In honor of JAWS 50th anniversary (June 20, 1975) here is a throwback
(Originally published August 1, 2013)
With the onset of Shark Week, I have opened a new series in the Can I be Frank? tales; Irrational Fears. We all have fears in life. Some are founded, others are completely ridiculous. I realized that I have many of what I am calling, irrational fears.
An irrational fear, by my definition, is the fear of something – be it a person, animal, object, activity, or geography – that is likely to be perfectly safe and unlikely to cause any bodily harm.
First on my agenda of these fears is the ultimate adversary to mankind. Of course, I am referring to sharks. All shapes, all sizes.
Here are just a few “real” facts on shark attacks from the liars at National Geographic…
· 93% of shark attacks from 1580 to 2010 worldwide were on males.
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· In 2010, North American Waters had 42% of all confirmed unprovoked attacks worldwide (32 attacks).
· 2010 was the most dangerous year for unprovoked shark attacks in a decade with 79.
· Since 1907, 201 out 220 Great White Attacks have occurred when the human was less than 6ft from the surface.
And my favorite…
· You have and a 1 in 3,700,000 chance of being killed by a shark during your lifetime.
Oh, I so beg to differ, N-Geo.
Based on the extensive research I have performed, which includes watching JAWS, Finding NEMO and (foolishly) going to the beach, I am confident in revising these fraudulent statistics printed by “one of the largest nonprofit scientific and educational institutions in the world.” Hogwash.
Let me get your attention. My research leads me to believe the odds of being attacked and eaten by a shark in Massachusetts are, actually, 1 in 4.
Sobering, isn’t it?
Don’t believe me? Need more evidence? Fine. Let’s start with the most factual testimony ever produced about shark attacks; the 1975 cinematic masterpiece, JAWS. Most people believe that JAWS was simply filmed by Steven Spielberg (who, unbeknownst to most, is an international shark expert) as entertainment for movie-goers. Wrong. Dead wrong if I must use a bad pun. JAWS was a non-fictional narrative of what happens every single day on the waters off of the scenic Massachusetts shores. Sharks are there. Sharks are waiting to eat you.
The quacks over at CNN actual proclaim there was only ONE shark attack in Massa-CHEW-setts during 2012! Yeah, and I have a bridge I want to sell you (maybe the Bourne Bridge, a.k.a., “America’s Gateway to Sharkland).
In just over TWO HOURS of the JAWS documentary, we witnessed SEVEN shark attacks, SIX of which were FATAL! And for the three main characters: Brody, Hooper and Quint? One dead and two attacked. Plus, add insult to (fatal) injury, Quint was the greatest shark hunter in the world. In. The. World. And how did he ultimately die? Exactly.
Am I starting to get through to you people?
These hard and true facts are what lead me to my conclusion; a shark attack is likely going to happen to each and every one of us over the course of our lifetime (I would actually contend it will happen during a 1 week vacation to Cape Cod, but I have not concluded this segment of study).
There is an old adage that there are only two certainties in life; death and taxes.
I would revise this statement to read “death BY SHARK and taxes”.
Deep breath.
Despite my findings, the ‘main stream media’ would argue that you have a better chance of dying by being struck by lightning, catching the flu or simply taking a bad fall. These “statistics” should prompt me to pause, step back, think and lean on modern research and science to relieve me of my fear of these ruthless, blood-thirsty destroyers of man. Yes, that is what I should do. I just can’t.
Don’t say you have not been warned.
As shark attack escapee, Martin Brody so eloquently stated, “We’re gonna need a bigger boat.” I would advise you to skip the bigger boat, skip the beach, and certainly skip entering the treacherous ocean waters. Just stay home. Life is too short.
ENJOY SHARK WEEK! I’ll be under the covers.
Can I Be Frank & Crew? 