Patriot Kool-Aid

So, I had a very fortunate and unexpected privilege of having dinner with former New England Patriot, Jarvis Green (he’s the one on the left next to the Law firm of Whitey, Whitey, Whitey, Patel and Honkey)

If you are not an avid Pats fan(loser), I’ll remind you.  He was on this team for 9 years – and the really good years.  AFC Championships, Superbowls and the like.  He rolled with Belicheck, Brady, Bruschi and the whole lot of winners.  Jarvis was a part of, arguably, the greatest NFL team(s) in history.  If you click on the link above you will see that he had a admirable statistics and played a critical role in our favorite home town team’s success.  But, enough of this fan boy’s blow job.

I spent the lion’s share of last night holding my tongue and trying to play it cool as if I did not give a shit about the Patriots and the rare opportunity to get the inside scoop.  Fast forward 2 Moscow Mules and 2 Cabernets and I said, fuck it.  I am asking.  I am gonna make this giant prick uncomfortable.  I am doing some investigative/drunken/nosey reporting.  And, unfortunately, I hate to report what I got hit back with….
QUESTION: OK, Jarvis, what’s Tom Brady really like?

ANSWER: Really good dude, man.  (laughing) Except for a being a little loud.  Great guy.  Leader.

FIne, I’ll trap him now…

QUESTION: Thats cool…but how bout Belicheck?

ANSWER: Ah, Bill.  He’s the man.  Quiet, calm.  Except that he never talked to me – or any other rookie – when you get up there, guy is awesome.  I played for Nick Saban and Bil Belicheck.  Both are winners.  Both were always good to me.

Shit, Jarvis.  I am looking for some violence or , at the very least, pedophilia.

QUESTION: OK, fine.  How about Tedy Bruschi?

ANSWER: Absolute bad ass.  He used to punch players in the face if they werent doing their job.  Right under the face mask.  Guys would be bleeding.  He didn’t give a shit.  Absolute badass.

Damn.  Nothing.  The good – and uninteresting – news is that the New England Patriots are apparently exactly what you, me and the wall all believe; a complete and total family unit.  They work as hard as we expect.  They care for one another.  Most impressively (to this guy anyway) is they keep their shit in their house.  It became quite clear to me (even through the mild buzz) that Mr. Green was not placating me.  He repeated phrases like, ‘We were a team, man”, “We knew what we were doing”.  I wanted more.  I wanted him to say that Bill Belicheck likes to dance to show tunes in a garder belt.  Tedy Bruschi wears lipstick after a big win.  Tom Brady uses rogaine.  Anything!  Give me something that I can share with my 11 readers.  Anything!?  Nope.  Jarvis just confirmed exactly what we all want to believe: The Patriots are that good. They are that cool.  They are that united.  It is awesome.

Bring that shit to tomorrow’s game, fellas.

Thanks, Jarvis – I wont tell anyone about beating you at arm wrestling. (and by arm wrestling I mean the race to get white girl wasted)

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About Frank McCabe

Frank McCabe is an avid relaxer and Chinese food (i.e. Mai Tai) connoisseur. When he is not tending to his 'real' job, his wife and three children, Frank escapes reality by writing and inventing anything "funny" that pops in his head. With a Bachelors degree in Silliness, Frank subscribes to the theory that life is short...and, well, that kinda sucks, doesn't it? In his downtime Frank enjoys skinny skiing and going to bullfights on acid. @fhmccabe

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