Patriot Kool-Aid

So, I had a very fortunate and unexpected privilege of having dinner with former New England Patriot, Jarvis Green (he’s the one on the left next to the Law firm of Whitey, Whitey, Whitey, Patel and Honkey)

If you are not an avid Pats fan(loser), I’ll remind you. He was on this team for 9 years – and the really good years. AFC Championships, Superbowls and the like. He rolled with Belicheck, Brady, Bruschi and the whole lot of winners. Jarvis was a part of, arguably, the greatest NFL team(s) in history. If you click on the link above you will see that he had a admirable statistics and played a critical role in our favorite home town team’s success. But, enough of this fan boy’s blow job.

I spent the lion’s share of last night holding my tongue and trying to play it cool as if I did not give a shit about the Patriots and the rare opportunity to get the inside scoop. Fast forward 2 Moscow Mules and 2 Cabernets and I said, fuck it. I am asking. I am gonna make this giant prick uncomfortable. I am doing some investigative/drunken/nosey reporting. And, unfortunately, I hate to report what I got hit back with….
QUESTION: OK, Jarvis, what’s Tom Brady really like?

ANSWER: Really good dude, man. (laughing) Except for a being a little loud. Great guy. Leader.

FIne, I’ll trap him now…

QUESTION: Thats cool…but how bout Belicheck?

ANSWER: Ah, Bill. He’s the man. Quiet, calm. Except that he never talked to me – or any other rookie – when you get up there, guy is awesome. I played for Nick Saban and Bil Belicheck. Both are winners. Both were always good to me.

Shit, Jarvis. I am looking for some violence or , at the very least, pedophilia.

QUESTION: OK, fine. How about Tedy Bruschi?

ANSWER: Absolute bad ass. He used to punch players in the face if they werent doing their job. Right under the face mask. Guys would be bleeding. He didn’t give a shit. Absolute badass.

Damn. Nothing. The good – and uninteresting – news is that the New England Patriots are apparently exactly what you, me and the wall all believe; a complete and total family unit. They work as hard as we expect. They care for one another. Most impressively (to this guy anyway) is they keep their shit in their house. It became quite clear to me (even through the mild buzz) that Mr. Green was not placating me. He repeated phrases like, ‘We were a team, man”, “We knew what we were doing”. I wanted more. I wanted him to say that Bill Belicheck likes to dance to show tunes in a garder belt. Tedy Bruschi wears lipstick after a big win. Tom Brady uses rogaine. Anything! Give me something that I can share with my 11 readers. Anything!? Nope. Jarvis just confirmed exactly what we all want to believe: The Patriots are that good. They are that cool. They are that united. It is awesome.

Bring that shit to tomorrow’s game, fellas.

Thanks, Jarvis – I wont tell anyone about beating you at arm wrestling. (and by arm wrestling I mean the race to get white girl wasted)

Can I Be Frank, Frank McCabe, Uncategorized

Rocky 7: The Rocky Road to Dementia

Rocky 7? Really? Say it isn’t so!

What once was considered one of the greatest stories of sport and spirit has truly (well, for the 3rd or 4th time actually) spit in its own aging face. Now, without having read or viewed anything except this nebulous trailer, I can only assume that Rocky only plays the role of manager/trainer in this film to some young spawn that wants to enter the fight game (appears to be of the Apollo Creed lineage).

I really don’t want to know the sure-to-be pathetic plot. Rather I want to imagine this next installment in the storied series with Rocky, circa age 70, actually entering the ring to do battle. More so, I would like to see the Southpaw battle the demons of growing old.

Rocky with early onset Alzheimer’s…

Picture the Champ running up those infamous City of Brotherly Love stairs wearing only his ugly wool cap, taped up hands and his championship belt. I imagine all those kids would be running in the opposite direction as Philadelphia’s finest receive the call over the radio, “We have a naked and confused old man running toward City Hall. Please proceed with caution.”

Rocky with a prostate issue…

Round 1. Ding ding.

“As the Medicaid-elible former champion makes his way to the center of the ring, he is met by a challenger 50 years his junior. A stiff jab to Rocky’s face followed by a left hook to the body and, oh my goodness, Stu, what has happened?”

“It appears as if Rocky has lost control of his bodily functions and urinated all over the ring. 127 year old referee Lou Phillipo is going to have to stop this one before somebody slips in this tremendous puddle of Italian piss.”

Rocky with Type 1 diabetes…

149 year old Trainer Mickey Goldmill has miraculously risen from the dead (why not, right?) after being murdered more than 30 years ago by Mr. T. He is back in the Tough Gym training the aging Italian Stallion. A rigorous session ensues when the Champ faces the ultimate adversity; keep training or get his insulin. His no-quit attitude, and incredibly low IQ, inspire Rocky to fight through the pain and delusions. After a grueling 6 minutes of the workout, Balboa hits the canvass and sends longtime gym gofer, Mike, to get his medicine from his locker. A newly-alive Mickey reminds Rock that he gave his locker away to contender, Dipper, since Rocky is a no good lousy bum. Rocky goes in to diabetic shock and enters the hospital in a coma. In an ironic twist, he is assigned to the same room where Adrian delivered that ~~monkey~~ baby 40 years before.

Rocky with osteoporosis…

Rocky has lost everything. His beloved trainer, wife and son. He has lost his money, his wits, his cognition. Yeah, like I said, everything. Everything EXCEPT his will to box. In a truly unimaginable scenario, he is challenged by the heavy weight world champion. Rocky decides resting his old bones (wait for it) is the best training strategy and forgoes the gym. Come fight day, he laces up the gloves, dusts off those red, white and blue Larry Bird -esque boxing trunks and slaps on (the now defunct business) Shamrock Meats robe.

Enters the ring full of confidence to do battle with the new champ. The bells sounds and Rocky charges the across the ring. Throws a right jab – breaks his hand. Throws the famous left hook – breaks the other hand. In a sad and pathetic twist, Rocky tries to the kick his opponent and breaks his leg. The fight is stopped and they put Rocky out of his misery like any true stallion; by a gunshot to the head in the middle of Madison Square Garden (strangely they asked Father Carmine to do the honors)

Now, those are some story lines I could get on board with. Otherwise, I am afraid I will continue to consider Clubber Lang your “final” fight, Rock….and simply look the other way.

Can I Be Frank, Frank McCabe, Uncategorized

Screech, Stabbing and the Saved By the Bell Police Lineup

The actor best known for playing the character Screech in the ’90s sitcom “Saved by the Bell” was arrested Thursday on charges that he stabbed a man with a knife during a fight at a Wisconsin bar, police said.

Dustin Diamond, 37, appeared in court Friday on a charge of second-degree recklessly endangering safety, a felony, as well as misdemeanor charges of carrying a concealed weapon and disorderly conduct, and a judge set his bail at $10,000, according to court records.

Police said Diamond stabbed a man during an altercation at the Grand Avenue Saloon in Port Washington at around 11:15 p.m., and then he and his fiancée fled in a white sport-utility vehicle. Diamond and his fiancée, Amanda Schutz, were taken into custody a short time later, and police said they found a folding knife with a 3.75-inch blade inside the vehicle with what appeared to be blood on it.

The victim suffered a stab wound to his right armpit, but police said the wound was not life threatening and he was recovering at home Friday.

When police caught up to the SUV, Diamond initially told the officer he had a “pen” in his hand but later admitted it was a knife, according to the criminal complaint. Diamond, who lives in Port Washington, told the officer he accidentally stabbed the man while trying to protect Schutz during a heated confrontation at the bar, according to the complaint. Other witnesses told police the fight broke out after Diamond’s fiancée got upset over people taking pictures, the complaint said.

Diamond’s agent, Roger Paul, declined to comment. A person who picked up the phone at the Grand Avenue Saloon said Diamond is not a regular at the bar. Schutz, 27, was charged with disorderly conduct.

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Apparently in the foggy haze of egg nog and family drama, my Crew and I missed perhaps the greatest news event that has happened during this blessed Christmas season; Screech went out and stabbed a Mo Fo! I mean, I get it, any member of the Saved by the Bell cast has every right to go on a killing spree for their lackluster success since the show discontinued nearly two decades ago, but I never saw Screech as the assailant.

If we were playing CLUE, Screech would not be the guy I found in the library (Wisconsin ‘saloon’) with the Candle Stick (3.75-inch knife!) wrecking house…or would I?

Let’s place the gang from Bayside HS in a police lineup and grade them…. (an A being highest likelihood to stab someone in a midwest bar and F being the least likely)

Zach Morris

Outside of like 10 quasi-shitty episodes of NYPD Blue, Mark Paul (never trust a guy with 2 first names) Gosseler has done nothing with his career. You would think that handsome bastard could have at least transitioned to a B-rate star making Skinemax ‘Lornos’ (light + porno= lorno). I can easily see him stabbing dudes in bars after hitting on and picking up their girlfriends…. after buying some $1.00 Mens Room cologne….with a stolen debit card.

GRADE: C

AC Slater

Mario Lopez has actually (vomit surfacing in my throat) achieved the most success of these 90s phenoms. Like it or not, AC’s mug is on TV almost every day dishing on all the gossip on Access Hollywood or E or the Who Gives Shit network. He has also slain some serious tail over the years including the ex-Mrs Charlie Sheen, Denise Richards, Dancing With The Stars communist hottie Karina Smirnoff and even had a very short term marriage to that scalding Doritos girl, Ali Landry. The only thing Slater ‘stabs’ is hot ass.

GRADE: F–

Lisa Turtle

Is Lark Voorhies still alive? I just assumed you offed herself years ago when she wasn’t even recognized at the Burger King…she was working at.

GRADE: INCOMPLETE

Kelly Kapowski

Ah, Kelly…the girl we all loved. I thought she had a shot at the big time. After she left Bayview, she reinvented herself. Changed her name to Valerie and went on to become a total slut and torment Dylan McKay across town at Beverly Hills 90210 High School. She was like a rising Phoenix that Tiffany Amber (destined fo the Pole with that name) Thiessen. However, giving 20 year old men erections across ‘Merica is not enough to make it in this racket. To quote Mike Tyson, Kelly has vanished in Bolivion. She is a viable suspect.

GRADE: B+

Mr. Belding

Let’s shift gears to that glue-sniffing principal from Bayview. The guy was always WAY to close to the gang. He was WAY too jolly about his station in life and, quite frankly, he gave me to the creeps. Not to mention, Dennis Haskins (I guess that’s his real name) has done less with his acting career that all of the ‘Bell-ers’ combined. I’d say he could be the stabbing type but my gut tells me he is working at a Friendly’s in rural Pennsylvania under a new name and is teetering on Level 3 status. Mr. B doesn’t have a violent streak – he just loves the children.

GRADE: D

Jesse Spano

So, if you put a 3.75-inch blade to my head, Jesse would be my best guess as to being the type of person that knifes guys in Wisconsin bars on Christmas. Elizabeth Berkeley essentially DID turn to pornography after the ‘Bell (read: Showgirls). Beauty and loose morals are just not enough to convert in this business, but certainly a plausible cocktail to turn to stabbing. After being rejected by that red-headed toolbox on CSI Miami, where is a damaged girl to turn? Jesse has stabber (and likely some various bodily fluids) written all over her face.

GRADE: A-

Screech

Say it ain’t so Dustin Diamond (is he really the Beastie Boys’ Mike D’s brother? Really?)? I realize a life (real and television) of rejection had to reach maximum capacity at some point, but I never thought it would be you. Of couse, after he mercilessly pounded the late, real-life homosexual Horshack from Welcome Back Kotter on Celebrity Boxing, we all knew he had a pension for violence. The writing was on that lockerroom wall at Bayside. I just wish someone acted sooner.

GRADE: He did it.

“It’s alright cause I’m saved by the…

its alright cause I’m saved by the…

its alright cause I’m SAVED BY THE BELL!”

Can I Be Frank, Frank McCabe

Stand By Me meets Dumb and Dumber

Remember the 80s movie “Stand By Me”? Remember the famous pie-eating-Lard-ass-Barf-O-Rama scene?

Well, pretty much the same exact thing is happening at the McCabe house his week…minus the delicious pie and good natured Country folk

Oh, almost forgot, today is a Creature Double Feature.

The bathroom scene from “Dumb and Dumber” is also showing….minus hottie Mary Swanson and the Aspen mansion.

Cripes!!!!

Can I Be Frank, Frank McCabe

Welcome to Fast Train, meet your economics Professor, ‘Ivy’

Lawsuit: College used strippers to lure students

MIAMI (AP) — A for-profit Florida college used exotic dancers as admissions officers, falsified documents and coached students to lie on financial forms as it fraudulently obtained millions of dollars in federal money, according to a federal lawsuit filed in Miami.

On at least one of its seven campuses, FastTrain College “purposely hired attractive women and sometimes exotic dancers and encouraged them to dress provocatively while they recruited young men in neighborhoods to attend FastTrain,” according to an ongoing civil lawsuit. The Florida attorney general and the U.S. attorney in Miami announced Wednesday that they were joining the lawsuit against the now-defunct FastTrain and former owner Alejandro Amor, 56.

Amor, of Coral Gables, was criminally indicted in October and faces pending charges of conspiracy and theft of government money. A telephone message left at a listing for Amor wasn’t immediately returned

The complaint says Miami-based FastTrain and Amor bilked the U.S. Department of Education out of millions of dollars with falsified grant applications from at least January 2009 through June 2012, when the school closed after an FBI raid.

The school is accused of falsifying high school diplomas for students who didn’t have them. Because they never graduated from high school, the lawsuit contends the students wouldn’t have qualified for student aid.

To access taxpayer dollars, the school needed first-time students to attend class for at least 30 days. If they didn’t, FastTrain falsified attendance records or backdated the enrollment so they could collect the money quicker, the lawsuit says.

The growth of for-profit colleges, which are governed by private organizations or corporations, has been explosive in Florida and across the country. As the schools have grown, numerous whistle-blower lawsuits have been filed against them by ex-employees. In the FastTrain case, the whistle-blower lawsuit was originally filed by Juan Pena, a former admissions employee. These lawsuits typically gain steam only when the government joins the case, as in Pena’s lawsuit.

Some former FastTrain students say they are still struggling with student loan debts, and the lawsuit identifies more than 160 former students who are now in default. Those who were attending around the time of the FBI raid can get their loans discharged under a “closed school” provision.

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“Oh my God, Mom, come see this! I got in! I got in! I got accepted to FastTrain!”

The words every parent longs to hear.

Let’s back the Train up here for a second. How could EVERYONE not sense the sham that was happening here?

A. The freaking school is called FAST TRAIN! Are you shitting me, Mr. Amor? Look, I get the fact that you are a scam artist and probably did not have a chance to fully think this through, but this is Marketing 101 (of course, they don’t offer that course at FT). You should have named your institution something a little more subtle like, oh, I don’t know, ‘Grand Fakes University’ or ‘Swindler State’ or even ‘COME GET A ILLEGITIMATE DIPLOMA COLLEGE’. It’s just common sense and a way to stay under the radar of those do-gooders at the FBI.

B. I have been out of college for some time now, but since when do ‘admissions folks’ recruit in neighborhoods? “Waldo, there is a raunchy skankbag at the door who wants to know if you want to go to college.” With that said, if you want to get a 17 year old boy excited about learning, this place’s heart was in the right place. Instead of writing 1000 word essay about how you will change the world, you get a $1000 in change to spend at the on campus Library/Arcade/Whore House. Every man of that age has one thing on their mind when they envision college; girls. The peeps over at the Train were just adding a little Viagra to their efforts. Bravo, I say. In the dog-eat-stripper world of for-profit, phony colleges, you need every advantage possible to stay in the game.

C. Disregard this rant – this happened in Florida. All makes complete sense now.

Can I Be Frank, Frank McCabe, Uncategorized

Finally the right girl for Charlie Manson

CORCORAN, Calif. — Mass murderer Charles Manson plans to marry a 26-year-old woman who left her Midwestern home and spent the past nine years trying to help exonerate him.

Afton Elaine Burton said she loves the man convicted in the notorious murders of seven people, including pregnant actress Sharon Tate.

No date has been set, but a wedding coordinator has been assigned by the prison to handle the ceremony, and the couple has until early February to get married before they would have to reapply.

The Kings County marriage license was issued Nov. 7 for the 80-year-old Manson and Burton, who lives in Corcoran — the site of the prison — and maintains several websites advocating his innocence.

Burton, who goes by the name ‘‘Star,’’ said she and Manson will be married next month.

‘‘Y’all can know that it’s true,’’ she said. ‘‘It’s going to happen.’’

‘‘I love him,’’ she added. ‘‘I’m with him. There’s all kinds of things.’’

However, as a life prisoner with no parole date, Manson is not entitled to conjugal visits.

Burton said she is interested in working on his case and marrying him would allow her to get information not available to nonrelatives.

‘‘There’s certain things next of kin can do,’’ she said without elaborating.

Tate’s sister, Debra, who acts as a spokeswoman for the families of Manson’s victims, said the impending marriage is ‘‘ludicrous.’’

‘‘It’s insane,’’ she said. ‘‘What would any young woman in her right mind want with an 80-year-old man?’’

As for Manson’s motives, she said, ‘‘The devil is alive and well.’’

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“Do you, don’t you want me to love you….” – ‘Helter Skelter’, The Beatles

That is the question posed to one Charles Manson….and the unswer is a resounding YES.

Call me a romantic but I think it it is refreshing to see that Charlie has finally met the right girl. I’m sure his parents (rolling over in their burning graves for parents that raise mass murderers) are finally resting in peace knowing that their little Chuckie is settling down at the tender age of 80. Sure, they thought things were gonna work out with Squeaky Fromme and possibly even Sharon Tate, but, at last, one Afton Elaine Burton has tamed the serial killing, cult leading, epic psychopath and making an honest man out of him before he meets his maker (who, in all liklihood, is actually the Devil himself.

Let me get this straight here Ms Afton (is that your Christian name, by the way?), you were 17 years old living in Buttcrack, Missouri or Unhappy, Oklahoma and you decided to dedicate your life to defending America’s most notorious villain? Forget Mr. and Mrs. Manson, Mom and Dad Burton must be glowing with pride at the church picnic.

“Yeah, little Afton is off chasing her dreams.”

“College?”

“Nope.”

“Career”

“Not exactly. No, our baby girl left home to save Charles Manson!”

“Oh. More pie?”

What’s worse? Afton is a cutie! Kind of looks like a haunted and deranged Alanis Morrisette. The real life lesson here, gentlemen, is that it does not matter you are jobless, homeless, soul-less or even an old rampant, NAZI serial killer, there is a woman out there for you. Don’t give up.

I believe in love.