Austin Fontanella, Sports

Pura Vita!

Pura Vita! That my friends is a Costa Rican phrase meaning, “Pure Life” or translated to English slang as, “Screw it things could always be a hell of a lot worse”.  For example, after that loss to Green Bay a disgruntled Dallas Cowboy fan could always say Pura Vita (at least I’m not a Cleveland fan). Or perhaps you just broke up with your significant other well shout out; Pura Vita! (hookers and blow are probably cheaper anyway). How do I know this? Well, I recently returned from an extended trip to what I only found out on the second to last day is in fact not an island (sorry for failing you every geography teacher I’ve ever had).

face palm

In case you might not have guessed it Costa Rica is nothing like the good old US of A. Because of this fact, I am going to run down my three most story worth experiences for you the reader. Don’t worry this is not a brag post (even though yes it was a beautiful 85 degrees every day, the women flowed like beer, and wore less than what you find in a strip club–> not that I would know anything about that because of course I have never been to one).  Now that I have done my bragging for the post let’s get to the stories!

1) It’s considered a disappointment if you don’t get at least three feet from an animal which could kill you in seconds. During the trip we took a kayak adventure down this river/ rain forest area with the goal of spotting wild life. Before we even get into the water we see a 5 foot alligator (estimate here, wasn’t volunteering to measure the guy) swimming in the area we were about to board. Now I was expecting our tour guide to tell us to leave the boats and run for our lives (sorry person I tripped so the group could get away but let’s be honest you shouldn’t have been running next to me). However, that’s when the guide explains the little guy is probably just hungry and that someone will feed him. Which of course means we can continue to get in the water and paddle around him. AGAIN… our best move was not to run for our pump shot guns, but instead board these small kayaks and venture forth.

(Tell me why I’m getting in the water near him?!)

Aligator

2) They have no driving rules, but instead just guidelines. I am not sure the exact driving test in Costa Rica, but I’m willing to bet you fail if you don’t blow past at least five cars during your exam. Whether we were in the minivan that picked us up from the airport or the 50 person bus headed white water rafting (this started off as the most fun I’ve ever had but after the 25th time I took an elbow, foot, paddle etc. to the face that excitement wore off) we passed slower traffic. What about the dreaded double yellow line you ask? That puny rule stood no match for our driver(s). It should also be noted every road there is a mere two lanes. That will cause you to start reciting the rosary as you’re trying to pass someone while rounding a corner. One final piece of driving advice; don’t look down when you cross a bridge. They are also a single lane and looks like a five year old could have built a sturdier Lego set.

3) The drinking age is nonexistent. I was told that the cut off is 18, but during our time there no even pretended to card anyone who bought drinks.  You might think that is a good thing. However, I’m here to explain you couldn’t be more wrong. There is this thing called the age of consent and I don’t care what the local laws say you should never dip below 18. In America I know anyone at a bar is fair game (unless she has a boyfriend, but then again just because there is a goalie that doesn’t mean you stop shooting). In Costa Rica I wasn’t sure who I was allowed to look at. Yes she could be a 22 tropical princess (which there were many of), but she could also be a 16 year old high schooler who didn’t eat all week so she could spend her lunch money at the bar. A drunk me has a 50/50 chance of telling the difference between the two, and I don’t like those odds. As a safety precaution I asked every girls to finish this sentence, “I got in one little fight and my mom got scared. She said, ____”. (don’t be self conscious you can sing along at work) So to all those who were about to judge me see I came prepared.

Carlton

(The plus side of Costa Rica drinking: I spent $2 one night for a two hour open bar. To my absolute shock the line didn’t circle the country, but was manageable. The icing on the cake; I was able to get multiple free drinks thanks to making friends with the bartender).

These are just a few of the tales I returned with. I have many more, but our title of long post champion already belongs to Frank McCabe. So with that I’ll say once more Pura Vita readers until we cross paths again (and rock out to the most american latin song they played there).

Can I Be Frank, Frank McCabe, Uncategorized

Red Sox great Wade Boggs drank 107 beers…in a row

As a kid growing up in the 80s in Boston, Wade Boggs was pretty much as great as they come in your sport universe.  Right up there with Larry, Mosi and Cam.  Outside of his disgusting move to the New York Yankees late in his career, the Boggs man was great at four things:  baseball, eating chicken, philandering and, as you will see in this clip, drinking brew.

The rumor has always been Boggs based 64 Miller Lite beers in a day/flight….but Wado told the hilarious Charlie Day during a taping of ‘It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia’ the number is actually 107.

boggs_web

Repeat: 107

I want to call bullshit here…but hey…I don’t know?  Guy was a bigger than life sports star.  He had a bigger than life mustache (we’re talking Wyatt Earp/Doc Holiday league mustache).  Those 2 factors alone lead me to believe he could pull this off.

I have a buddy named “Brian” who I have seen whack back a 30 pack with relative ease…and he is just an idiot…not some highly skilled, highly trained, highly testosterone-ized, highly paid Hall of Fame Red Sox.  He’s a regular dude with way to much time on his bladder.

So, before you dismiss Sir Wade’s claim, digest this information for a few moments.  Better yet, see if you are as much a man as he?  Grow a mustache.  Go out and grab yourself 4 1/2 cases of Miller Lite and show ’em who’s boss?  My guess is your mustache will be grown sooner that you finish the 107.

Uncategorized

Patriot Kool-Aid

So, I had a very fortunate and unexpected privilege of having dinner with former New England Patriot, Jarvis Green (he’s the one on the left next to the Law firm of Whitey, Whitey, Whitey, Patel and Honkey)

If you are not an avid Pats fan(loser), I’ll remind you.  He was on this team for 9 years – and the really good years.  AFC Championships, Superbowls and the like.  He rolled with Belicheck, Brady, Bruschi and the whole lot of winners.  Jarvis was a part of, arguably, the greatest NFL team(s) in history.  If you click on the link above you will see that he had a admirable statistics and played a critical role in our favorite home town team’s success.  But, enough of this fan boy’s blow job.

I spent the lion’s share of last night holding my tongue and trying to play it cool as if I did not give a shit about the Patriots and the rare opportunity to get the inside scoop.  Fast forward 2 Moscow Mules and 2 Cabernets and I said, fuck it.  I am asking.  I am gonna make this giant prick uncomfortable.  I am doing some investigative/drunken/nosey reporting.  And, unfortunately, I hate to report what I got hit back with….
QUESTION: OK, Jarvis, what’s Tom Brady really like?

ANSWER: Really good dude, man.  (laughing) Except for a being a little loud.  Great guy.  Leader.

FIne, I’ll trap him now…

QUESTION: Thats cool…but how bout Belicheck?

ANSWER: Ah, Bill.  He’s the man.  Quiet, calm.  Except that he never talked to me – or any other rookie – when you get up there, guy is awesome.  I played for Nick Saban and Bil Belicheck.  Both are winners.  Both were always good to me.

Shit, Jarvis.  I am looking for some violence or , at the very least, pedophilia.

QUESTION: OK, fine.  How about Tedy Bruschi?

ANSWER: Absolute bad ass.  He used to punch players in the face if they werent doing their job.  Right under the face mask.  Guys would be bleeding.  He didn’t give a shit.  Absolute badass.

Damn.  Nothing.  The good – and uninteresting – news is that the New England Patriots are apparently exactly what you, me and the wall all believe; a complete and total family unit.  They work as hard as we expect.  They care for one another.  Most impressively (to this guy anyway) is they keep their shit in their house.  It became quite clear to me (even through the mild buzz) that Mr. Green was not placating me.  He repeated phrases like, ‘We were a team, man”, “We knew what we were doing”.  I wanted more.  I wanted him to say that Bill Belicheck likes to dance to show tunes in a garder belt.  Tedy Bruschi wears lipstick after a big win.  Tom Brady uses rogaine.  Anything!  Give me something that I can share with my 11 readers.  Anything!?  Nope.  Jarvis just confirmed exactly what we all want to believe: The Patriots are that good. They are that cool.  They are that united.  It is awesome.

Bring that shit to tomorrow’s game, fellas.

Thanks, Jarvis – I wont tell anyone about beating you at arm wrestling. (and by arm wrestling I mean the race to get white girl wasted)

Can I Be Frank, Frank McCabe, Uncategorized

Rocky 7: The Rocky Road to Dementia

Rocky 7?  Really?  Say it isn’t so!

What once was considered one of the greatest stories of sport and spirit has truly (well, for the 3rd or 4th time actually) spit in its own aging face.  Now, without having read or viewed anything except this nebulous trailer, I can only assume that Rocky only plays the role of manager/trainer in this film to some young spawn that wants to enter the fight game (appears to be of the Apollo Creed lineage).

I really don’t want to know the sure-to-be pathetic plot.  Rather I want to imagine this next installment in the storied series with Rocky, circa age 70, actually entering the ring to do battle.  More so, I would like to see the Southpaw battle the demons of growing old.

Rocky with early onset Alzheimer’s…

Picture the Champ running up those infamous City of Brotherly Love stairs wearing only his ugly wool cap, taped up hands and his championship belt. I imagine all those kids would be running in the opposite direction as Philadelphia’s finest receive the call over the radio, “We have a naked and confused old man running toward City Hall.  Please proceed with caution.”

Rocky with a prostate issue…

Round 1.  Ding ding.

“As the Medicaid-elible former champion makes his way to the center of the ring, he is met by a challenger 50 years his junior.  A stiff jab to Rocky’s face followed by a left hook to the body and, oh my goodness, Stu, what has happened?”

“It appears as if Rocky has lost control of his bodily functions and urinated all over the ring.  127 year old referee Lou Phillipo is going to have to stop this one before somebody slips in this tremendous puddle of Italian piss.”

Rocky with Type 1 diabetes…

149 year old Trainer Mickey Goldmill has miraculously risen from the dead (why not, right?) after being murdered more than 30 years ago by Mr. T.  He is back in the Tough Gym training the aging Italian Stallion.  A rigorous session ensues when the Champ faces the ultimate adversity; keep training or get his insulin.  His no-quit attitude, and incredibly low IQ, inspire Rocky to fight through the pain and delusions.  After a grueling 6 minutes of the workout, Balboa hits the canvass and sends longtime gym gofer, Mike, to get his medicine from his locker.  A newly-alive Mickey reminds Rock that he gave his locker away to contender, Dipper, since Rocky is a no good lousy bum.  Rocky goes in to diabetic shock and enters the hospital in a coma.  In an ironic twist, he is assigned to the same room where Adrian delivered that monkey baby 40 years before.

Rocky with osteoporosis…

Rocky has lost everything.  His beloved trainer, wife and son.  He has lost his money, his wits, his cognition.  Yeah, like I said, everything.  Everything EXCEPT his will to box.  In a truly unimaginable scenario, he is challenged by the heavy weight world champion.  Rocky decides resting his old bones (wait for it) is the best training strategy and forgoes the gym.  Come fight day, he laces up the gloves, dusts off those red, white and blue Larry Bird -esque boxing trunks and slaps on (the now defunct business) Shamrock Meats robe.

Enters the ring full of confidence to do battle with the new champ.  The bells sounds and Rocky charges the across the ring.  Throws a right jab – breaks his hand.  Throws the famous left hook – breaks the other hand.  In a sad and pathetic twist, Rocky tries to the kick his opponent and breaks his leg.  The fight is stopped and they put Rocky out of his misery like any true stallion; by a gunshot to the head in the middle of Madison Square Garden (strangely they asked Father Carmine to do the honors)

Now, those are some story lines I could get on board with.  Otherwise, I am afraid I will continue to consider Clubber Lang your “final” fight, Rock….and simply look the other way.

Can I Be Frank, Frank McCabe, Uncategorized

Screech, Stabbing and the Saved By the Bell Police Lineup

The actor best known for playing the character Screech in the ’90s sitcom “Saved by the Bell” was arrested Thursday on charges that he stabbed a man with a knife during a fight at a Wisconsin bar, police said.

Dustin Diamond, 37, appeared in court Friday on a charge of second-degree recklessly endangering safety, a felony, as well as misdemeanor charges of carrying a concealed weapon and disorderly conduct, and a judge set his bail at $10,000, according to court records.

Police said Diamond stabbed a man during an altercation at the Grand Avenue Saloon in Port Washington at around 11:15 p.m., and then he and his fiancée fled in a white sport-utility vehicle. Diamond and his fiancée, Amanda Schutz, were taken into custody a short time later, and police said they found a folding knife with a 3.75-inch blade inside the vehicle with what appeared to be blood on it.

The victim suffered a stab wound to his right armpit, but police said the wound was not life threatening and he was recovering at home Friday.

When police caught up to the SUV, Diamond initially told the officer he had a “pen” in his hand but later admitted it was a knife, according to the criminal complaint. Diamond, who lives in Port Washington, told the officer he accidentally stabbed the man while trying to protect Schutz during a heated confrontation at the bar, according to the complaint. Other witnesses told police the fight broke out after Diamond’s fiancée got upset over people taking pictures, the complaint said.

Diamond’s agent, Roger Paul, declined to comment. A person who picked up the phone at the Grand Avenue Saloon said Diamond is not a regular at the bar. Schutz, 27, was charged with disorderly conduct.

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Apparently in the foggy haze of egg nog and family drama, my Crew and I missed perhaps the greatest news event that has happened during this blessed Christmas season; Screech went out and stabbed a Mo Fo!  I mean, I get it, any member of the Saved by the Bell cast has every right to go on a killing spree for their lackluster success since the show discontinued nearly two decades ago, but I never saw Screech as the assailant.

If we were playing CLUE, Screech would not be the guy I found in the library (Wisconsin ‘saloon’) with the Candle Stick (3.75-inch knife!) wrecking house…or would I?

Let’s place the gang from Bayside HS in a police lineup and grade them…. (an A being highest likelihood to stab someone in a midwest bar and F being the least likely)

Zach Morris

Outside of like 10 quasi-shitty episodes of NYPD Blue, Mark Paul (never trust a guy with 2 first names) Gosseler has done nothing with his career.  You would think that handsome bastard could have at least transitioned to a B-rate star making Skinemax ‘Lornos’ (light + porno= lorno).  I can easily see him stabbing dudes in bars after hitting on and picking up their girlfriends…. after buying some $1.00 Mens Room cologne….with a stolen debit card.

GRADE: C

AC Slater

Mario Lopez has actually (vomit surfacing in my throat) achieved the most success of these 90s phenoms.  Like it or not, AC’s mug is on TV almost every day dishing on all the gossip on Access Hollywood or E or the Who Gives Shit network.  He has also slain some serious tail over the years including the ex-Mrs Charlie Sheen, Denise Richards, Dancing With The Stars communist hottie Karina Smirnoff and even had a very short term marriage to that scalding Doritos girl, Ali Landry.  The only thing Slater ‘stabs’ is hot ass.

GRADE: F–

Lisa Turtle

Is Lark Voorhies still alive?  I just assumed you offed herself years ago when she wasn’t even recognized at the Burger King…she was working at.

GRADE: INCOMPLETE

Kelly Kapowski

Ah, Kelly…the girl we all loved.  I thought she had a shot at the big time.  After she left Bayview, she reinvented herself.  Changed her name to Valerie and went on to become a total slut and torment Dylan McKay across town at Beverly Hills 90210 High School.  She was like a rising Phoenix that Tiffany Amber (destined fo the Pole with that name) Thiessen.  However, giving 20 year old men erections across ‘Merica is not enough to make it in this racket.  To quote Mike Tyson, Kelly has vanished in Bolivion.  She is a viable suspect.

GRADE: B+

Mr. Belding

Let’s shift gears to that glue-sniffing principal from Bayview.  The guy was always WAY to close to the gang.  He was WAY too jolly about his station in life and, quite frankly, he gave me to the creeps.  Not to mention, Dennis Haskins (I guess that’s his real name) has done less with his acting career that all of the ‘Bell-ers’ combined.  I’d say he could be the stabbing type but my gut tells me he is working at a Friendly’s in rural Pennsylvania under a new name and is teetering on Level 3 status.  Mr. B doesn’t have a violent streak – he just loves the children.

GRADE: D

Jesse Spano

So, if you put a 3.75-inch blade to my head, Jesse would be my best guess as to being the type of person that knifes guys in Wisconsin bars on Christmas.  Elizabeth Berkeley essentially DID turn to pornography after the ‘Bell (read: Showgirls).  Beauty and loose morals are just not enough to convert in this business, but certainly a  plausible cocktail to turn to stabbing.  After being rejected by that red-headed toolbox on CSI Miami, where is a damaged girl to turn?  Jesse has stabber (and likely some various bodily fluids) written all over her face.

GRADE: A-

Screech

Say it ain’t so Dustin Diamond (is he really the Beastie Boys’ Mike D’s brother?  Really?)?  I realize a life (real and television) of rejection had to reach maximum capacity at some point, but I never thought it would be you.  Of couse, after he mercilessly pounded the late, real-life homosexual Horshack from Welcome Back Kotter on Celebrity Boxing, we all knew he had a pension for violence.  The writing was on that lockerroom wall at Bayside.  I just wish someone acted sooner.

GRADE: He did it.

“It’s alright cause I’m saved by the…

its alright cause I’m saved by the…

its alright cause I’m SAVED BY THE BELL!”