Month: November 2015

Can I Be Frank, Frank McCabe

Put Me in the Bathroom

(Well, you can now add last night’s devastating Patriots loss to the Denver Broncos to the listing of Boston sporting events where I just should have been put in the bathroom instead of watching.  We would be 11-0 if I was sitting on the throne instead of my couch.

A little throwback blog from a couple years back since any creative thought is not entering this post-Thanksgiving depressed head case.)

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May 2013

Can I Be Frank?: Put Me in the Bathroom

Another one for the ages in the world of Boston sports.  The Boston Bruins overcame a deficit that seemed conceivably impossible last night.  Trailing 4-1 with ten minutes to go in series clinching Game 7  on their home ice at TD Garden in the first round of the NHL Stanley Cup playoffs, many fans and believers, (including yours truly) was ready to throw the towel and “see ya next year.”  But this was not the case.  In magnificent fashion, the Bs turned this lopsided lead around, scoring three goals (two in the final 90 seconds of the game) forcing sudden death overtime which ultimately resulted in the winning the game 5-4 and taking them to the Eastern Conference Semifinals against the New York Rangers.

WOO HOO!  YESSAH!  LET’S GO BRUINS!

Well, the win was bittersweet for me, to say the least.  I have a confession to make and I truly hate to admit this but I shut it off literally seconds before the true excitement began.  With just under three minutes remaining in the game and the Bruins still trailing 4-2 I gave the proverbial ‘it’s over’, changed the station, rolled over and went to sleep.

Way to go Super Fan.  Way to go.  Aces.

I woke at about 3:00AM and decided to get a drink of water.  Made the critical mistake of taking a peak at the iPhone.  Quick check of email, texts and Twitter.  In my one-eye-open state of mind, I started to catch comments about a Bruins WIN??!!  What???  HUH? No friggin way!  I read on….

Texts from friends reading…”Greatest win in history”

Tweets from all walks of life…”#Bruins make historic comeback”

I won’t even throw out all of the frantic Facebook fodder.

And I missed it.  I missed it…again.

I’ll get to that in a second.

Mob movie classic ‘A Bronx Tale’ has a memorable scene where all of the gangsters are in a crowded back room gambling; specifically playing craps.  As the lead Mafioso, Sonny LoSpecchio, continues his hot streak he fears some of his observers could deliver some bad luck.  What does the Boss do?  Instructs that these so-called “jinxes” be ‘put in the bathroom’ while that dice is rolled.

Great movie scene that I recalled as I watched the incredible highlights of the game I purposely tuned out for lack of belief.  And then it became clear; I should be put in the bathroom too.  Put in the bathroom during all critical Boston sporting events.  I really should.

Not only was this evidenced in last night’s miraculous Bruins win, but it happened years back in, perhaps, an even more memorable Beantown moment.

Sunday, October 17, 2004.

Our beloved Boston Red Sox versus century old rival the New York Yankees.  Game 4.  Sox trail in the American League Championship Series 3 games to 0.  Facing probable elimination to their hated arch nemesis late in the game, I decided to do the same thing I did last night.  Quit.

“Bleeping, bleeping Sox.  Sick of this shit.  Breaking my heart again.  Not doing it.  Aaron Boone did it last year.  Not doing this again.  I’m not.  Not a chance,” my inner monologue screamed as I shut off the TV.

See ya next year.

And of course we call know what happened next.  Dave Roberts steals second base (perhaps the greatest steal in Red Sox history).  Bill Mueller singles Roberts in to tie the game 3-3 and it to extra innings.  David Ortiz hits a 2-run home runs in the bottom of the 12th inning leading the Sox to a victory.  All while I was watching the back of my eyelids and history wasbeing made.  This amazing win clearly shifted the momentum to the Sox that would ultimately carry them through not only the ALCS, but later to their first World Series title in 86 years when they uneventfully defeated the St. Louis Cardinals in just four games.

I should be put in the bathroom.

Amazingly, I never seem to ever miss a play, pitch, shot, hit or hoop when our team is defeated.  (READ: Superbowls XX, XXXI, XLII, & XLVI)  Never.  Ever.

But fear not Bostonians, this ‘jinx’ has made a conscience decision to CONTINUE to make this mistake again when the opportunity presents itself; only this time on purpose.  If I find the Bruins/Sox/Celts/Patriots in a dire situation that seems impossible to overcome I will do the right thing, quit on the team and head for the restroom.  For if I do so, I can guarantee victory.

So, best of luck Boston Bruins in round 2 and beyond.

If you need me, you will know where I will be.

Knock first.

 

 

 

 

 

Pistoffirishman

Two and a Half Years til AIDS

The man, the myth, the legend has come down with “the BUG”. Let’s put this news into perspective. Who didn’t think Charlie Sheen had HIV? I mean, of course he did! He has had more hookers then I have had Miller Lites, and last time I checked that’s a shit load. You don’t think one of those wonderful ladies of the night may have been carrying a ‘little friend’ with her?  Let’s not act like this guy has any trouble fitting his angel wings through the door. Little Chuckie has been living life like Motley Crüe since Platoon was at Route 3 cinema. I have, on good authority, confirmed that all of the following statements were said by Charlie Sheen since he found out he has HIV

  •   Listen babe, Charlie Sheen has HIV, I’m Carlos Estevez
  •   I told Cosby that chick looked skanky
  •   With HIV, PTSD, ADD and SARS I would like to solve the puzzle, Pat
  •   I probably got it from fucking Dorns wife
  •   When Magic asks you to be blood brothers you do it!!!
  •   My mom always said that the 7,000th hooker would be trouble
  •   Rickey Vaughn put the AIDS in ‘Rolaids relief pitcher’
  •   The guy at the petting zoo told me that donkey was clean
  •    Jesus, Doc, you scared me.  It’s only HIV.  Phew!  I thought it was something serious like crabs
  •   This is God getting back at me for Major League 2
  •   A little Robitussin, a shit load of cocaine and I’ll be back in business

  •    I think I won STD Bingo
  •    I talked to Michael J. and our new crime fighting show “Shakey and the BUG  Save New York” will be HUGE
  •   I’m rich, man, it’s cool
  •  I’m still WINNING

You will be fine Charlie. Just keep your head up and remember this old Irish proverb my Grandmother used to tell me…

“Blowing cocaine and banging hookers all day long will eventually ruin your #1 sitcom, make people forget Wall Street and Platoon and give you AIDS.”

That lady sure had lot of wisdom.

 

Uncategorized

Time with my Dad…

For those of you (dare I suggest dozens?) that have read my “stuff” in the past know you are usually in for a sarcastic, self-deprecating voyage into the silliness that crosses my mind from time to time.  Life is too damn short not to have fun, right?  So, with that said, I just wanted to comment on a subject just slightly more serious.

My wife and I had the rare pleasure of getting away for a night this past weekend.  Our three kids were safe and happy spending a night with my in-laws and we were able to enjoy a family wedding; just the 2 of us and my side of the family.

The wedding was great.  My much younger cousin married a great girl (first time I met her, but I think my instincts are correct) and we had a ball.

In addition to enjoying the great company of my large family of aunts, uncles and cousins, I got to spend some time with my parents.  Specifically, I got a solid hour of one on one time with my Dad.  That afternoon we had lunch together but shortly thereafter my wife and Mom took off to do a little shopping and it was just me and the most senior of the Franks left to hang out.  Just us.

We bellied up to an almost 200 year old quaint bar in rural Western Massachusetts and just sat, relaxed and had a drink together  No stress.  No distractions.  No “real” life to discuss.  We just talked.  Talked life.  Talked about anything.  And it was awesome.

I make no secrets that my Dad is as much my best friend as he is my father.  For those of you that know him; you know why.  He is fun, funny, interesting and certainly opinionated.  He loves to enjoy life and he really loves to do that most with his family surrounding him.  As his only son, I get inside access to his wit and banter on a regular basis.

We discussed life, politics, humor, the menu we are serving for Thanksgiving….and anything else that crossed our minds.  No filters.  No judgments.  Just the guy that taught me everything and I; pontificating on how we would run the world.  Pretty awesome stuff and, like the rest of you, its hard to find the quality time to do such.

Big Frank is the man.  Big Frank takes care of everything… for everyone… and is glad to do so.  He shoulders the burden of 10 people and the definition of what a real man should be.  I am proud of him.  I love him.  I hope you are all as lucky as me to have an influence like that in your lives.

Don’t let the time pass you by without having chats with people in your life like Big Frank.  You’ll regret it.

Thanks, Dad…

P.S.  He is also slightly batshit crazy, but hey….can’t pick your family.

 

 

Can I Be Frank, Frank McCabe, Uncategorized

Un-AUTO-motivated: What Really Grinds MY Gears

In a recent remote control location dilemma I found myself in a predicament.

I could…..

A) get off couch and search for said missing “clicka” or

B) simply stay comfortable and ride out whatever was on that particular channel until I can trap one of my kids to find the aforementioned remote.

I chose B but I think I regret that decision.  As it turns out, the station had somehow landed on one of those DIY-go-getter-hands-on-lets-fix-things-for-shits-and-giggle stations. (I am actually surprised that I know that ‘DIY’ stands for “Do It Yourself”, as should you).  Do it myself, huh?  How bout you FUCK yourself instead, how about that?  OK, sorry.

Specifically, what grinds my gears is the programming of those car repair/auction-your-stupid-Trans-AM shows.  I don’t even know what they call it?  All I know was there were 2 rugged-looking dudes talking way too enthusiastically about carburetors, engines, motors and other shit that apparently make my wheels go move forward and backward and that kind of…stuff.

After a total of 36 seconds of viewing I was not only bored and completely confused but I was confident I had found the ‘Ambien network’.

How the holy hell do people find this crap interesting; let alone entertaining?  How?

Look, it has been well documented that I am not a manly man.  No need to flog that fallen horse, but the fact remains, how do people get in to this type of “hobby”?  I find it baffling to say the least.

Now, let me put on the back-up alarm (is that close enough to industry jargon for you, Fonzie?) before Bo and Luke Duke jump out from behind the General Lee and put an ass whooping on me about the virtues of Quaker State versus Prestone let me say, ‘being a mechanic is a skill and a talent and if you are gifted enough to actually turn that into a paycheck, carry on.’   Ok?  Happy?  Great, now screw.  The problem is clearly the by-pass line anyway.

This is the part where I should be saying ‘Hey, to each his own’.  If it makes you happy, Sheryl Crowe, it cant be that bad, right?  Wrong. Wrong.

In my humble, can’t-change-a-light-bulb-ass opinion, this stuff is just too bizarre.  How do you really get enjoyment out of getting grease and oil on you?  Crammed in to a tiny, confined space on your back (which can actually be fun in Tijuana)?  Odors, fumes and hot objects?  YUCK, I say.  Thanks anyway, but I am good.

At least when I sit back and enjoy the cooking channel(s), I come out of it with a kick ass recipe for some ribs or a delicious Gelato (Thank you, Giada!).  Travel channel, you ask?  Well, I am now well informed about where to grab a taco in Tacoma or places to contract Malaria in Malaysia?  That’s always useful information.

But, the motorhead stuff?  Why?  Why watch?  Unless you have a career in the automotive arts or plan on settling down in the pits of Talladega, why is this beneficial enough to put on television?  Cars issues seem basic to me.  You run out of gas?  Fill ‘er up!  Oil is low?  Put more in!  Tires are slashed?  Blame that odd cashier kid that’s always staring at you when show up in his line at the liquor store…in the AM hours…on a Tuesday.  Simple enough to me people, isn’t it?

Now, to any mechanics reading this that may need to assist with my vehicular needs in the future, don’t try any bullshit on me about the ‘Johnson Rod’.  I may know jack dick about cars, but don’t try to out-Seinfeld me, Puddy.