Tobes

UNITY TOWNSHIP (KDKA) – A young man is facing charges stemming from an unusual incident in Westmoreland County Monday.

Skyler Connor, 18, of New Derry, is facing a disorderly conduct charge for waving a rubber penis at passing motorists.

According to police, the incident happened on Route 30 in Unity Township around 6 p.m.

Connor was a passenger in the back seat of a vehicle at the time.

Color me puzzled here, but at what point did waving rubber hogs at your fellow motorists go from being a friendly gesture to an obscene affront? Did I miss something? I just assumed if you were packing hmeat, in your glove compartment you were supposed to honk and wiggle…kind of like the way Jeep folks like to honk and wave at each other…as a way of acknowledging their vehicular kinship and affinity for shitty cars. You got “Hook’em Horns”, the “Dale Earnhardt 3’s”, Dead Heads “Waving to the wind”, and as far as I knew, the “dildo salute” was right there in the mix. What better way to break up the monotony of the highway than wondering “where do you think the guy driving the Kia Sephia with Arizona tags is going with that 6.5 inch jack rabbit?” If I’m wrong, please by all means let me know, as my road trip staples are almost always a pair of Gatorades, Trail Mix, Europe 72, and a two foot double’ender (Get’s a lot of honks in Middle America.). Last thing I want to have to do is register as a sex offender every time I pass through Pittsburgh. That would be super inconvenient, especially, when the family and I head to Chicago for Christmas. (Does EZpass covers sex offender registry?)

Dan Tobin, Uncategorized

Eulogy for the Caswell

Lowell Sun

TEWKSBURY — A strip of molding is peeling off the wood-paneled walls of Room 251 at the Motel Caswell, and there’s a small hole in the wall that won’t be repaired.

The bed has been made for the last time, but those in neighboring rooms are stripped, with red and green paisley comforters lying in heaps on the pavement just beyond the door.

Outside, owner Russ Caswell and his son Jay are clearing out nearby rooms, removing televisions, but leaving most of the furniture for the wrecking ball.

The Motel Caswell, which has been owned by the Caswell family for nearly 60 years, hosted its last guests Sunday night.

It’s set to be demolished next month to make way for an entertainment complex, marking the end of an era on this stretch of Route 38.
“It’s a big change. I guess you’d call it a lot of mixed feelings,” Caswell said.

The motel was the site of a seizure attempt by the federal government under drug-forfeiture laws, which Caswell fought and won in 2013. But before it became known for a number of closed-door drug deals and prostitution stings, the Motel Caswell was a family business, the place where a teenage Caswell started his working life.

Good Morning,

I’m here today….(pulling it together…dusty in here.)…excuse me (clearing throat)…I’m here today to celebrate the life of the Motel Caswell. To many, the Caswell was an old, “past it’s time” motel in a location that nobody in their right mind would ever stop or even let their car idle, let alone spend the night. To the town of Tewksbury, the property was an embarrassing blight on their “magnificent mile” of nail salons, and roast beef joints…preventing big ticket industry like bowling alley’s, and batting cages from turning the place into Dubai. But to those of us gathered here today, the Caswell was our friend. A loyal friend. A friend that was always there for us when you were at your lowest. When you needed a cozy, judgement free bed to sleep off the eleven lunchtime Jade East Mai Tai’s before doing your afternoon school bus route, the Caswell was there. When you needed a meth lab in a pinch, the Caswell was there. When your wife’s restraining order was about to expire, and you had nothing romantic planned…heart shaped tubs…all you can handle. The Caswell was there. A man on a plane once said to me, “If you’ve been to 2 Hilton’s, you’ve been to them all.” Well sir, nobody will ever say that about the Caswell. Wallet friendly rates, maid service, drive-thru hookers…real keys. The Caswell was there.

(Dusty again…clearing throat.)

The Caswell was there.

Dan Tobin

Well, if it isn’t another “Drinking is good for you article.”

PSMAG

Bob Welch, former star Dodgers pitcher, died in June from a heart attack at age 57. In 1981, Welch published (with George Vecsey)Five O’Clock Comes Early: A Cy Young Award-Winner Recounts His Greatest Victory, in which he detailed how he became an alcoholic at age 16: “I would get a buzz on and I would stop being afraid of girls. I was shy, but with a couple of beers in me, it was all right.”

In his early 20s, he recognized his “disease” and quit drinking. But I wonder if, like most 20-something problem drinkers (as shown byall epidemiological research), he would otherwise have outgrown his excessive drinking and drunk moderately?

If he had, he might still be alive. At least, that’s what the odds say.

Had Welch smoked, his obituaries would have mentioned it by way of explaining how a world-class athlete might have died prematurely of heart disease. But no one would dare suggest that quitting drinking might be responsible for his heart attack.

Even drinking more than is recommended, without displaying clinical symptoms of problem drinking or alcohol dependence (and these are not subtle), is generally better for you than drinking nothing.

In fact, the evidence that abstinence from alcohol is a cause of heart disease and early death is irrefutable—yet this is almost unmentionable in the United States. Even as health bodies like the CDC and Dietary Guidelines for Americans (prepared by Health and Human Services) now recognize the decisive benefits from moderate drinking, each such announcement is met by an onslaught of opposition and criticism, and is always at risk of being reversed.

ZZZZzzzz….ZZZzzzzz…what!? Oh, you woke me up for another “Drinking is good for you” article. Yeah, no shit. Of course drinking is good for you. Everyone knows this. You’re about 500 “Drinking is good for your articles” late on this one. What I’m waiting for is the article that tells me that all the horribly unhealthy stuff we do WHILE drinking is perfectly healthy. Like, “Inhaling 3000 calories of breakfast fare at 3 am is actually good for you!” “Trying to the give that 3-billed train wreck that you met at a bar a 10 finger boost into your dorm bunk bed, is good for you! (provided you bend your knees.)” “Telling a funny joke to the girlfriend of the jealous, over protective, sociopathic mixed martial artist who is checking id’s at the bar you’re in, is good for you!” “Having an honest moment with your wife and telling her your ‘actual’ number, is good for you!” “Urinating publicly in a school zone is super good for you.” Heck while you’re at it, “Diving boards, batting cages, your kid’s trampoline, razor scooters, and skate boards…when combined with a healthy buzz, will extend your time on earth. “

Now that’s a study.

Dan Tobin

Has there ever been a hotter summer look than the Facekini?

The Guardian

Swimmers in the eastern Chinese city of Qingdao have already made waves on the internet for their bizarre swimming gear: colourful, full-face masks. Dubbed ‘facekini,’ the fabric masks cover a swimmer’s entire head and neck down to the collar bones. Holes are cut for eyes, nostrils and mouth

Not since my buddy Dunny (@PistoffIrishman) unleashed the Doc Martin/Coorduroy Pant Summer Collection down at Seabrook Beach, has the high fashion industry been turned on its head like this.

A flummoxed yet intrigued Tim Gunn reading this blog.

The Facekini is the answer to all your summer worries. Did you neglect to do a couple sit-ups during your winter hibernation…aka you’re looking all frumpy and fat as shit? No worries, throw on a Facekini. Ordinarily, I’m one in a sea of muffin tops, sucking-in as I stroll the beach at low tide. When I put on my electric facekini, the beach bunnies take notice. I’m the mysterious, sexy guy sending out the vibes, flooding more coastal basements than a tropical storm…and that’s even before I tame the waves with an epic body surfing sesh’.

Say what you will about the Chinese, but they’re clearly best in class when it comes to stamping out self-confidence issues. Take for example this strapping lad who appears to be housing China’s nuclear arsenal in his swimming trunks…heads up Hawaii.

He must be wearing an invisible Facekini.

Dan Tobin

You didn’t invite your fat buddy to your cheesesteak party? Green Light Fat Rampage.

Lehigh Valley Live

A teenager upset that his friends didn’t invite him over to eat cheesesteaks in Hellertown allegedly dragged one of his buddies down a flight of stairs and kicked the victim in the face, according to court records.

Police say William Joseph Hitchcock-Sahr Jr., 18, of the first block of Kiernan Avenue, called Brandon Ridgick on Monday and found out Ridgick and two others were hanging out in the 100 block of Northampton Street eating cheesesteaks.

Hitchcock-Sahr showed up and started arguing because he wasn’t invited and Ridgick hadn’t bought him a sandwich, according to court documents.

Wow…with friends like these, who needs enemies. Call it experience, call it street smarts, call it 3 years of charm school, but one thing I know is when you invite a kid into your inner circle with the physical build of a bean bag chair, you better make sure he’s on the VIP list if you’re planning weird cheesesteak parties. It’s a social protocol that you just can’t overlook, as the fallout is most certainly fat rampage. If you’re talking birthday parties at the water park, shirts and skins pick-up games, hot air balloon rides, or games like paintball where it helps to be able to hide behind stuff…then by all means, keep chubs out of the loop. Feelings still may be hurt, but most behavioral scientist agree that “The relief of Fat Anxiety is > fat rage.”

Dan Tobin

#Sharkweek Scoreboard: Humans 1, Sharks 0

Slate.com

Reports of sharks biting the undersea cables that zip our data around the world date to at least 1987. That’s when the New York Times reported that “sharks have shown an inexplicable taste for the new fiber-optic cables that are being strung along the ocean floor linking the United States, Europe, and Japan.”
Now it seems Google is biting back. According to Network World’s Brandon Butler, a Google product manager explained at a recent event that the company has taken to wrapping its trans-Pacific underwater cables in Kevlar to guard against shark bites.

Google confirmed to me that its newest generation of undersea cables comes wrapped in special protective yarn and steel wire armor—and that the goal is to protect against cable cuts, including possible shark attacks.

Shark expert Mitchell Chevalier recently took to the internet to take me to task on my lack of Shark knowledge (see comments)…and what do you know, the Sharks start eating the actual internet. I stand corrected, Mitchell. Please accept my apologies.

Anyway, It’s been a big week for Kevlar. From keeping over zealous swat guys safe in Missouri to preventing tons of youporn from spilling out onto our oceans floors. That’s a win for humans in my book.

Author: Tobes

Apparently phallic salutes to your fellow motorists are no longer welcomed? Weird, I know.

Eulogy for the Caswell

Well, if it isn’t another “Drinking is good for you article.”

Even drinking more than is recommended, without displaying clinical symptoms of problem drinking or alcohol dependence (and these are not subtle), is generally better for you than drinking nothing.

Has there ever been a hotter summer look than the Facekini?

You didn’t invite your fat buddy to your cheesesteak party? Green Light Fat Rampage.

#Sharkweek Scoreboard: Humans 1, Sharks 0