Uncategorized

Sorry Puerto Rico, but you’re not quite lottery material.

http://youtu.be/igDuYyvyrGw

Boston.com

DES MOINES, Iowa (AP) — Tickets in North Carolina, Puerto Rico and Texas have matched all six numbers to split a $564.1 million Powerball jackpot, lottery officials said Thursday.

Sue Dooley, senior drawing manager and production coordinator for the Multi-State Lottery Association, said the Puerto Rico ticket was the first Powerball jackpot winner ever sold outside the continental United States.

Puerto Rico joined Powerball less than a year ago. Besides 44 states and Washington, D.C., the game is also played in the Virgin Islands, but there has never been a jackpot winner there, Dooley said.

The Texas Lottery posted on Twitter early Thursday that one of the winning tickets was sold at Appletree Food Mart in Princeton, Texas. There was no immediate information on the cities or stores that produced the winners in North Carolina or Puerto Rico.

Puerto Rico?  WTF?  When did this happen?  Like it’s one thing to tell us that we’re probably going to be splitting the jackpot with at least four other methheads from some of those states that were invented just to prolong slavery.  But it’s another thing to throw the Puerto Rico’s and the Guam’s of the world into the mix all willy-nilly at the last minute and think that nobody will notice.  I for one would have strategized differently.

But more importantly, allowing Puerto Rico to participate in Powerball is against the spirit of the lottery.  Besides that fact that they’re not really a state, lottery jackpots are intended for really downtrodden, desperate losers so we can be assured that their winnings make it back into the economy in the form of dirt bikes for all their buddies.  At that, I’ve never met a downtrodden, desperate Puerto Rican in my life.  They’re like the happiest people on earth.  They’re a piously devout, family oriented tribe of people.  They seem to live each day like its Saturday, and they can turn a mid-summer, gridlocked traffic jam into a Reggaeton dance-off with nothing more than a 1991 Toyota Tercel and a ¼ tank of gas.  I’m sorry, but they just don’t fit the mold of lottery winners.  The lottery is about giving false hope to people with no hope.

Can I Be Frank, Frank McCabe, Uncategorized

Breaking down Journey’s ‘Faithfully’ video

journey

(If there has ever been a more random blog topic,  challenge me)

“Hi, my name is Frank and I love like ‘Journey’“.

Be honest, they rocked it.  I would dare to say that they did not have one bad song.  Yeah, I said it.

Don’t Stop Believin?  Don’t worry, I won’t.

Wheel in the Sky?  Where??

Anyway you Want It?  I’ll tell you exactly how I want it Steve Perry…right in the…

Open Arms?  Bring it in for the real thing, fellas?

Sorry…

But, as great as their music was, they will certainly go down in the Hall of Fame of stupid/lame/fruity video makers.

The other day while at work I broke out some You Tube (I just call it ‘the Tube’) videos and landed on a  sweet Journey playlist.  Suddenly, along comes their classic pussy tune – ‘Faithfully‘ – which I regretfully love – and I decided to watch the MTV (when there used to actually be a MTV) video of this massacre.  I quickly learned something.

Every single second of this video is unintentially funny.

Take a look and I’ll brealk down the hilarity for you….

I’ll wait for you…go ahead….

0:01 – Check the stupid Journey window sticker being held up by the lowest-man-on-the-totem-pole-of-life-ever has to adhere to the tour bus.

0:06 – He actually sticks it on the bus!

0:11 – Their bus has a following of other buses?  Come on guys?  Cut the shit.

0:18 – “Midnight sun“.  Ha ha.  So clever.

0:28 – Fog on window wipe off.  So deep.

0:37 – Sleeping on bus?  I sincerely doubt it with all of that dynamite 80s blow flowing about…

0:41 – Sweet mustache, you sensitive douchebag!

0:54 – Yeah, that car seat should be perfectly safe on that prop jet plane headed for Boise.

1:00 – Why so sad Mullet McMullerson? Maybe because you and your fake girlfriend have same haircut?

1:04 – What time are you wrestling Superfly Snuka, Steve?

1:11 – Still have that Guido caterpillar on your face, dude?

1:18 – “Shit, these jeans are tight”

1:24 – Oh look, a lighter…how inventive!  Just take off your shirt, groupie.

1:36 – “Yep, I am a child molester…with half a guitar”

1:48 – “Christ, I am uglier than my molester friend.”

1:53 – “I am only laughing cause they are filming me, dipshit.”

1:58 – “I am just so in to this article in Rolling Stone about VD as we fly over the Rockies”

2:05 – “Why would I ever wear a yellow t-shirt?  I am not Charlie Fucking Brown”

2:07 – “Time for me and this badboy to go our ‘Separate Ways’.  Are we still filming?”

2:16 – “Anyone else hot?”

2:25 – Gratuitous slow motion footage.  Ah, remember the 80s?

2:32 – “Look, I am dancing with the wife I am about to cheat on after the Topeka show!”

2:38 – Sluts with bad haurcuts.

2:49 – Fake wind

2:55-3:20 – Gratuitous bus footage.  We get it – you live on a bus.

3:30 – “That’s right girls, no sleeves”

3:36 – “Dude you look so gay!” ” Dude, you do too!”

3:41 – Wow, now a PINK shirt with no sleeves?  Jesus H….

4:07 – Hey look its the stupid Journey sticker again!

4:18 – Wow, a shimmering sybol.  Again, so damn deep boys.

The End.

P.S. – The ony thing more insulting than their videos was when they made a worldwide search to find the Philipino twin of Steve Perry to be the new front man.

arnel

Dan Tobin, Pistoffirishman, Sports

When did we get so bad at cheating in youth sports?

LittleLeaguer

Washington Post

Jackie Robinson West, the Chicago-area team that won the U.S. championship in the Little League World Series last summer, has been stripped of its title after an investigation found the team used ineligible players in an attempt to build a super-team.

The Chicago South Side team, whose players were African-American and raised hopes that the game would enjoy a resurgence among young blacks, was found to have used players who live outside its geographic area. On Wednesday morning, Little League International announced its decision, saying that the U.S. championship would now go to the Mountain Ridge team from Las Vegas. Its investigation determined that Jackie Robinson West used a falsified boundary map and that team officials met with neighboring Little League districts in Illinois to claim players.

“As our Little League operations staff learned of the many issues and actions that occurred over the course of 2014 and prior, as painful as this is, we feel it a necessary decision to maintain the integrity of the Little League program. No team can be allowed to attempt to strengthen its team by putting players on their roster that live outside their boundaries.”

Chris Janes, vice president of the Evergreen Park Athletic Association on Chicago’s South Side, told Chicago’s ABC affiliate that his group was suspicious of the super-team, especially after JRW outscored it 43-2 in a little over four innings in a sectional playoff game.

OOOOOH.  The old redistricting trick.  I haven’t seen that move since Gordon Bombay selfishly crushed the career of a budding Adam Banks so that he could play him on a wing next to a shitty skating Charlie Conway…just to silence his inner demons because he once hit the post as a 10 year-old. (Or perhaps because Hans once dropped a digit on him.)  Youth sports are so easy to cheat at it’s surprisingly remarkable how bad some people are at doing it.  By all means, draw your own maps, forge birth certificates, or even sell a couple dozen boxes of crackle candy bars to cover the freight for smuggling some cherubic looking, teen-aged Dominicans into the country to lock down your middle infield.   But whatever you do, DO NOT beat anybody 43-2.  When you quadruple mercy rule someone, it doesn’t matter if you’re cheating or not.  Your vanquished opponent will do whatever they can to crop-dust your trophy case with the stench of their shame.  (See Indianapolis Colts) I’ve seen it a thousand times.

BTW, even though I credited Gordon Bombay above, the real originators of the re-districting move was the sage gentleman over at Callery Park Baseball back in the early 90’s that saw a young @pistoffIrishman in the pipeline of backstops, and realized it would be impossible to make it to Williamsport with a kid trying to signal curveballs with sausage fingers, so they convinced Chelmsford to annex Van Greenby street for the duration of tryouts so they could call up a 9 year old, with power from both sides of the plate.  True story.

Austin Fontanella, Sports

That’s One Way to End a Game

If you have ever been to any sort of high school game (speed chess matches are the worse) then you know tensions are high right from the start. Players grow up hating these rival schools, and if there was any good blood left that’s quickly erased once the chants break out (I can still hear the Bloomingville fans screaming; “Patzer, Patzer Patzer” as I took on Elliot Cromwell III in the New Hampshire Speed Chess Championship- Small School Division).

However, once the game gets underway nothing more than a few icy stares and perhaps a couple of punches are exchanged (or in the case of my championship chess match my rook for his bishop was just one of the many pieces which changed hands).

It seems though, these boys in Indiana never got the message. Take a look at the video below between the Griffith Panthers and the Hammond Wildcats:

After a little research it appears it was the first quarter when these two decided to go after each other. The two teams did not finish this match as the game itself was immediately canceled once the punches started flying. Yes you read that right; a game had to be canceled in just the first quarter after the boys were more interested in doing their best Rocky impression then balling out.

Really Indiana? I though the self proclaimed basketball mecca of the world would have sacrificed a puppy before letting a basketball game end prematurely. I’m shocked we didn’t see Larry Legend himself magically appear, start a drum circle, and explain to them; basketball is gift from the gods and they should cherish the mere fact they are even on the court. I’m truly disappointed in you Indiana and I mean isn’t that worse than any punishment the cops (who are looking to arrest people) could impose on you?

(Oh to wrap up my speed chess story I was down to just my king and two pawns before I stormed back to beat Elliot Cromwell III. I pride myself on not licking people but I was not about to pass up the opportunity to taste Cromwell’s sweet tears of defeat.)

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Uncategorized

What do we do now until the Masters?

winter%20golf

The Patriots win the Super Bowl which leads to everyone jumping around hugging one another and telling stories how they saw Brady in traffic once on their way to play miniature golf at happy Hampton. While all this is going on around me, I realize this euphoria of the big win will go away in a few days and I will be stuck with “what the hell am I going to do now for 2 months”. Ya I know “go play with your kids” “do some stuff around the house” yada yada yada. I do all that crap I need to do during the week and save up just for Sunday. Now that’s over, yes the Bruins will be on and I can watch the Celtics if somebody tapes my eyelids open, but just not something I can look forward to all week long like football was. So until Golf replaces that giant hole in my stomach next to the 12 miller lights and tuna sandwich, here are some suggestions that will help me and you get to April.

-Have a Dead Hooker hunt in Warren Sapps backyard
-Camp out near a nice icy spot downtown, and wait for it, its funny every time
-Watch Tiger Woods while he watches skiing
-Have Reggie Bush hold your drink while you go to the bathroom
-Go to Market Basket before a snow storm and try not to kill someone with a skippy jar
-See if you can hold your breath longer then Whitney Houstons Daughter (bet you can’t)
-Make a giant snow penis, also funny every time
-Break into some cars in North Andover
-House of cards,Breaking Bad,Game of Thrones,Walking Dead, just Netflix it
-Pillow case and a staircase
-Drinking and the board game CLUE, shit takes forever when your drunk
-Go to Target and not buy anything (almost impossible)
-Guess the number of kids Gronk and Edleman will have in 9 months
-Say FEB-RU-ARY correctly in a sentence with LI-BRARY

Well these things should at least get you to March Madness and after that its just about clear sailing to the Masters and golf season. Oh ya, you can also try bonding with family members, charity work, church, help your fellow man, you know all that bullshit
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