Frank McCabe – Page 7 – Can I Be Frank & Crew?

Can I Be Frank, Frank McCabe, Uncategorized

“BREAKING: Baker Goes on Cocaine-Fueled Hooker Binge”

(A little late on this post, but….)

Yes, that was the headline Martha/Marsha C(h)oakley was hoping to awaken and see in yesterday morning’s Boston Globe. But that didn’t happen. Our newly elected Gov accepted victory with grace and respect for his opponent. Personally, I would have rubbed it in her face with a litany of cheesy ‘Baker’ one liners! (insert double-barrel air guns and/or middle finger bombs to each of these phrases as well)

‘Martha, you just got Baked!”

“Wake and Bake(r), Martha…the party is over!”

“The Loser, The Faker, and the new Gov Baker!”

And of course….”Be sure toShake it before you Baker it!

Martie, you should have taken your lumps like man.

To quote Imagine Dragons, ‘welcome to the new age’, MC! Be sure to keep the want ads (and some Pepto) at close range.

Can I Be Frank, Frank McCabe

Shaving Grace Period

It’s that time of year again. That spooky, scary, eery time of year. That time people try to look like someone else. Nope, I don’t mean Halloween; it’s No Shave November.

Per their website, http://www.no-shave.org…

The goal of No-Shave November is to grow awareness by embracing our hair, which many cancer patients lose, and letting it grow wild and free. Donate the money you usually spend on shaving and grooming for a month to educate about cancer prevention, save lives, and aid those fighting the battle.

With the precursor of “it’s for a good cause” the next month I, and many other self-proclaimed men, will attempt to prove they have testosterone to all the world.

What I realized is so few people can pull off the growth. Facial hair grows like a vile weed – patchy, multi-colored, multi-lengths. It quite weird.

My scruff looks like the color of rainbow – brown, red, gray, black. You name it. My face is the United Nations of shitty beards.

Now, If you are a real man (and slightly whacko) you rock the full on mustache for the month. This takes guts. I would contend that only like 8 men in the whole world can pull off a mustache without appearing creepy or simply batshit crazy. My fellow CIBF blogger @therealdantobin attempted and failed in 2013. I would say if his goal was to lure small children in to his Prius, then mission accomplished my good man.

I rolled with the ‘stache for a few short days toward the end of last November and received looks bordering on accusatory. I was randomly shouting at gawking strangers “It’s for cancer, OK, dude!”

(NOTE TO SELF: having a pedophile-like mustache and yelping about cancer in public does not validate anything about your character. You’re making it worse.)

So, be a man. Don’t shave for the next 30 days. If you want to be an official participant in the cause, go to the No Shave website, search for “Beard Science” and join our team!

You might just look this cool in the end….

Can I Be Frank, Frank McCabe, Uncategorized

Tattoo U: Men & Women’s Guide to Ink Placement

Tattoos are mainstream.

Tattoos are everywhere.

Tattoos are, apparently, cool.

Confession, I have a tattoo.

Yup, meet “Pat“, the drunken, angry jackoff leprechaun that lives in Right-thigh-ria on the pale continent of Frank. However, I got my tattoo more than 20 years ago; when men were men, tattoos were dangerous and needles were, most certainly, infected. Whatever, I made my bed.

Today, however, getting a tattoo is like getting a haircut to these young-ins. Like, NBD (does that even mean ‘no big deal’ or did I manke that one up?), bro. Kids, snap out of it. That ink is permanent, yo! It aint washing off like your spineless, ADD, Gen Z personalities. It’s just not.

When my old man first caught glimpse of my artwork 22 years ago he made 3 statements:

1. “Is that real?”

2. “Asshole!” (with a vicious finger point)

3. ‘Tattoos are permanent proof of temporary insanity.”

(he probably slipped in a few more a-bombs in but who was counting, right Dad?)

I fumbled with my retort as you can imagione but hey, whatcha gonna do? After that he never has mentioned it since.

So, enough of my (newly) 40 year old ranting. I simply want to impart the “Rules of Tattoos” that both men and women should adhere to. Since there is no accounting for taste, I wont even bother to pontificate on what is appropriate/cool/tasteful for your preferred tattoo. At the end of the day, regardless of your inclination for skulls, rainbows, chinese proverbs or your favorite Family Guy character, you will regret this decision, dummies. You just will.

Here are some basic guidelines for WHERE acceptable and inacceptable parts of your anatomy to place that permanent shitshow of idiocy:

Men (acceptable)
Legs :Upper thigh and calf, but I would go with less-is-more kinda thinking
Arms: Best if you have some type of muscle tone. Trust me – Pee Wee Herman can’t rock a panther on his 6″ guns – neither should you.
Shoulder/Shoulder blade: helps if you have a shape not resembling play dough

Men (unacceptable)
Torso: Nope. Uh ah.
Neck/ Face: Unless you have served time for murder, I would stay clear
Feet : Would any self-respecting dude get a foot tattoo?
Lower back: Don’t make me explain why this is a terrible idea for guys

Francis Dolarhyde's tattoo from Red Dragon

Women (acceptable)
Upper thigh : Good
Torso : Better Lower back : Yes, yes and yes please

Women (unacceptable)
Arms: Yuck, Brutus
Feet : Yeah, this just in, feet are, to quote Jimmy Fallon, EW!
Neck/face : Hi, you must be Miss “Orange is the New Gross”

Just some healthy guidelines before you pollute your skin with that delicious insanity.

Anger, Can I Be Frank, Frank McCabe, Uncategorized

If only there was a ‘Kanye-bola Virus’

Kanye West refused to continue his show on Friday night in Sydney, Australia until the entire audience was standing and dancing in physical Yeezus worship. Unfortunately for Kanye’s self-esteem, one of the audience members had a prosthetic leg and another used a wheelchair.

One concertgoer told the Daily Mail that he addressed the crowd saying “I can’t do this show until everybody stand up. Unless you got a handicap pass and you get special parking and s**t.” The fan waved her leg in the air and Kanye so kindly continued the show, stopping again when he saw there remained a single seated fan.

According to the tabloid, he then halted performance of “Good Life,” saying “‘This is the longest I’ve had to wait to do a song, it’s unbelievable,” before sending over a bodyguard to check that the fan was differently abled.

————————————————————————————————

I probably should have let our resident anger blogger @pistoffirishman take this one, but my fingers were already typing.

Question: Is there a worse human being in the world that Kanye West? This egotistical, arrogant narcissistic scumbag has once again hit a new low (I thought marrying that fat-ass a would be the bench mark, but bravo Mr. West, you managed to top yourself).

What really needs to happen to Mr. Stronger is he needs to contract a disease from the Ironic Torture Chamber?

What would be ideally suited for this talent-less dipshit?

If you could invent the Kanye-bola, what would it include in it’s symptoms?

My thoughts would be…

A. Instant muting.

The very first symptom would be the losing of the tongue. Not only would you lose ability to speak, but your tongue would literally fall out; painfully and slowly fall out with the taste of Bruce Jenner’s 1976 Olympic jock strap filling every taste bud as it happened over several long months.

B. “Carltonism”:

We all know Kanye perceives himself as quite the dancer, well, upon contracting Kanye-bola, the victim could only dance like the goofy Alfonso Ribeiro character, Carlton, from ‘The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air’. It would like an uncontrollable tick that happened only when cameras were on you.

C. Ass-Displacement:

Immediate retention of Kim K’s gi-normous backside would come next. This odd symptom would eliminate equilibrium causing the victim to constantly fall backwards with every step they took.

D. Genital Pins and Needles:

And just when you think it could not get worse, the 4th and most painful symptom of Kanye-bola hits you; a constant, sharp, dagger-like pain inflicted upon the genital area. Picture a human pin cushion with a thousand needles that never stop poking away at your “Gold Digger“. Ouchie.

E. Bankruptcy

Sure, it doesn’t seem to fall in line with a medical disorder, but so what, I am calling the shots here. Immediate, total, and irreversible poverty strikes the victim, so don’t think you can hire an entourage to help you manage the K-bola. Uh uh. You will be shacked up under a bridge playing ‘Keeping Up with the Smelly Homeless Guy’.

More bad news, Kan, you, and only you, are the only living organism capable of contracting Kanye-bola on earth. Bummer, huh?

There is, however, a silver lining, K-Man (adding more fuel to the irony of this unique affliction) you get to live for 1,000 years! Yep, longevity is final symptom. What are the odds?

Have a ‘Good Life’!

Maybe you can pray to Yeezus for help?

Can I Be Frank, Frank McCabe, Uncategorized

Ryder Cup Week!

In case you forgot, arguably the most exciting event in golf is happening this week – The 2014 Ryder Cup. From Glasgow, Scotland (If its not Scottish, It’s Crap), The United States will face the highly favored European team. I have said it before, you don’t have to like golf. You don’t even have to like sports. But you MUST love your country! The Ryder Cup is everything that is right about sports and competition. It’s like the Olympics, only interesting and not fueled by steroids (apologies to the Russian Women’s Water Polo team, but you know it’s true you commie, face-shaving she-males).

The Ryder Cup is not about money, rankings or fame. It’s about trying to decimate people from other parts of the world who talk funny. It’s pissah!

For those of you saying “golf is too slow/quiet/boring/uneventful”, check this video and get back to me when your goosebumps go away. (by the way, people NEVER cheer when golfers are hitting, in case you don’t get it, dummahs!)

Well, if that didn’t make you feel excited about sports in America, then try this on for size…

USA USA USA!!!!

http://www.rydercup.com

Can I Be Frank, Frank McCabe, Uncategorized

‘If it’s not Scottish, it’s Crap: 7 of the Greatest Scottish Characters

Well, after nearly 700 hundred years since (or at least since 1995) William Wallace delivered that famous inspirational speech before leading his army of Scottish soldiers in to battle, it appears as if Scotland may finally be free of being a part of the United Kingdom. A very exciting time and a great victory for Ireland’s smaller, angrier little brother.

In honor of that, let’s recognize 7 of the greatest Scottish characters in history. (interestingly, most of these Scottish characters are played by Canadian Mike Myers)

Now, let’s get pissed!

William Wallace

Fine, let’s get him out of the way. If Wallace was in fact real, then he was a coolest, toughest Scotsman that ever threw a stone. Badass to the core, he was perhaps the root of the freedom they may gain today. Mel Gibson’s portrayal was epic and here he delivers his most memorable speech; except, of course, for his anti-Semitic tirade.

Shrek

Big, fat, ugly, green do-gooder from the world of Disney, Shrek has to make the list. But like every worthy Scot, Shrek could kick some ass with the best of them.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LVGpnn3mXTk

Montgomery “Scotty” Scott

Nice guy Scotty was the heart and soul of cult followed 70s program, Star Trek. Innocent Scotty was the composed voice of reason of the starship Enterprise and always kept his composure even after being told to ‘Beam up’ that fat, smug, know-it-all Priceline-pushing bastard, Captain Kirk, a million times.

Scrooge McDuck

A Disney spinoff of the Dickens’ character, Scrooge McDuck epitomized an angry Scotsduck. Ruthless, unforgiving but somewhere inside that fluffy chest beat a heart full of haggis.

Begbie

This memorable lad from the dark and dreary Trainspotting set Scotland back a few centuries. An absolute madman, Begbie perhaps epitomized every Scottish stereotype ever imagined. But what a great kicker of the nuts.

Groundskeeper Willie

The Simpsons…..as a key member of the cast of the longest running sitcom in history, Groundskeeper Willie was the most animated man in town. Redheaded, fiery, and incredibly jacked Willie was the Scottish staple that kept the Springfield Elementary School clean and kept for more than two decades.

Stu MacKenzie

This father figure in the less-than-memorable So I Married an Axe Murder is my absolute favorite Scottish character of all time. The drunken, bitter but affable Stu (of course, played by Myers) embodies the Scottish spirit. Here is a compilation of Stu’s funniest scenes. Now, go give your mother a kiss or I’ll kick your teeth in.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zCrT96QJBfQ

Remember, if it’s not Scottish, it’s crap.