The Root of All Beer is Evil

beers-yearround

Description: Ale with the Taste of Spices
ABV: 5.9%
Profile: Bold, Sweet, Smooth, Spicy
Serving Temperature: 38°-50°F
Availability: Year Round
Package: 12oz Bottle, 6 Pack
Not Your Fathers Root Beer – 12 oz bottle

Tasting Notes: Silky, smooth and satisfying finish is unmatched in flavor. It appeals to craft beer aficionados as well as those who don’t typically drink beer but crave something unique.

Because of the overwhelming response to Not Your Fathers Root Beer, we have had thousands of requests from all over the country for this product in a package format. We’ve worked relentlessly with experts that make up over 80 years of brewing experience for almost two years to figure out how to increase production to meet demand while keeping the cost to consumers reasonable.

At long last…it’s here.

Welcome to Summer 2015, people.  And let me, hopefully, be the first to introduce you to, what I believe, will be the ‘What-the-hell-happened-last-night-where-are-my-pants-is-that-a-Mongoose-in-bed-with-me?‘ beverage of choice for the warm weather season.

Say hello to Not Your Father’s Root Beer brewed by Small Town Brewery.  And unless your father was Will “He used to just put a belt, a stick, and a wrench on the table. Just say, “Choose.” Hunting’s Dad, then this is truth in advertising.  No God-fearing paternal figure would bestow this evil on to the world – let alone his children.  NYFRB is like something scientists wish they could  un-invent like the VX Gas that nearly destroyed San Francisco in The Rock.

I realize this product has been on the market for a while, but I was just exposed to it last week and decided to share the Lord’s good word with my fellow cohorts who also follow the credo of ‘I’ll drink anything.’ (NYFRB has already take my fellow blogger @pistoffirishman by storm.  He is in the fetal position over at the Methadone Clinic as I type this trying to figure out how his weekend vanished?)

Read the description above.

“Silky

“Smooth”

“Satisfying”

It’s very refreshing shouted Kosmo Kramer!

And truth be told, these bad boys are absolutely dee-lish-usssss!  That said, did you catch the alcohol content?  5.9%!  A bit aggressive for something that tastes EXACTLY like a MUG Root Beer, wouldn’t you agree?  For your non-beer drinkers that’s double the booze of what your average Bud/Miller Lite/Coors Light are throwing at you.  Oh and did I mention how freakin delicious they are?  Even for the professional brew drowners, there is a taste that comes with beer that reminds you that it is not Yoo Hoo or Gatorade and should be drank responsibly.  Point being is that unless you are at a fraternity (by the way wouldn’t the best douchy fraternity name  be ‘Chips Ahoy’?  As in, ‘Greetings, my name is Malcolm “Chips” Ahoy the 5th.  Polo anyone?) flip cup tournament, the occasions where you chug beers is few and far between.  Not the case with NYFRB.  I would equate the experience to a kid tasting cocaine suger for the first time.  In the immortal words of Will Ferrell in Old School, “Once it hits your lips, it’s so good!

So, this is a fair warning for all the guys and gals with the innocent summer intention of ‘bringing something new to the 4th of July barbecue’.  What you are actually doing is inviting the Devil over to steal your pants and deliver that Mongoose.

You heard it here….

Any way you look at it…. These guys really do Suck

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   So after this abortion of a winter all you really want to do is play a little golf, cook on the grill and watch the sox have a good season. Well, you can cancel that third option. I kept telling myself “you know its still early” “these guys can’t be that bad” “Once the cocaine and HGH shows up they will be fine” and yet nothing. I don’t know why we even thought they would be any good in the first place. We always preach -Defense and pitching wins championships. So what does the scarecrow of an owner do? Tells his people to buy the fat asian 3rd baseman, and anyone at Canobie Lake Park that hits 82mph on the fast pitch game.

     The manager is terrible, the GM has Luccinos hand up his ass like a sock puppet, and ownership is trying to sell this team to us as hard as a Duggar kid going through puberty at a family reunion. Come clean you bunch of jack wagons and admit that its over. Its that time where we as a fan base have to have a intervention and tell the owners. Guys….Papi is all done, Hanley needs a new set of needles, Panda put the sandwich down..and the other one (as skittles fall out of his pocket), Pitching staff you all need to take a lap around Blue Hill Ave at midnight. So what should we do now that we have come to this epiphany that the season is over on June 5th.

– Drink some alcoholic root beer and play re-leav-eo like your 9yr olds (no guarding ghouls dick)

– Go up to Happy Hampton Beach and count teeth

– Play MFK with Caitlynn Jenner, Lois Einhorn, or a male Flourist

-Try to grill without a beer in your hand (impossible)

-Hit up Johnny Sabaego and do some jet skiing

-Go see the Entourage Movie and then walk in front of a bus

-Supe up the honda pilot with a nice spoiler and show it off at car wash on Friday nights

-Return all the Heineken bottles after the Asian water festival and by a house in the Hamptons

-Actually buy a ticket to an actual gun show

-Go to Browns for breakfast, lunch and dinner

-Boxhockey, CanJam, Polish Horseshoes, or Irish Horseshoes (just sit, drink and curse the pope)

    So those are my summer plans since baseball is out already. It could always be worse, we could live in Cleveland.

FACT: Naked Cycling without a boner is really just weird exercise.

Naked Cycling

Mirror UK– Police were forced to intervene in a naked cycling event – after reports one of the riders got ‘overexcited’.

The ‘aroused’ cyclist was pulled aside and put his jeans back on before being spoken to by officers.

Organisers of the World Naked Bike Ride (WNBR) said the rider was removed before the ride started in Canterbury, Kent, on Saturday.

The naked rides, which take place in cities and towns around the world, are organised to highlight the dangers cyclists face from cars.

Participants are permitted to cycle naked but must adhere to strict rules.

One witness said: “Everyone was taking their clothes off to get ready for the ride. I heard gasps and I turned around – it was a horrible sight.

“It’s fair to say he was overexcited and got aroused. It looked like he was enjoying the event a bit too much.

“One of the organisers went over to him and told him to put his trousers on while speaking on a walkie-talkie to police.

“The man looked sheepish when he was spoken to by the police.”

No boners?!?!  Fuck that noise.  Per the USNCAA, the governing body of naked cycling and archery, all riders must be sporting a minimum 35 degree semi at all times to participate in naked cycling.  Rules are rules, fellas. The world of naked cycling does not need any cowboys with their Stalin-esque “no boner” policies, it simply grades against the spirit of the sport…which everyone knows is the purest form of the sport of cycling.  You ever see Lance Armstrong competing in Naked Cycling?  That’s because the entire world, and Sheryl Crow, knows it is chemically impossible for Lance to cross the finish line with a credibly taught victory flag flying. No doping.  Pure unadulterated Integrity!  That’s what naked cycling is about.  And also gross bodies.  Integrity and gross bodies! Boners aren’t just welcome, they’re mandatory.