So, as you may or may not have heard, depending what rock you’ve been under; New England, specifically the Boston area, has gotten annihilated by snow within the past 6 weeks. Not only has it been snowing every day, but we’ve been seeing temperatures of -20 degrees below zero with the biting winds. I don’t care who you are, if you aren’t here experiencing this atrocity, you should be heading to your local church and lighting candles for us. Bostonians as a group are already labeled as jerks, but you know what- we absolutely are justified. And here’s just a few reasons why:
- Snow: This one is a given. Everywhere else in the country it’s portrayed on christmas cards and stupid Pinterest sites as sparkling fairy dust. In reality, it is Satan’s dandruff that causes roofs to collapse and cars to be lodged into snowbanks. It’s heavy, cold, wet, and absolutely exhausting to shovel. The only group of people who like the snow are the plow drivers- these guys are making bank this year driving around 60hours a week all jacked up on their Red Bulls and Cumberland farm .99 coffees.
- Ice: Ever think you’re walking on normal pavement then take a dixie for no apparent reason? Please meet ice!! Ice is a dick that can be sneaky (black ice) or cause random water to appear inside your house with no leaking! Damn those Ice Dams. Ice is snow’s asshole cousin. I don’t know which I hate more.
- Cold Weather: Want to go take your trash out? Better bundle up! Sweatshirt, hat, scarf, mittens, snow boots, insulated jacket, and a pair of long johns. You know that chill you feel in the supermarket when you walk through the frozen food aisle? That’s cute. How about any skin exposed for more than 2 minutes turns numb and hurts. Try getting into a car that’s been sitting outside overnight in negative zero temperature…. That thing is harder to turn on
than anever mind, not going there with that analogy.
- Frozen Pipes: You go to take your nice hot morning shower, and surprise! No water! Why? because your pipes may be frozen. As if that’s not fun enough, if you don’t slowly re-heat your pipes, they could burst, causing a frozen watery mess everywhere. Yay!
- Iced Coffees: Every Bostonian’s dilemma. You need your Dunks iced coffee, but can’t hold it, even with your mittens on because it’s too.damn.cold.
- Fashion: HA! Yea, we all look like bums. I dare you to wear a short skirt and stiletto’s in 3 feet of snow. Any of your nice leather coats or shoes not water treated? Kiss those goodbye in the snow. No super duper insulation in your jacket? You might as well be wearing a bikini, because I can assure you the wind will find a way to chill your bones reeeeealllll quick
- Transportation: Our Subways have hardly functioned properly in two months. Our roads have no where else to put snow, and every road has become so narrow you have to hold your breath as each car passes to make sure you don’t have a nice collisions
- Cabin Fever: You have officially become a hermit. Netflix and your space heater are your best friends. Running out of booze to keep you warm becomes a life or death situation. You dream of beaches, humidity, mosquitoes, anything but the bleak tundra of snow outside your window and the newscaster telling you how inhumanly cold it is outside.
- Social Media: We all have those asshole friends who go on vacation or live in other states that like to be cute, post pics of the beach or the sun (Sun? what’s that?) with HILARIOUS captions such as “Wish you were here?” “Ugh, so hot next to the pool” etc etc etc. DON’T WANNA HEAR IT ANYMORE, PALS!
- MOST IMPORTANTLY: Everyone else is just as cold, just as miserable, and we hate everything. You say hello to the neighbor, they’ll tell you to F*ck off, but it’s cool. We get it. We Bostonians always persevere and will be back in a few short months to tell you why we hate summer.
Dear Friends, Please keep us in your thoughts, and understand why we are the way we are