afont10

Oh And Then This Happened….

There are 271.8 miles between New Hampshire and Utica NY. How do I know this little tidbit of information? Well, I recently rented myself a truck and drove every inch of that. The reason for the ride (and no I’m not a leafer so it wasn’t to see the beautiful country side) is because I recently took a sports director position (shameless plug) in that quaint little New York city. The first week has been anything but mundane, and now you the reader get to re-live it with me.

This glorious adventure started when I arrived at the pickup station only to find the 10 foot truck I had reserved wold not be making the trip with me. Instead I would be navigating a 16 footer. Oh, and I would still be responsible for refilling that 35 gallon tank after each gas guzzling mile. Furthermore, I HAD to throw down an extra $100 for insurance because these new extended dimensions were not covered under a normal insurance plan. Like a dog who was caught going through the trash I put my head down and accepted defeat as I was shown the door.

reaction animated GIF

From here things could only get better right?… Little did I know I had only stepped in a pothole, and still had the rest of the mountain to go before I hit rock bottom.

The move itself wasn’t terrible. Yes,I hit traffic that would have made even a Californian cringe, but seeing how the truck topped out at 60 MPH anyway I wasn’t in a rush. I had left shortly after breakfast, and now the sun was setting when I finally pulled into the parking lot of what is now my new home. The whole scene was actually pretty beautiful and dare I say symbolic? I mean the sun was literally setting on one chapter of my life while the next would begin the following morning.

My Mark Twain moment was abruptly cut short when I went to turn on the apartments lights. That flick of the switch produced… nothing. I then realized that symbolic sunset was actually a count down clock until I would be moving things up in the dark, and beginning my new life as a member of the Amish.

Why was everything shut off you ask? Well it turns out the previous tenant hadn’t paid his bill in 2 months. This may come as a shock, but the power company wasn’t amused, and their gift in return was to place a lock on the box. This meant for the next FOUR DAYS my only source of light would be via candles, lanterns, and the always fashionable headlight. I still don’t have internet, but I’m calling it a success since I was able to cancel my homemade butter making class with brother Abraham.

reaction animated GIF

Unfortunately the story doesn’t end there. Within 48 hours of moving my belongings in I found out my roommate was moving out. Yes, the man who had found the apartment and was going to pay half of the rent was bolting for greener pastures. And now the icing on the cake: the landlord had already found a woman who was ready to take over on the first of November. Thankfully, after kidnapping her eldest son and stealing a family heirloom I was able to hold onto the powerless apartment for the foreseeable future.

They say things happen for a reason. If someone could just show me the reason for this stretch well that would be fantastic.

Austin Fontanella, Sports

A Gem in the Rough

I was watching the Patriots Raiders game this afternoon when I caught this little guy. The game itself was mediocre at best, but this commercial was Super Bowl worthy. I’ll compare it to receiving a compliment from that guy/gal/inanimate object you’ve been crushing on at work ; hopefully not breaking any new ground, but at the same time giving you a feeling of satisfaction and accomplishment.

Austin Fontanella, Sports

Watch Your Hands!

I guess you can scratch role model off the list. Former Boston Red Sox closer Jonathan Papelbon is creating headlines for what he did in a game between his Philadelphia Phillies and the Miami Marlins, The Phillies are a dismal 69-81 so you can guarantee he wasn’t making news for his outstanding play. No, Mr. Riverdance (which now seems so lame) got himself thrown out of the game for a lewd gesture he made while walking off the mound.

It all started when Papelbon entered the game up 4-1 and ready send the fans home happy. Well, Miami apparently didn’t get the memo as they rallied for 4 runs in route to a 5-4 win. While walking off the mound the Phillies’ closer was deservedly met with boos from the crowd. He didn’t take it very well and “allegedly” (my editor said I had to write this to stay out of legal trouble) grabbed his crotch in a show of outstanding class.

The MLB has since come down and suspended Papelbon for seven games.

The only thing I can say to that is… stay Classy Jonathan.

Austin Fontanella, Sports

This…Is…PITTSBURGH!

If you haven’t seen this yet be prepared to waste the next 20 minutes (that’s a conservative estimate) watching it on replay.

This weekend Antonio Brown of the Pittsburgh Steelers pulled off a move that would make King Leonidas himself proud. The wide out was returning a punt against the Cleveland Browns when he tried to “jump” (or at least that’s his story and he is sticking to it) punter Spencer Lanning. The jump didn’t work out so well, but the result was gif gold!

First the original….

Notice the king’s fantastic posture, and his can do attitude as he kicks the Persian diplomat into the hole. (Side not: I love this movie and I am not ashamed to say it).

Now here is Antonio Brown…

Antonio Brown

They say all great pioneers build off those who came before them. Antonio Brown is no different. Notice how he took King Leonidas’s signature kick and added a little running start to it. Not only that but he kept running as if Lanning was just a poor animal who tried to cross the road as a semi was bearing down. I mean if I’m the Russian judge I’m giving the perfect 10 not to the Spartan but to Brown! And that my friends is how you make a statement!

Uncategorized

So You Like Taking Scandalous Pictures….

Well it turns out Jennifer Lawrence and Kate Upton are just as freaky as the rest of us. If that comes as a surprise then you’re probably the same person who thinks their naked snap chats really disappear when the timer is up. How can these smart, successful, media savvy women not realize everything they have ever recorded is stored somewhere? I mean come on people that’s internet 101!

That being said, I am in no way defending the low-life who posted these pictures (that I may or may not have almost missed my fantasy football draft trying to find–> see this article is sports related). This guy or gal is the scum of the earth and I’m sure there is a special place in hell for him or her.

Anyway I digress…. Here at Can I Be Frank and Crew we try not to judge, but rather offer up helpful solutions. In order to keep you out of a similar situation here are seven easy things you can do when you feel the urge to take that NFSW photo.

Read the Can I Be Frank and Crew Blog

(Hey you’re doing that already! You’re off to a great start!)

Measure animals while they eat

(So far my study has concluded cats, dogs, and small people aren’t thrilled to be measured while eating… btw I’m always looking for interns to help with my study)

Take naked regular pictures

(It may be tough to believe, but the camera still works with your clothes on)

Clean your pump shotty

(That’s a shot gun–> great for getting rid of gators and the always annoying fruit fly)

Develop your own language

(That’ll ensure you’ll have no one to send those scandalous selfies to)

Take a cold shower

(actually scratch that… you’ll be in your birthday suit and I’ve heard stories of people mistaking a towel for their phone, and snapping a few pictures just to make sure)

Ummm…. Let’s see….. You could….. hmm… Aw screw it! Kim Kardashian got famous for a sex tape so who knows the world could be your oyster!

Austin Fontanella, Sports

How I Earned 2nd Place in my Sprint Triathlon

No that is not a typo. The picture below (as in the bottom of the article) will prove that yours truly grabbed a silver medal for my age group in the Check for Change Sprint Triathlon. Now I know what you’re thinking, and yes the triathlon groupies were fighting each other to mob me on the podium. What should also be known is that the only other age group I would have medaled in was women age 65+. Finally there were only four competitors in my bracket. I’m pretty sure one missed the race completely and the guy who came in third only had one leg.

Having gotten that little asterisk out of the way let’s look at the distances before I dive into this medal winning performance. The race broke down as follows; 0.5 mile swim, 17 mile bike ride, and a 3.5 mile run. Not to toot my own horn here but:

My day started at the early hour of 6 am when we woke up in panic because no one set an alarm. That left this rag tag crew (my parents and myself) just 10 minutes to leave the hotel in order to still make it there on time. Following check-in we were given some prerace advice from the official timer of the day. His simple words of wisdom,

“If you are a slower swimmer make sure you hang out in the back or you will get run over in the water.”

With those encouraging sentiments we were off! Let me tell you, swimming in a lake where you can’t touch the bottom is a whole hell of a lot different than practicing in a pool. I got about halfway through the swim when I realized I was not only exhausted but in the middle of this God forsaken body of water. Drowning was not my first choice, but I figured it beat being the one person who needed a lifeguard to take them back to shore. Plus if I really went under I could have at least tried to copy Squints from, The Sandlot.

Once I got back to dry land I almost fell over on the way to the bike station. Not only were my legs shot, but I’m pretty sure I was carrying extra weight having taken in about three gallons of lake water. Things did not get any easier once I hopped on the bike. I was quickly reminded how competitive this “fun” event was when a middle aged woman rocking a cyclist tramp stamp yelled some choice words at me for being too far over as she sped by. As I tried to catch her, and yell something snarky back, I quickly regained my appreciation for the automobile. I promised from that moment on I would never again complain about good old Chuck the Truck (yea that’s the truck’s name). In addition, once I got home I’d give him/her (haven’t decided if it’s a boy or girl yet) a hug and then wash him/her myself.

When I arrived at the starting point for the running portion I was met with yet another crushing blow. This time it wasn’t a physical aliment, but rather a right hook straight to the ego. As I began the final leg I heard a familiar voice pass on by. That voice belonged to my 50+ year old dad. Not only did it seem like he was growing stronger with each step (like some evil villain gaining strength from the misery of others), but his wave kicked off a minute after mine. As he motored along out of sight I wondered if the ambulance bill would have been worth it in order to solidify my fake injury and save some face. Seeing how my income puts me below the poverty line I decided to suck it up and finish the stupid thing. For the next three miles I powered the little will I had left by cursing everything from the girl who gave me my race packet to the founding fathers who by setting up this great country kicked off a series of events which led me to this paved hell.

Now that I’ve had time to think about my performance I can promise one thing; I will never again run any race of any distance. If I am challenged in the future I will simply point to my silver medal, which I’m getting tattooed on me, and retell this story. Leaving out some of the details of course.

Medal Winner — A man we can all strive to be