Can I Be Frank, Dan Tobin

Congrats to the Lowell Portuguese Bakery for becoming THE greatest spot on the planet for baked goods.

mouse_scared

Lowell Sun

LOWELL — Lowell Portuguese Bakery has been temporarily closed due to an infestation of mice, according to the city’s health inspector.

The bakery, located at 930 Gorham St., was closed March 11.

The mice were seen during a state health inspection, after which the city sent an inspector and saw evidence of mice as well, Lowell Senior Health Inspector David Ouellette said.

“They saw a couple of dead ones and there was evidence of droppings everywhere,” Ouellette said.

The bakery can reopen once it is cleaned up and passes a new health inspection.

“They have to completely clean up the place and set up an extermination program,” Ouellette said. “Once they get an extermination program in place, they can get reinspected by both agencies and that would allow them to open back up.”

You bring me goods from a bakery that doesn’t have any mice, and I’m just going windmill dunk it into the trash right in your face. Who’s a more qualified baked goods critic than a mouse? So when you got every mouse in the city lining up at your door for a taste, you know it’s the bomb. The mice don’t lie. I don’t care if you’re hawking award winning Cronuts to blocks and blocks of tourists, if you’ve got no mice, your product sucks.

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God Bless my witty Facebook friends.

 


I feel bad for folks that aren’t on Facebook on days like today.  They’ll never know what it is like to start your day with 300 posts of clever observational comedy…like snap shots of their backyard snowscape with a witty comments, “Can’t believe spring is here…not!” Or “Love this snowy spring weather…SAID NOBODY EVER!”  These people are the super unleaded that makes Facebook go.  I can’t imagine getting through the day without it.  

 

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How Do you Get Through Your Day?

Have you heard about this story yet? A Kindergarten teacher from Ankeny, Iowa is facing charges after it was discovered she was allegedly (I’m trying to be a good reporter here and since she hasn’t been convicted yet I’m writing allegedly… deal with it people!) pounding beers at school.

Yes it appears Miss Jennifer Rich couldn’t wait for that dreaded two o’clock bell to ring before she breaks into a few cold ones.

(Ahh yes the smiling face of a woman who knows she has six pack waiting for her if she can just get through picture day).

Jennifer Rich

And how was this mastermind caught? Was it because a nosy student was snooping around her purse?  No.

Was it because the janitor did some grade A detective work after having to clean up glitter from places glitter should never be? No, that wasn’t it either.

Turns out a parent who came in to help out on Valentines day caught Miss Rich popping more tops than the class could turn in (get it a box top joke? Get it? No seriously do you get it?)

Then once police arrived they found two empties and four more full ones ready to go hiding in her purse.

In her defense; having just one child has caused many great people to drink. Now imagine having 20 of them for a minimum of 8 hours a day. Then on top of that you also get to tell parents that Little Johnny can’t go to first grade because has hasn’t yet mastered counting to 10 and oh yea he eats glue.

And with that I propose a toast. Here’s to you Jen (can I call you Jen?)… To always smiling while you shape the minds of the world’s next generation! That while also enjoying a liquid lunch.

Fallon

Side Though: What beer was she drinking? I smell an advertisement opportunity here!

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10 Reasons Why Bostonians are Dicks (and justified to be so)

So, as you may or may not have heard, depending what rock you’ve been under; New England, specifically the Boston area, has gotten annihilated by snow within the past 6 weeks. Not only has it been snowing every day, but we’ve been seeing temperatures of -20 degrees below zero with the biting winds. I don’t care who you are, if you aren’t here experiencing this atrocity, you should be heading to your local church and lighting candles for us. Bostonians as a group are already labeled as jerks, but you know what- we absolutely are justified. And here’s just a few reasons why:

  1. Snow: This one is a given. Everywhere else in the country it’s portrayed on christmas cards and stupid Pinterest sites as sparkling fairy dust. In reality, it is Satan’s dandruff that causes roofs to collapse and cars to be lodged into snowbanks. It’s heavy, cold, wet, and absolutely exhausting to shovel. The only group of people who like the snow are the plow drivers- these guys are making bank this year driving around 60hours a week all jacked up on their Red Bulls and Cumberland farm .99 coffees.
  2. Ice: Ever think you’re walking on normal pavement then take a dixie for no apparent reason? Please meet ice!! Ice is a dick that can be sneaky (black ice) or cause random water to appear inside your house with no leaking! Damn those Ice Dams. Ice is snow’s asshole cousin. I don’t know which I hate more. 
  3. Cold Weather: Want to go take your trash out? Better bundle up! Sweatshirt, hat, scarf, mittens, snow boots, insulated jacket, and a pair of long johns. You know that chill you feel in the supermarket when you walk through the frozen food aisle? That’s cute. How about any skin exposed for more than 2 minutes turns numb and hurts. Try getting into a car that’s been sitting outside overnight in negative zero temperature…. That thing is harder to turn on than a  never mind, not going there with that analogy.
  4. Frozen Pipes: You go to take your nice hot morning shower, and surprise! No water! Why? because your pipes may be frozen. As if that’s not fun enough, if you don’t slowly re-heat your pipes, they could burst, causing a frozen watery mess everywhere. Yay! 
  5. Iced Coffees: Every Bostonian’s dilemma. You need your Dunks iced coffee, but can’t hold it, even with your mittens on because it’s too.damn.cold. 
  6. Fashion: HA! Yea, we all look like bums. I dare you to wear a short skirt and stiletto’s in 3 feet of snow. Any of your nice leather coats or shoes not water treated? Kiss those goodbye in the snow. No super duper insulation in your jacket? You might as well be wearing a bikini, because I can assure you the wind will find a way to chill your bones reeeeealllll quick 
  7. Transportation: Our Subways have hardly functioned properly in two months. Our roads have no where else to put snow, and every road has become so narrow you have to hold your breath as each car passes to make sure you don’t have a nice collisions
  8. Cabin Fever: You have officially become a hermit. Netflix and your space heater are your best friends. Running out of booze to keep you warm becomes a life or death situation. You dream of beaches, humidity, mosquitoes, anything but the bleak tundra of snow outside your window and the newscaster telling you how inhumanly cold it is outside.
  9. Social Media: We all have those asshole friends who go on vacation or live in other states that like to be cute, post pics of the beach or the sun (Sun? what’s that?) with HILARIOUS captions such as “Wish you were here?” “Ugh, so hot next to the pool” etc etc etc. DON’T WANNA HEAR IT ANYMORE, PALS!
  10. MOST IMPORTANTLY: Everyone else is just as cold, just as miserable, and we hate everything. You say hello to the neighbor, they’ll tell you to F*ck off, but it’s cool. We get it. We Bostonians always persevere and will be back in a few short months to tell you why we hate summer.

 Dear Friends, Please keep us in your thoughts, and understand why we are the way we are