“White Christmas” – movie stinks, porno was pretty good.
“Miracle on 34th Street” – beat it Santa, this is a rough neighborhood for an old white dude.
“It’s a Wonderful Life” – never seen it, don’t want to. Boo me all you want.
“How the Grinch Stole Christmas?” – getting warmer.
But the answer to the question: Greatest Christmas Movie?
For my frankincense, ELF is the best Christmas movie going. It doesn’t even have swears, violence or nudity and I still love it. Will Ferrell, and his ‘Buddy to Elf’ character, wearing stockings for 90 minutes and running around like a strung-out coke fiend is pure gold. Not looking to play Siskel and the Dead Guy here but more so to express my concern for what happened to Buddy after the movie ended.
If you haven’t seen ELF (you should go straight to hell right now for starters), here is a quick summary.
Buddy (Will Ferrell) was accidentally transported to the North Pole as a toddler and raised to adulthood among Santa’s elves. Unable to shake the feeling that he doesn’t fit in, the adult Buddy travels to New York, in full elf uniform, in search of his real father. As it happens, this is Walter Hobbs (James Caan), a cynical businessman. After a DNA test proves this, Walter reluctantly attempts to start a relationship with the childlike Buddy with increasingly chaotic results.
You get the gist. All ends well. Buddy recognizes he is human, abandons the North Pole, reunites with his real Dad, woos the heart of a cute young lady and is now living amongst the humans in New York City. The End.
Not so fast, midget. It is not that simple. Buddy has zero real life experience and suddenly is going to the live at the Top of the Food Chain; NYC? No Elfin’ Way. Think about all of the problems he is going to encounter once Sonny Corleone tells him to move out?
Buddy has absolutely no skills except how to build an Etch-A-Sketch quasi-fast and decorate a damn Christmas Tree. Sure that is helpful during the 30 days between Thanksgiving and Jesus’ birthday, but that’s it. Come December 26, Buddy is in the unemployment line and God knows an Elf’s comp package is not going to be sufficient to survive in the Big Apple. Before you know it, he’ll be on the street pimping himself out for Candy Canes and Maple Syrup. Best case, he gets hired to be some type of weird fetish Elf sex slave for private parties by Asian businessmen, but that nevers end well. Before you know it he is snorting Smarties off the fire hydrant in front of defunct FAO Schwartz, giving Elf-jobs in the alley and screaming that he knows Santa Claus like a lunatic. Buddy won’t see next Christmas at this rate.
Yes, he has a rich Dad and a seemingly nice Step Mom and Step Brother. But you know how this will go, don’t you? All of Buddy’s high energy, positive bullshit will get old, really fast. Remember ‘Flowers in the Attic‘? That’s what happens to step kids. The real parent moves on with their life and the Steps get abandoned…or poisoned….or left to starve. As it is, Buddy only lives on the four main food groups.
Now, lets just say that nice girlfriend says, “Hey Buddy, its OK, you can move in with me.” How’s that going to go? The guy can’t help with the rent. He brings nothing to the conversation table except stories of fucking reindeer and woodshop. Oh, and how about the bedroom? Buddy has likely never had sex, right? Even if he did, it was with a giggly midget she-elf (or SHELF) who probably cried rape to Papa Elf. Let’s be real, if a man can’t bring home the bacon (or even Candy Corn) and doesn’t know how to use his ‘North Pole’; guess where he is headed? Exactly. Bye, bye Buddy.
And here we are again, Buddy is back on the streets trying to hitchhike a ride back to Santa’s Village in an attempt to re-insert himself back in to his old life like Richard Freaking Kimball in The Fugitive. But guess what? The Village doesn’t want you back, Big Boy. You are a human. They carried your ass for far too long. Buddy, you are now a man without a country.
And so, I don’t want to drag everyone down just before the magical holiday of Christmas but, unfortunately, this tale does not end well. In all likelihood, Buddy ends up on the business end of a long strand of licorice, hanging off the Brooklyn Bridge.
Please don’t make an ELF 2, Hollywood. I beg you. Leave well elf-nough alone.
But, here is a small, early Christmas gift from me to you…some of the best of ELF…
Merry Christmas to all and to all a Good Night!