Can I Be Frank, Frank McCabe, Uncategorized

Screech, Stabbing and the Saved By the Bell Police Lineup

The actor best known for playing the character Screech in the ’90s sitcom “Saved by the Bell” was arrested Thursday on charges that he stabbed a man with a knife during a fight at a Wisconsin bar, police said.

Dustin Diamond, 37, appeared in court Friday on a charge of second-degree recklessly endangering safety, a felony, as well as misdemeanor charges of carrying a concealed weapon and disorderly conduct, and a judge set his bail at $10,000, according to court records.

Police said Diamond stabbed a man during an altercation at the Grand Avenue Saloon in Port Washington at around 11:15 p.m., and then he and his fiancée fled in a white sport-utility vehicle. Diamond and his fiancée, Amanda Schutz, were taken into custody a short time later, and police said they found a folding knife with a 3.75-inch blade inside the vehicle with what appeared to be blood on it.

The victim suffered a stab wound to his right armpit, but police said the wound was not life threatening and he was recovering at home Friday.

When police caught up to the SUV, Diamond initially told the officer he had a “pen” in his hand but later admitted it was a knife, according to the criminal complaint. Diamond, who lives in Port Washington, told the officer he accidentally stabbed the man while trying to protect Schutz during a heated confrontation at the bar, according to the complaint. Other witnesses told police the fight broke out after Diamond’s fiancée got upset over people taking pictures, the complaint said.

Diamond’s agent, Roger Paul, declined to comment. A person who picked up the phone at the Grand Avenue Saloon said Diamond is not a regular at the bar. Schutz, 27, was charged with disorderly conduct.

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Apparently in the foggy haze of egg nog and family drama, my Crew and I missed perhaps the greatest news event that has happened during this blessed Christmas season; Screech went out and stabbed a Mo Fo! I mean, I get it, any member of the Saved by the Bell cast has every right to go on a killing spree for their lackluster success since the show discontinued nearly two decades ago, but I never saw Screech as the assailant.

If we were playing CLUE, Screech would not be the guy I found in the library (Wisconsin ‘saloon’) with the Candle Stick (3.75-inch knife!) wrecking house…or would I?

Let’s place the gang from Bayside HS in a police lineup and grade them…. (an A being highest likelihood to stab someone in a midwest bar and F being the least likely)

Zach Morris

Outside of like 10 quasi-shitty episodes of NYPD Blue, Mark Paul (never trust a guy with 2 first names) Gosseler has done nothing with his career. You would think that handsome bastard could have at least transitioned to a B-rate star making Skinemax ‘Lornos’ (light + porno= lorno). I can easily see him stabbing dudes in bars after hitting on and picking up their girlfriends…. after buying some $1.00 Mens Room cologne….with a stolen debit card.

GRADE: C

AC Slater

Mario Lopez has actually (vomit surfacing in my throat) achieved the most success of these 90s phenoms. Like it or not, AC’s mug is on TV almost every day dishing on all the gossip on Access Hollywood or E or the Who Gives Shit network. He has also slain some serious tail over the years including the ex-Mrs Charlie Sheen, Denise Richards, Dancing With The Stars communist hottie Karina Smirnoff and even had a very short term marriage to that scalding Doritos girl, Ali Landry. The only thing Slater ‘stabs’ is hot ass.

GRADE: F–

Lisa Turtle

Is Lark Voorhies still alive? I just assumed you offed herself years ago when she wasn’t even recognized at the Burger King…she was working at.

GRADE: INCOMPLETE

Kelly Kapowski

Ah, Kelly…the girl we all loved. I thought she had a shot at the big time. After she left Bayview, she reinvented herself. Changed her name to Valerie and went on to become a total slut and torment Dylan McKay across town at Beverly Hills 90210 High School. She was like a rising Phoenix that Tiffany Amber (destined fo the Pole with that name) Thiessen. However, giving 20 year old men erections across ‘Merica is not enough to make it in this racket. To quote Mike Tyson, Kelly has vanished in Bolivion. She is a viable suspect.

GRADE: B+

Mr. Belding

Let’s shift gears to that glue-sniffing principal from Bayview. The guy was always WAY to close to the gang. He was WAY too jolly about his station in life and, quite frankly, he gave me to the creeps. Not to mention, Dennis Haskins (I guess that’s his real name) has done less with his acting career that all of the ‘Bell-ers’ combined. I’d say he could be the stabbing type but my gut tells me he is working at a Friendly’s in rural Pennsylvania under a new name and is teetering on Level 3 status. Mr. B doesn’t have a violent streak – he just loves the children.

GRADE: D

Jesse Spano

So, if you put a 3.75-inch blade to my head, Jesse would be my best guess as to being the type of person that knifes guys in Wisconsin bars on Christmas. Elizabeth Berkeley essentially DID turn to pornography after the ‘Bell (read: Showgirls). Beauty and loose morals are just not enough to convert in this business, but certainly a plausible cocktail to turn to stabbing. After being rejected by that red-headed toolbox on CSI Miami, where is a damaged girl to turn? Jesse has stabber (and likely some various bodily fluids) written all over her face.

GRADE: A-

Screech

Say it ain’t so Dustin Diamond (is he really the Beastie Boys’ Mike D’s brother? Really?)? I realize a life (real and television) of rejection had to reach maximum capacity at some point, but I never thought it would be you. Of couse, after he mercilessly pounded the late, real-life homosexual Horshack from Welcome Back Kotter on Celebrity Boxing, we all knew he had a pension for violence. The writing was on that lockerroom wall at Bayside. I just wish someone acted sooner.

GRADE: He did it.

“It’s alright cause I’m saved by the…

its alright cause I’m saved by the…

its alright cause I’m SAVED BY THE BELL!”

Can I Be Frank, Frank McCabe

Stand By Me meets Dumb and Dumber

Remember the 80s movie “Stand By Me”? Remember the famous pie-eating-Lard-ass-Barf-O-Rama scene?

Well, pretty much the same exact thing is happening at the McCabe house his week…minus the delicious pie and good natured Country folk

Oh, almost forgot, today is a Creature Double Feature.

The bathroom scene from “Dumb and Dumber” is also showing….minus hottie Mary Swanson and the Aspen mansion.

Cripes!!!!

Can I Be Frank, Frank McCabe

Welcome to Fast Train, meet your economics Professor, ‘Ivy’

Lawsuit: College used strippers to lure students

MIAMI (AP) — A for-profit Florida college used exotic dancers as admissions officers, falsified documents and coached students to lie on financial forms as it fraudulently obtained millions of dollars in federal money, according to a federal lawsuit filed in Miami.

On at least one of its seven campuses, FastTrain College “purposely hired attractive women and sometimes exotic dancers and encouraged them to dress provocatively while they recruited young men in neighborhoods to attend FastTrain,” according to an ongoing civil lawsuit. The Florida attorney general and the U.S. attorney in Miami announced Wednesday that they were joining the lawsuit against the now-defunct FastTrain and former owner Alejandro Amor, 56.

Amor, of Coral Gables, was criminally indicted in October and faces pending charges of conspiracy and theft of government money. A telephone message left at a listing for Amor wasn’t immediately returned

The complaint says Miami-based FastTrain and Amor bilked the U.S. Department of Education out of millions of dollars with falsified grant applications from at least January 2009 through June 2012, when the school closed after an FBI raid.

The school is accused of falsifying high school diplomas for students who didn’t have them. Because they never graduated from high school, the lawsuit contends the students wouldn’t have qualified for student aid.

To access taxpayer dollars, the school needed first-time students to attend class for at least 30 days. If they didn’t, FastTrain falsified attendance records or backdated the enrollment so they could collect the money quicker, the lawsuit says.

The growth of for-profit colleges, which are governed by private organizations or corporations, has been explosive in Florida and across the country. As the schools have grown, numerous whistle-blower lawsuits have been filed against them by ex-employees. In the FastTrain case, the whistle-blower lawsuit was originally filed by Juan Pena, a former admissions employee. These lawsuits typically gain steam only when the government joins the case, as in Pena’s lawsuit.

Some former FastTrain students say they are still struggling with student loan debts, and the lawsuit identifies more than 160 former students who are now in default. Those who were attending around the time of the FBI raid can get their loans discharged under a “closed school” provision.

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“Oh my God, Mom, come see this! I got in! I got in! I got accepted to FastTrain!”

The words every parent longs to hear.

Let’s back the Train up here for a second. How could EVERYONE not sense the sham that was happening here?

A. The freaking school is called FAST TRAIN! Are you shitting me, Mr. Amor? Look, I get the fact that you are a scam artist and probably did not have a chance to fully think this through, but this is Marketing 101 (of course, they don’t offer that course at FT). You should have named your institution something a little more subtle like, oh, I don’t know, ‘Grand Fakes University’ or ‘Swindler State’ or even ‘COME GET A ILLEGITIMATE DIPLOMA COLLEGE’. It’s just common sense and a way to stay under the radar of those do-gooders at the FBI.

B. I have been out of college for some time now, but since when do ‘admissions folks’ recruit in neighborhoods? “Waldo, there is a raunchy skankbag at the door who wants to know if you want to go to college.” With that said, if you want to get a 17 year old boy excited about learning, this place’s heart was in the right place. Instead of writing 1000 word essay about how you will change the world, you get a $1000 in change to spend at the on campus Library/Arcade/Whore House. Every man of that age has one thing on their mind when they envision college; girls. The peeps over at the Train were just adding a little Viagra to their efforts. Bravo, I say. In the dog-eat-stripper world of for-profit, phony colleges, you need every advantage possible to stay in the game.

C. Disregard this rant – this happened in Florida. All makes complete sense now.

Can I Be Frank, Frank McCabe, Uncategorized

Finally the right girl for Charlie Manson

CORCORAN, Calif. — Mass murderer Charles Manson plans to marry a 26-year-old woman who left her Midwestern home and spent the past nine years trying to help exonerate him.

Afton Elaine Burton said she loves the man convicted in the notorious murders of seven people, including pregnant actress Sharon Tate.

No date has been set, but a wedding coordinator has been assigned by the prison to handle the ceremony, and the couple has until early February to get married before they would have to reapply.

The Kings County marriage license was issued Nov. 7 for the 80-year-old Manson and Burton, who lives in Corcoran — the site of the prison — and maintains several websites advocating his innocence.

Burton, who goes by the name ‘‘Star,’’ said she and Manson will be married next month.

‘‘Y’all can know that it’s true,’’ she said. ‘‘It’s going to happen.’’

‘‘I love him,’’ she added. ‘‘I’m with him. There’s all kinds of things.’’

However, as a life prisoner with no parole date, Manson is not entitled to conjugal visits.

Burton said she is interested in working on his case and marrying him would allow her to get information not available to nonrelatives.

‘‘There’s certain things next of kin can do,’’ she said without elaborating.

Tate’s sister, Debra, who acts as a spokeswoman for the families of Manson’s victims, said the impending marriage is ‘‘ludicrous.’’

‘‘It’s insane,’’ she said. ‘‘What would any young woman in her right mind want with an 80-year-old man?’’

As for Manson’s motives, she said, ‘‘The devil is alive and well.’’

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“Do you, don’t you want me to love you….” – ‘Helter Skelter’, The Beatles

That is the question posed to one Charles Manson….and the unswer is a resounding YES.

Call me a romantic but I think it it is refreshing to see that Charlie has finally met the right girl. I’m sure his parents (rolling over in their burning graves for parents that raise mass murderers) are finally resting in peace knowing that their little Chuckie is settling down at the tender age of 80. Sure, they thought things were gonna work out with Squeaky Fromme and possibly even Sharon Tate, but, at last, one Afton Elaine Burton has tamed the serial killing, cult leading, epic psychopath and making an honest man out of him before he meets his maker (who, in all liklihood, is actually the Devil himself.

Let me get this straight here Ms Afton (is that your Christian name, by the way?), you were 17 years old living in Buttcrack, Missouri or Unhappy, Oklahoma and you decided to dedicate your life to defending America’s most notorious villain? Forget Mr. and Mrs. Manson, Mom and Dad Burton must be glowing with pride at the church picnic.

“Yeah, little Afton is off chasing her dreams.”

“College?”

“Nope.”

“Career”

“Not exactly. No, our baby girl left home to save Charles Manson!”

“Oh. More pie?”

What’s worse? Afton is a cutie! Kind of looks like a haunted and deranged Alanis Morrisette. The real life lesson here, gentlemen, is that it does not matter you are jobless, homeless, soul-less or even an old rampant, NAZI serial killer, there is a woman out there for you. Don’t give up.

I believe in love.

Can I Be Frank, Frank McCabe, Uncategorized

My dream of what happened to Bono’s luggage

Bloomberg – A private jet carrying Irish rock star Bono, the frontman of U2, had its baggage door shear off mid-flight during a trip between Dublin and Berlin.

The hatch and bags from the Bombardier Inc. (BBD/B) Learjet disappeared over German territory during the flight yesterday,Germany’s air accident investigation bureau said. The jet landed safely at Berlin’s Schoenefeld airport at 12.26 p.m.

“A door on the plane to the cargo hold became detached, and apparently two pieces of luggage fell out,” the bureau said. “Bono was on board. We are investigating the incident.”

The Learjet’s baggage compartment is located in a rear section that’s separate from the passenger compartment, said Paul Hayes, a safety expert at London-based Ascend. Since the hold isn’t pressurized, passengers would have been in no danger of being sucked out of the jet when the door opened, he said.

“It happens on average about once a year, somewhere in the world,” Hayes said of the luggage-door separation. “Normally it doesn’t produce any disaster.” Such mishaps generally occur when the locking mechanism isn’t properly engaged, he added.

Imagine you are Franz Von Haagendas. You have just lost your 3rd shitty factory job in a row. You are walking home to explain to your ugly, Hitler-disciple of a wife that already hates you. And now, you have to tell that Schlampe you have no more Francs for the rent because you blew the lot of it on Steins and Schnitzel. You are contemplating suicide and then all of a sudden…BOOM.

Not one, but two mysterious suit cases land at your feet. Like a gift from the heavens. You look to your left, then to your right. Not a Krout in sight, so let’s have a look inside, shall we?

Franz opens bag #1 to find…..good lord. 63 pairs of sunglasses, 46 varieties of Rosary Beeds, a few pairs of midget boots/”lifts” (you know, the kind that make you taller, right Mr. Hewsen?) and a 856 pictures of Bono, each autographed to himself with the phrase “I feckin love you, Paul! Your #1 fan, Bono”

Hmm….

On to Bag #2. My, my, my…yup, it’s a giant bag of cash. Enough to never work again. Enough to leave that old Bratworst with eyes. Enough to make it rain for the Kaiser as you piss on him in the middle of Oktoberfest. We’re talking SPRECHEN SIE DOUCHE money, B!

At least that is my dream for what possibly happened.

Nothing has gone right in Germany for Bono since the ’83 show when he took a FALL-ein,

Can I Be Frank, Frank McCabe, Uncategorized

Unlawful Entry: Physical 4.0

Annual physical tomorrow and, realizing I have hit that 40 year milestone in life, I am terrified that I may just have a date with ‘Dr. Jellyfinger’ for the very first time.

I can already hear those weak, smug, totally-not-consoling words of advice from ‘Doc McStuffins’ during my exam.

“Breathe easy?”
“Just relax?”
“It’s all your fault this is happening”
“Don’t tell anyone because no will believe you anyway…you slut”

Spare me, ‘Ben Dover’. It’s bad enough your office is behind a dumpster in downtown Lowell and now you are about to make me feel like I am the lone resident of Sanduskyville.

Do not utter the words ‘LOOK, NO HANDS’! during any part of the ‘invasion’. You got that, ‘Feelgood, MD.’?

Until tomorrow, ‘Rear Admiral’, you keep those mitts of yours clean, safe and gentle. (and, if at all possible, maybe you could shrink them down to, say, Carny size? Thanks!)

“Rectum? Nearly killed him!”