Tobes

Creatures of the Lowell Line: Superheroes

What is this guy’s superpower you ask? Invisibility? Clearly not. X-Ray vision? Unlikely. The ability to break up “six….ahhhh, actually seven” fights at Saturday’s Fleetwood Mac concert? You guessed it. (It was 3 fights, two stops ago, but you know how it goes with Superhero’s… you get super exaggeration too.) Hey, we all know how it goes with those Fleetwood Mac fans. They’re all just normal geriatrics, complaining about the weather and speed limits being too high, until they hear the base lick in the middle of “The Chain” and they lose their minds. Its like some sort of tribal call to arms. One would have to imagine it was a scary scene… “The ush’ahs were piss’n demselves. Thank God I wuz the’yah.” (Translation: “Just went on instinct, No weapons needed. It’s what I do.”)

And here he is two days later warming the purple seats on the commuter rail with the rest of us mortals, with hardly a scratch on him. And unlike most superhero’s, who are all usually guarded and introverted when they’re not saving the world, he was extremely forthcoming. (To anyone who accidentally made eye contact.) For instance, we learned that he just acquired a pet Red Tail Boa, that he temporarily named “Destroyer.” (Temporarily? Like he’s going to come up with something better than Destroyer?) And haven’t you all wondered what superheroes order at Dunkin?!? Well, you’re in luck. This superhero runs on a “Great One” Hot Chocolate with a Turbo shot…which demonstrates a palette and stomach lining that is operating on a super human level. Clearly this man has no weakness. (Save for the onset of Type 2 diabetes or the eventual wrath of Destroyer the snake.)

Dan Tobin

All it takes is a little bit of science to turn the casual sex game on it’s head.

The Daily Beast

Vasalgel, a reversible form of male birth control, just took one step closer to your vas deferens.

According to a press release from the Parsemus Foundation, a not-for profit organization focused on developing low-cost medical approaches, Vasalgel is proving effective in a baboon study. Three lucky male baboons were injected with Vasalgel and given unrestricted sexual access to 10 to 15 female baboons each. Despite the fact that they have been monkeying around for six months now, no female baboons have been impregnated. With the success of this animal study and new funding from the David and Lucile Packard Foundation, the Parsemus Foundation is planning to start human trials for Vasalgel next year. According to their FAQ page, they hope to see it on the market by 2017 for, in their words, less than the cost of a flat-screen television.

Since the invention of casual sex, we’ve just accepted that a 95% success rate for male birth control was industry standard, whether you’re a condom guy or you own cargo shorts and Teva’s and wear them at the same time. But because this is America, and Americans do amazing American things, starting in 2017, the only thing that will stand between a dude and the optimal bareback sesh is a little white lie. “No worries, I’m on Vasalgel.” And for most of the fellas out there (not named Tobes), it’s usually a patchwork quilt of untruths just to get to a point in the evening where a nice young lady is asking; “Did you take your Vasalgel today?” At that point, it’s just about keeping the momentum.

Look, it’s pretty much accepted in all corners of society that the only way for male birth control to be loophole free is for it to be worn and as visible as a crossing guard’s vest. But that’s not to say that this Vasalgel is without any sort of practicality. There’s the tired middle aged dad out there that has three sons and an ambitious wife that has nobody to give their American Doll Collection to…Vasalgel! Don’t have the ball’s to get snipped? (pun intended)…Vasalgel. You’re Anotonio Cromartie?…Vasalgel.

Uncategorized

When people start stabbing folks for meatballs, it means we need more meatballs.

http://youtu.be/AY1hndoLGg4 

Baltimore Sun

A dispute between two employees of a Fallston business over a meatball during lunch Thursday led to a stabbing, the Harford County Sheriff’s Office said.

Deputies were called around 11:10 a.m. to the business in the 2300 block of Belair Road, where they learned there had been an argument over one employee eating the other’s meatball from his lunch, Sheriff’s Office spokesperson Cristie Kahler said.

A fight ensued and the employee who had eaten the meatball was stabbed in the arm by the employee whose lunch he had taken the meatball from, Kahler said.

The victim, a 36-year-old Aberdeen man, was taken to a local hospital and later discharged.

The assailant, a 31-year-old Edgewood man, fled the scene.

An arrest warrant has been issued but the man had not been served as of Tuesday afternoon, Kahler said.

To be honest, this story is less a story about poor behavior among two colleagues in the work place and more of a story on society’s current relationship with the meatball. Back in the day, it was nothing but “Spaghetti and Meatball this” and “Meatball that”…Americans dinner tables were just lousy with meatballs. It was all about meatballs. People even started being defined by their meatballs…how big, how rotund, how soft, and how juicy:

“Have you heard from Bill at all lately?”

“Which Bill? Bill with the meatballs that are so big that they make him walk funny? Or Bill down the street who lost one of his meatballs when he was hopping a chain link fence running from the Cops in high school?”

Now, it’s a totally different story. I have north of 450 contacts in my phone and I’m fairly certain not one of them knows how to roll a meatball. Meatballs are so scarce that some of us have no qualms about stabbing coworkers just to get a little nibble. We need more Meatballs! Go ahead moms everywhere; keep rolling out that cute meatless veggie red sauce bullshit on spaghetti night. It’s only a matter of time before your kid is pawning your wedding bands to get their next meatball fix. We’re seeing it all too often these days. If you don’t want little Suzie hanging out behind the bowling alley in a year or two, “creatively” generating cash for meatballs, then it’s time to start rolling that meat!

Dan Tobin

What you should realistically expect to hear from Roger Goodell….

pic from mediacriminaljustice.blogspot.com

I’m not posting the video as it’s depressingly savage…if not the punch, the image of Ray waiting for the doors to open to drag his unconscious fiancé off the elevator. If you’re curious, it can be found everywhere but here.

At this point, you’ve got to be wondering, “How omnipotent is the NFL shield? ” Like society’s benchmark for deplorable doesn’t seem to apply at all, and in that regard, it doesn’t seem that the league itself cares to align itself with that standard in any way shape or form. While the general public expects a reasonably measured response from Rog and crew, I expect more of the usual bull shit coming from New York:

“Did anyone read that story about the NBA booting yet another racist owner from their ranks? You’d think it was 1954, not 2014. Shameful.” –Roger Goodell

“It’s frustrating to me as a commissioner when these occurrences happen because it takes away from all the good that we’re doing as a league. Like it’s been almost a full calendar year since one of our players has been indicted for murder…which ya know…on paper, is worse than domestic violence.” –Roger Goodell

“Yes it is true that we received a copy of this tape last week, but we delayed comment and action until our experts could determine beyond a reasonable doubt that this wasn’t part of “the Fappening.” –Roger Goodell

“As part of our expanded emphasis on long term health and to demonstrate our commitment to the absolute abolishment of major head trauma from the NFL…player’s wives, girlfriends, and sidepieces will receive a female adaptive version of Wes Welker’s helmet to be worn at all times. Removal of the helmet will result in a league imposed fine for 1^st time offenders, and an automatic season suspension and mandatory counseling for repeat offenders. And for our female fans, a pink replica will be available in all official team stores and ShopNFL.com for the duration of Break Cancer Awareness Month.” –Roger Goodell

“With regard to our young fans’ exposure to this event through the prism of Madden Football, our partners at EA Sports have agreed to also take action per our request. While Ray Rice cannot be physically removed from the game, Ray Rice’s player rating will be adjusted retroactively. Gamers deploying Ray Rice will see a marginal increase in Strength Rating (STR-92) and Elusiveness (ELV-87…not to be confused with “elevator.”), and a significant decrease in Awareness (AWR-72), and Personality Rating (PER-70).” –Roger Goodell

“While it’s hard to find any ray of light…sorry, no pun intended…in such a dark situation, it should be noted that the cutting of Ray Rice now makes this by rule, a technical knock-out (TKO), and a win for Jannay Palmer. That’s at least good for bragging rights. Speaking of bragging rights, have you and your friends registered to play NFL Fantasy Football on NFL.com?” –Roger Goodell

“Our players are the most finely tuned athletes in the world, programmed to endure and distribute physical punishment on a 57.6 thousand square foot battlefield. I’m not really sure why the make elevators so small? We’re in early discussions with engineers over at OTIS to consider NFL friendly adaptations to their future models.” –Roger Goodell

Dan Tobin

America, meet Brandy Allen: Eye Shadow for days…Star for life.

5NewsOnlineAK

FAYETTEVILLE (KFSM) – A Fayetteville woman was arrested on suspicion of stealing $144 worth of eye shadow on Sept. 1, police say.

Brandy Allen, 31, was booked into the Washington County Detention Center at 3:04 p.m. and faces charges of shoplifting and disorderly conduct.

Police were called to the Ultra Beauty Store at 3835 N. Mall Ave. #1 to deal with a shoplifter, according to a preliminary report.

The caller said she saw Allen grabbing handfuls of make-up without looking at the color or labels. She didn’t appear to be checking prices, either, the report states.

Allen entered the store with an unidentified woman who tried to distract store employees by asking questions and leading them away from Allen, according to the report.

An officer arrived at the store and approached Allen. The original caller introduced herself to Allen as the general manager of the store and asked to see the contents of her purse, the report states.

Allen fumbled through her purse for several minutes before taking out several different packages of eye shadow, and as she pulled out the items, she’d run her fingers through the tops of each one, trying to make the eye shadow look used, according to the report.

She started to curse loudly saying, “No one [expletive] saw me steal anything,” the report states.

Kevin Durant, 300 Million from Nike.

Manchester United gets 1.3 Billion from Adidas.

Even, Forrest Gump got free Flex-o-lite Ping Pong Paddles, and he doesn’t even like them.

So how is it possible in this day and age that the Wayne Gretzky of Eye Shadow is at an Ultra Beauty in Arkansas stealing $144 worth of eye shadow? Does Brandy Allen have the worst agent in America? Did the board of directors at L’Oreal Paris and Maybelline collectively decided that they’ve peaked in the market place?

As the marketing sage that I am (one semester of required liberal arts marketing 101), I don’t look into Brandy’s eyes and see the dulcet tones of fuchsia, lavender, and periwinkle blue. I see green. Lots of it. I see “in-store” appearances. I see a Brandy Allen eye shadow line. I see a “Brandy Allen What’s your color of the day” app available for download on Iphone (the Android release will be another 6 months ,obviously.). I see a guest judge appearance on Project Runway where designers will create a look based off of contrived inspiration from seeing homeless drifters wearing “Brandy Allen’s New Fall Line of Eye Shadow.” I see a hot and heavy romance with Rob Kardashian that earns the pair numerous spots in US Magazine, and the moniker “Brob.” I see Brandy Allen selfies stealing the show in Fappening 2.

I see a star. Ladies and Gentleman….Brandy Allen,

Uncategorized

VINDICATED!!! When a raging driver takes on a bus full of furries…

http://youtu.be/Wnsdc7cTPuU

Well look what we have here. I’ve been saying for years that Sponge Bob Square Pants was nothing but a little bitch, and everyone was like, “There goes Tobes again, talking all kinds of shit” and “That’s just Tobes spouting off nonsense without any shred of proof .“ Well here you go fellas…Exhibited A, B, C and D. We got Mr Square Pants himself sitting on the sidelines like a big puss while Mickey shod foots a guy to death with his furry mouse feet. And per usual, there’s Sponge Bob doing nothing but hopping on the top of the pile like he’s Junior Seau trying to get extra tackle stats. He probably unloaded tails of his bravado all night to any poor sap that would listen. F’n Sponge Bob. That guy sucks.

PS. When faced with the scenario of being rushed by van full of Furries, coming out of it with your clothes on and a mild concussion is the best possible outcome, right?