Can I Be Frank – Page 9 – Can I Be Frank & Crew?

Can I Be Frank, Frank McCabe, Uncategorized

Finally the right girl for Charlie Manson

CORCORAN, Calif. — Mass murderer Charles Manson plans to marry a 26-year-old woman who left her Midwestern home and spent the past nine years trying to help exonerate him.

Afton Elaine Burton said she loves the man convicted in the notorious murders of seven people, including pregnant actress Sharon Tate.

No date has been set, but a wedding coordinator has been assigned by the prison to handle the ceremony, and the couple has until early February to get married before they would have to reapply.

The Kings County marriage license was issued Nov. 7 for the 80-year-old Manson and Burton, who lives in Corcoran — the site of the prison — and maintains several websites advocating his innocence.

Burton, who goes by the name ‘‘Star,’’ said she and Manson will be married next month.

‘‘Y’all can know that it’s true,’’ she said. ‘‘It’s going to happen.’’

‘‘I love him,’’ she added. ‘‘I’m with him. There’s all kinds of things.’’

However, as a life prisoner with no parole date, Manson is not entitled to conjugal visits.

Burton said she is interested in working on his case and marrying him would allow her to get information not available to nonrelatives.

‘‘There’s certain things next of kin can do,’’ she said without elaborating.

Tate’s sister, Debra, who acts as a spokeswoman for the families of Manson’s victims, said the impending marriage is ‘‘ludicrous.’’

‘‘It’s insane,’’ she said. ‘‘What would any young woman in her right mind want with an 80-year-old man?’’

As for Manson’s motives, she said, ‘‘The devil is alive and well.’’

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“Do you, don’t you want me to love you….” – ‘Helter Skelter’, The Beatles

That is the question posed to one Charles Manson….and the unswer is a resounding YES.

Call me a romantic but I think it it is refreshing to see that Charlie has finally met the right girl. I’m sure his parents (rolling over in their burning graves for parents that raise mass murderers) are finally resting in peace knowing that their little Chuckie is settling down at the tender age of 80. Sure, they thought things were gonna work out with Squeaky Fromme and possibly even Sharon Tate, but, at last, one Afton Elaine Burton has tamed the serial killing, cult leading, epic psychopath and making an honest man out of him before he meets his maker (who, in all liklihood, is actually the Devil himself.

Let me get this straight here Ms Afton (is that your Christian name, by the way?), you were 17 years old living in Buttcrack, Missouri or Unhappy, Oklahoma and you decided to dedicate your life to defending America’s most notorious villain? Forget Mr. and Mrs. Manson, Mom and Dad Burton must be glowing with pride at the church picnic.

“Yeah, little Afton is off chasing her dreams.”

“College?”

“Nope.”

“Career”

“Not exactly. No, our baby girl left home to save Charles Manson!”

“Oh. More pie?”

What’s worse? Afton is a cutie! Kind of looks like a haunted and deranged Alanis Morrisette. The real life lesson here, gentlemen, is that it does not matter you are jobless, homeless, soul-less or even an old rampant, NAZI serial killer, there is a woman out there for you. Don’t give up.

I believe in love.

Can I Be Frank, Frank McCabe, Uncategorized

My dream of what happened to Bono’s luggage

Bloomberg – A private jet carrying Irish rock star Bono, the frontman of U2, had its baggage door shear off mid-flight during a trip between Dublin and Berlin.

The hatch and bags from the Bombardier Inc. (BBD/B) Learjet disappeared over German territory during the flight yesterday,Germany’s air accident investigation bureau said. The jet landed safely at Berlin’s Schoenefeld airport at 12.26 p.m.

“A door on the plane to the cargo hold became detached, and apparently two pieces of luggage fell out,” the bureau said. “Bono was on board. We are investigating the incident.”

The Learjet’s baggage compartment is located in a rear section that’s separate from the passenger compartment, said Paul Hayes, a safety expert at London-based Ascend. Since the hold isn’t pressurized, passengers would have been in no danger of being sucked out of the jet when the door opened, he said.

“It happens on average about once a year, somewhere in the world,” Hayes said of the luggage-door separation. “Normally it doesn’t produce any disaster.” Such mishaps generally occur when the locking mechanism isn’t properly engaged, he added.

Imagine you are Franz Von Haagendas. You have just lost your 3rd shitty factory job in a row. You are walking home to explain to your ugly, Hitler-disciple of a wife that already hates you. And now, you have to tell that Schlampe you have no more Francs for the rent because you blew the lot of it on Steins and Schnitzel. You are contemplating suicide and then all of a sudden…BOOM.

Not one, but two mysterious suit cases land at your feet. Like a gift from the heavens. You look to your left, then to your right. Not a Krout in sight, so let’s have a look inside, shall we?

Franz opens bag #1 to find…..good lord. 63 pairs of sunglasses, 46 varieties of Rosary Beeds, a few pairs of midget boots/”lifts” (you know, the kind that make you taller, right Mr. Hewsen?) and a 856 pictures of Bono, each autographed to himself with the phrase “I feckin love you, Paul! Your #1 fan, Bono”

Hmm….

On to Bag #2. My, my, my…yup, it’s a giant bag of cash. Enough to never work again. Enough to leave that old Bratworst with eyes. Enough to make it rain for the Kaiser as you piss on him in the middle of Oktoberfest. We’re talking SPRECHEN SIE DOUCHE money, B!

At least that is my dream for what possibly happened.

Nothing has gone right in Germany for Bono since the ’83 show when he took a FALL-ein,

Can I Be Frank, Frank McCabe, Uncategorized

Unlawful Entry: Physical 4.0

Annual physical tomorrow and, realizing I have hit that 40 year milestone in life, I am terrified that I may just have a date with ‘Dr. Jellyfinger’ for the very first time.

I can already hear those weak, smug, totally-not-consoling words of advice from ‘Doc McStuffins’ during my exam.

“Breathe easy?”
“Just relax?”
“It’s all your fault this is happening”
“Don’t tell anyone because no will believe you anyway…you slut”

Spare me, ‘Ben Dover’. It’s bad enough your office is behind a dumpster in downtown Lowell and now you are about to make me feel like I am the lone resident of Sanduskyville.

Do not utter the words ‘LOOK, NO HANDS’! during any part of the ‘invasion’. You got that, ‘Feelgood, MD.’?

Until tomorrow, ‘Rear Admiral’, you keep those mitts of yours clean, safe and gentle. (and, if at all possible, maybe you could shrink them down to, say, Carny size? Thanks!)

“Rectum? Nearly killed him!”

Can I Be Frank, Frank McCabe, Uncategorized

“BREAKING: Baker Goes on Cocaine-Fueled Hooker Binge”

(A little late on this post, but….)

Yes, that was the headline Martha/Marsha C(h)oakley was hoping to awaken and see in yesterday morning’s Boston Globe. But that didn’t happen. Our newly elected Gov accepted victory with grace and respect for his opponent. Personally, I would have rubbed it in her face with a litany of cheesy ‘Baker’ one liners! (insert double-barrel air guns and/or middle finger bombs to each of these phrases as well)

‘Martha, you just got Baked!”

“Wake and Bake(r), Martha…the party is over!”

“The Loser, The Faker, and the new Gov Baker!”

And of course….”Be sure toShake it before you Baker it!

Martie, you should have taken your lumps like man.

To quote Imagine Dragons, ‘welcome to the new age’, MC! Be sure to keep the want ads (and some Pepto) at close range.

Can I Be Frank, Frank McCabe

Shaving Grace Period

It’s that time of year again. That spooky, scary, eery time of year. That time people try to look like someone else. Nope, I don’t mean Halloween; it’s No Shave November.

Per their website, http://www.no-shave.org…

The goal of No-Shave November is to grow awareness by embracing our hair, which many cancer patients lose, and letting it grow wild and free. Donate the money you usually spend on shaving and grooming for a month to educate about cancer prevention, save lives, and aid those fighting the battle.

With the precursor of “it’s for a good cause” the next month I, and many other self-proclaimed men, will attempt to prove they have testosterone to all the world.

What I realized is so few people can pull off the growth. Facial hair grows like a vile weed – patchy, multi-colored, multi-lengths. It quite weird.

My scruff looks like the color of rainbow – brown, red, gray, black. You name it. My face is the United Nations of shitty beards.

Now, If you are a real man (and slightly whacko) you rock the full on mustache for the month. This takes guts. I would contend that only like 8 men in the whole world can pull off a mustache without appearing creepy or simply batshit crazy. My fellow CIBF blogger @therealdantobin attempted and failed in 2013. I would say if his goal was to lure small children in to his Prius, then mission accomplished my good man.

I rolled with the ‘stache for a few short days toward the end of last November and received looks bordering on accusatory. I was randomly shouting at gawking strangers “It’s for cancer, OK, dude!”

(NOTE TO SELF: having a pedophile-like mustache and yelping about cancer in public does not validate anything about your character. You’re making it worse.)

So, be a man. Don’t shave for the next 30 days. If you want to be an official participant in the cause, go to the No Shave website, search for “Beard Science” and join our team!

You might just look this cool in the end….