Author: elburkee978

Single gal who just turned 30; self-proclaimed "Cat-Lady". Full time Realtor. Part time daytime bartender at local watering hole. Some time blogger.
Burkie

Let’s Hear It For the Girl


Ah, May. ‘Tis the season for weddings, baby showers, and graduations. All of which I have attended these past few weeks. Cookouts, allergies, and gifts galore. As a single woman, this is really adding up. Before this sounds like a cliche ‘Sex in the City’ pity post, let me just say this; I’m up to my ears with getting everyone else a gift. I think it’s about time to celebrate the people who were smart enough in life to make the true intelligent life decisions.

-Degree? I don’t need no stinkin’ degree! I spent a year and a half “following my passions” of literature and journalism only to realize that I was spending 60 hours a week PAYING to read and write in order to achieve a piece of paper. Kudos to you kiddos who actually DID graduate, and have a goal in mind, but lets be honest. I would’ve spent $80k and still have ended up as a Realtor.  Why hasn’t anyone thrown me a drop-out of college party????

– Weddings. This is usually a quadruple expense. Engagement party. Bridal Shower. Bachelor/ette Party. Wedding gift. That’s 4 outfits, too! No one has ever spent that much time celebrating me! Now, regardless of the fact that I was 3 months away to getting hitched- No one ever said “THANK YOU for saving us from all these crazy expenses. And hey- pretty smart of you to realize you didn’t want a divorce in a year.”

– Baby Showers. The best part of baby showers these days is that they’re co-ed now. Now you jerk dudes get to see what we’ve been suffering through for all these years sitting through someone opening up gifts one by one and ogling at the doll clothes and toys that don’t even make sounds or light up. Thank God for gift registries or every kid that I had to go to a baby shower for would get a Barbie doll or Beanie baby. Who even knows what kids are into these days. I haven’t made any of my friends deal with the boredom that is a baby shower, and NO ONE thanks me for that. No one has ever said “Hey- smart move on not pro-creating. Here’s a box of wine.”

I almost feel like all of us single adults need to have our own annual Jack and Jill style party. “OMG Leah’s single and needs money to go to the casino this weekend!! Lets have a party and sell raffle tickets to make her some dough!! She kicked ass this year in work, and hasn’t dragged us to her kids 3rd birthday party or her 2nd wedding!”

But we all know the facts of life. We’ll never solve world hunger, and there’s no spotlight on single 30-something cat ladies. So for now I will just continue be the pleasant spectator with a slight buzz at all these events

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10 Reasons Why Bostonians are Dicks (and justified to be so)

So, as you may or may not have heard, depending what rock you’ve been under; New England, specifically the Boston area, has gotten annihilated by snow within the past 6 weeks. Not only has it been snowing every day, but we’ve been seeing temperatures of -20 degrees below zero with the biting winds. I don’t care who you are, if you aren’t here experiencing this atrocity, you should be heading to your local church and lighting candles for us. Bostonians as a group are already labeled as jerks, but you know what- we absolutely are justified. And here’s just a few reasons why:

  1. Snow: This one is a given. Everywhere else in the country it’s portrayed on christmas cards and stupid Pinterest sites as sparkling fairy dust. In reality, it is Satan’s dandruff that causes roofs to collapse and cars to be lodged into snowbanks. It’s heavy, cold, wet, and absolutely exhausting to shovel. The only group of people who like the snow are the plow drivers- these guys are making bank this year driving around 60hours a week all jacked up on their Red Bulls and Cumberland farm .99 coffees.
  2. Ice: Ever think you’re walking on normal pavement then take a dixie for no apparent reason? Please meet ice!! Ice is a dick that can be sneaky (black ice) or cause random water to appear inside your house with no leaking! Damn those Ice Dams. Ice is snow’s asshole cousin. I don’t know which I hate more. 
  3. Cold Weather: Want to go take your trash out? Better bundle up! Sweatshirt, hat, scarf, mittens, snow boots, insulated jacket, and a pair of long johns. You know that chill you feel in the supermarket when you walk through the frozen food aisle? That’s cute. How about any skin exposed for more than 2 minutes turns numb and hurts. Try getting into a car that’s been sitting outside overnight in negative zero temperature…. That thing is harder to turn on than a  never mind, not going there with that analogy.
  4. Frozen Pipes: You go to take your nice hot morning shower, and surprise! No water! Why? because your pipes may be frozen. As if that’s not fun enough, if you don’t slowly re-heat your pipes, they could burst, causing a frozen watery mess everywhere. Yay! 
  5. Iced Coffees: Every Bostonian’s dilemma. You need your Dunks iced coffee, but can’t hold it, even with your mittens on because it’s too.damn.cold. 
  6. Fashion: HA! Yea, we all look like bums. I dare you to wear a short skirt and stiletto’s in 3 feet of snow. Any of your nice leather coats or shoes not water treated? Kiss those goodbye in the snow. No super duper insulation in your jacket? You might as well be wearing a bikini, because I can assure you the wind will find a way to chill your bones reeeeealllll quick 
  7. Transportation: Our Subways have hardly functioned properly in two months. Our roads have no where else to put snow, and every road has become so narrow you have to hold your breath as each car passes to make sure you don’t have a nice collisions
  8. Cabin Fever: You have officially become a hermit. Netflix and your space heater are your best friends. Running out of booze to keep you warm becomes a life or death situation. You dream of beaches, humidity, mosquitoes, anything but the bleak tundra of snow outside your window and the newscaster telling you how inhumanly cold it is outside.
  9. Social Media: We all have those asshole friends who go on vacation or live in other states that like to be cute, post pics of the beach or the sun (Sun? what’s that?) with HILARIOUS captions such as “Wish you were here?” “Ugh, so hot next to the pool” etc etc etc. DON’T WANNA HEAR IT ANYMORE, PALS!
  10. MOST IMPORTANTLY: Everyone else is just as cold, just as miserable, and we hate everything. You say hello to the neighbor, they’ll tell you to F*ck off, but it’s cool. We get it. We Bostonians always persevere and will be back in a few short months to tell you why we hate summer.

 Dear Friends, Please keep us in your thoughts, and understand why we are the way we are 

Burkie

The Answer to “DeflateGate” Can Be Found in Your HS Science Book

I’m about to school all the haters calling the Pats cheaters. So get your spycams rolling and take this info down:

When gas particles in matter warm up, they travel faster, causing items such as say… a football…. to inflate more. Once those particles cool down, lets say a football is taken into cold New England weather, they slow down… causing the item to deflate.

Same basic theory why roads crack in winter….. and why your door jam may seem to swell in the summer.

So yea, haters gonna hate- but we’ll see you at the ‘ship 😀

Burkie

Am I Missing Something With These Protests??

Today's caption contest. Best response wins a D&C t-shirt.

 

http://www.lowellsun.com/breakingnews/ci_27325161/protesters-block-i-93-snarl-morning-commute-boston

This morning, 29 snot nosed little punks were arrested because they decided to wake up early, grab a dunkaccino, and go play in traffic. Literally. Like, what my mom used to tell me to do when I was being…. me. These kids decided to stop morning rush hour traffic by tying themselves together with plastic piping and laying in the middle of the 93 South in Medford, all in the name of police brutality,

Now, I’m all for freedom of opinion, I promise you, I really am.  But….. WTF. This is our generation’s hippies. No more burning bras or chanting around campus. We’re taking to the streets (highways, rather) for something that may be a HUGE issue elsewhere, but a case that I highly doubt these community college kids have ever dealt with. I’m not that old, mind you, but I know that if I was underage and drinking in the woods and a cop car pulled up…. if my @$$ wasn’t already halfway home it would be “yes sir” “no sir” or “I don’t know any of those crazy kids, I was the one that called” while talking to cops. Not, let me back talk to the cops and try to steal their gun. Pretty sure it takes little intelligence to realize that like your momma, they’re gonna slap you. But not that stinging open handed slap on the forehead with her ring hand, but with some damn cuffs.

But beyond that. Back to today’s playing in traffic escapade. As quoted from the Lowell Sun;

“The protest was intended ‘to confront white complacency in the systemic oppression of black people in Boston’ the Boston contingent of Black Lives Matter said in a statement.

‘Today, our nonviolent direct action is meant to expose the reality that Boston is a city where white commuters and students use the city and leave, while black and brown communities are targeted by police, exploited, and displaced,’ protester Katie Seitz said in a statement.”

I’m going to bet RIGHT NOW, and I’m not a betting (wo)man…. but I HIGHLY doubt that 100% of the commuters and students that were late today were white. So, basically what my homegirl Katie Seitz was quoted as saying was that only white people go to work and school and commute. REVERSE RACISM! I’m calling it now. These kids were the same ones who voted Obama, not because of his policies, but because he was the almighty “CHANGE”. (I’m not basing Obama right this second, I’m just saying the majority of his votes were first time voters who weren’t informed on politics)

So yes, congrats children of the highway, you got your wish- I’m talking about you and getting your word out. But…. I’m just going to stop right there and say good luck to you in your future endeavors. I can’t wait til your white protesting ass is pulled over for a traffic stop, and the cop sees your last arrest was for laying down on Interstate 93 because cops are bad.