It’ll be alright…”
I’m calling huge bullshit here Jimmy. Get back to San Francisco and sober up yourself and those Hush Puppies, chief.
Monday. Just saying the word elicits an emotional reaction; mostly a negative or depressing one. Monday is that that sadistic teacher that gives a pop quiz on a, well, Monday. Monday is the overbearing, micro-managing boss looking for your TPS reports before you sit down at your desk. Monday is the traffic jam. Monday is the rain. Monday is that coffee spill on your shirt.
But as bad as almost each and every Monday is, there are some especially terrible ones we need to endure throughout the year (today being one of them).
Here are you rankings of THE WORST MONDAYS OF THE YEAR:
10. Monday after a Screw-off-Friday
You ditched work/school for no good reason. You may have played the fake sick card. You may have just played hooky. It feels so damn good when you are doing it, but you know there is going to be a price to pay. Start thinking of excuses STAT.
9. Monday after Thanksgiving
Coming off, what I consider, the best non-vacation week of the year, this one is hard to swallow. You ate and drank way too much over the previous 5 days. You need to start thinking about the anxiety of Christmas. Oh, now you need to wear a jacket everyday. Shit.
8. The other 43 Mondays of the year not on this list
Yeah, all of them
7. Monday with a hangover
While we can not assign an official calendar date these Mondays, we have all had them. Perhaps you took it too deep at that cookout. Went a little bat shit at the tailgate. Perhaps an out of control Bar Mitzvah? Doesn’t matter, staring down the barrel of a long week, you do not want to be staring down the barrel in your office trying to hold off the pukes.
6. Monday starting a new job or school
Another date that may not occur on an annual basis, this is one of the worst. Going into a new routine, new people, new boss/teacher/AA Sponsor….its all a giant ball of stress and now your anxiety has finally arrived. This hallmark Monday deserves the middle finger and a Stone Cold Stunner.
5. Monday with Guilt
Also known as ‘Apology Monday’ another, unspecified date on calendar but we have all had these. Most common in the college era of life, you wake up and know you need to face some demons. You have a class with ‘that girl’ you made out with like the plane was going down in front of 63 people. You have to see those dudes from the hockey house whose sink you pissed in. You have to encounter the co-worker you drunkenly outed at the company outing Saturday afternoon. It’s a Monday full of embarrassing “I’m sorry(ies)”. Only remedy is bail on all commitments and just hide in bed. Time heals all.
5. Monday (AKA Tuesday) after Labor Day
Obviously, this is not a real Monday, but you get the same feeling only worse. Why? Summer is officially over. School is back in session. All those ambitious projects you have been putting off in the name of ‘it’s summer, everyone relax’ are punching you dead in the face. Thank God for football; the only thing that takes this sting out (See #1)
4. Monday after Christmas*
This specific Monday ain’t all that bad. You still have a few more ‘carefree’ days before the new year begins. Everyone is faking it today and the rest of the week, but hey, its still freaking Monday and I would rather be in my Jam Jams watching cartoons and drinking hot chocolate/vodka.
3. Monday after vacation
All vacations come to an end. As refueled, re-energized and rested as you think you are, walking back in to the office, the classroom and any other obligatory location is the worst. Insert pit in stomach.
2. Monday after New Year’s *
This is a really bad (oh and look, it’s today!). Excuses are gone. Holiday cheer is dead. Vacation is over. Its time to get your shit together, Skippy, and it just plain sizzucks.
And our #1 Worst Monday of the Year is…..
1. Monday after SuperBowl
Yes, this Monday get the #1 slot in our rankings. Whether your team is in the Big Game or not, this Monday sucks the worst on a number of levels. Football season is over. Its is freaking cold and snowy and no relief in sight. It’s still dark out at 5PM. There is nothing to do but sit inside and dwell on your misery (insert more of that hot vodka here). No other sports to really give a shit about at this juncture. But wait, look its Valentine’s Day! Double Farts!
6 weeks until St. Patrick’s Day and March Madness. 8 weeks until The Masters. 12 weeks until you can even think about a golf club. This really is the Grand Daddy of All Suck Ass Mondays. You, Madam, are a giant bitch. (NOTE: Add a SuperBowl loss by YOUR team – call the suicide hotline)
*Denotes this “Monday” can be alternate day of week depending on work/school schedule
So, yeah. Happy New Year. Pffffftttttt.