Worst Chain Necklace Ever

Bronx, NY Man Commits Suicide by Pulling His Own Head Off

Yesterday, bystanders in the Bronx watched in horror as a man commit suicide by self-decapitation.

The New York Daily News described Tomas Rivera’s death thusly: “[Rivera] tied a chain from his head to a pole, then hit the gas on his 2005 Honda CRV in Hunts Point.”

His head was ripped off, according to police, and “was left on the street by the pole.”

You can say a lot of things about this man, Tomas Rivera, but you can’t call him a quitter. If I saw this guy pull that crap it would be awful and I wouldn’t be able to help myself from the nonsense that came out of my mouth, such as..

“Yo that guy is completely off the chain!”

“Well at least he didn’t go through the windshield.”

“Please turn the salsa music down I’m getting a head ache”

“That better not be my mountain bike chain.”

“Who said the CRV had no pickup?”

“Oh my god he isn’t wearing a seatbelt.”

“Does anyone know any  of his 12 kids? Is he bleeding?”

“Oh ya he is bleeding.”

“I feel the same way when the Pats don’t cover.”

Even worse picture being this guys family calling relatives about the death “Just wanted to let you know Tomas has passed away.  Ya it was a bit sudden, but he went peacefully by pulling his head off”.

The real question here is what made this guy so mad that he killed himself in such a “screw all you guys” kinda way? I got a couple ideas of what pushed him over the edge.

Maybe he got stuck watching Bachelor Pad in Paradise and got depressed when that one-handed broad couldn’t clap?

Maybe his wife told him any where was a good place for dinner but shot down all 17 of his suggestions?

Maybe he just recently found out that Sam and Diane broke up or maybe he couldn’t beat King Hippo in Mike Tyson’s Punchout?

Whatever it was he completely over reacted. If he had to do it all over again I’m sure he probably wouldn’t have filled the tank up. 

Uzi Dazzy

 

UZ

An Arizona shooting instructor died after the 9-year-old girl he was teaching to use an Uzi accidentally shot him in the head, according to the Associated Press.

Charles Vacca, 39, was standing next to the girl Monday morning, offering instruction at a shooting range in White Hill, about an hour southeast of Las Vegas, authorities told Phoenix station KTVK.

Mohave County Sheriff Jim McCabe told the Las Vegas Review-Journal that the girl had safely fired the gun many times when it was set in the “single-shot” mode. But then the gun was put into fully automatic mode, and that’s when it recoiled and fired off multiple rounds. The girl lost control of the gun as it went above her head, and she shot Vaca.

“The guy just dropped,” McCabe told Review-Journal.

Vaca died after being airlifted to a hospital in Las Vegas, the Associated Press reported.

The girl was vacationing with her parents, from New Jersey, and was visiting Last Stop Arizona, where the Burgers and Bullets shooting range is located, the Review-Journal reported.

The shooting range’s Web site says the minimum age for the “ground adventure” is 8, and children ages 8 to 17 “must be accompanied by parent or legal guardian at all times.”

McCabe said that no charges will be filed in the incident.

Okay everybody get the colored ribbons out, lets start a ice bucket challenge for these people, lets talk about what a tragedy this is and how it could be prevented in the future. How about this assholes…not giving a goddamn Uzi to a 9 year old? This isn’t Red Dawn here people; Swayze isn’t teaching this girl how to survive the Commies, it’s people on vacation hoping to Facebook something to Grandma. I wouldn’t let a 9 year old hold a bottle of ketchup near me never mind a gun that can mow down the starting lineup of the Red Sox.  Unless he whispered in her ear that “One Direction sucks“, I am guessing this is just a accident. Not a tragic accident, just an accident. A tragic accident would be if he only had one more day of work before retirement.  We can look at the bright side of this accident, she will probably never have a issue with boys making fun of her.  She will most likely be cast in the Expendables 4, and she can always say “remember that time in Arizona when I killed a guy“.

(Red from Shawshank Redemption Voice Over)

I’d like to think the last thing that went through that instructors head, other than that bullet, was ‘what the hell am I doing helping a 9 year old girl shoot a stupid ass target? Well, at least I only got one more day til retirement’.

 

 

When’s Rhinoceros week?

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So it’s Shark Week again, that special time of year when you tune into The Discovery Channel in hopes of seeing some clown with a creepy accent get his leg bitten off. I’m with you guys, I am all for people with creepy accents being chomped to pieces. Shark Week is just like a NASCAR race, you are really only watching hoping for an accident (insert Tony Stewart joke here). Without the gore its boring and it’s been covered  – big, little, flying, mechanical, hammer, tiger, prehistoric, cold blooded, pool and card sharks. Hell, they now have a God damn late night talk show “Shark Week Live” where some Troy McClure guy talks about his unnatural love of sharks. Unless your showing me live footage of Hooper riding Jaws while swallowing up that whale Khloe Khardasian on the Hamptons, I’ve kinda checked out.

What’s the next animal that should have its own week dedicated to nonstop coverage? How bout a modern day fucking Dinosaur unicorn that is covered in armor! I know what your thinking “I know nothing of this animal”?  Ya no shit me neither. It’s the Rhinoceros you jack wagons. I do know how to escape bears, elephants,sharks, deer ticks, and Sasquatch but a rhino comes at me I’m more dead then Mrs. Doubtfire 2. A gun won’t do it, the thing is armor plated which is stronger then Robin Williams belt (over quota on suicide jokes?). You can try running away but the thing is faster then my brother through a 30 pack of Budweiser.

Rhinos get a bad rap too because we only see the old ones in the zoo, but the Rhinos in the bush are plotting away. Those mother-fuckers just sitting there talking to each other about the best way to spear a tourist is through the fanny pack. The only thing more awkward then running into a pissed off Rhino late at night is Thanksgiving Dinner after we have the “alcoholism is on both sides of the family” discussion at my parents. So think of the ways Shark Week has helped you avoid getting bitten, punch it in the nose, magnets, play dead, Tackleberrys .357 magnum, and remember none of those moves will help you when that modern day Dinosaur puts its horn right up your ass.