Author Archives: handsfactor

About handsfactor

Who says 36 year old married fathers can't be Taylor Swift fans? Pitch Perfect is this century's Sound of Music (Elizabeth Banks is Rolf). I know how to make everything better just ask me! (Hint the answer is usually add alcohol, if there's already booze add more).

Fun Friday Hypothetical

As I was attending the Lowell MENSA Chapter’s virtual meeting, AKA a Can I Be Frank & Crew Group Text, a thought provoking question was posed.  Our Editor in Chief, after whining about our content output, suggested that it would make for a good blog topic and I got guilt tripped into obliging.

 

I will first defend our content output by saying, we all live extremely busy lives.  I have a newborn and am in Zombie mode of far too little sleep and not nearly enough alcohol. For that reason I have a hard time stringing together two coherent sentences let alone putting words to a screen.  Pist is apparently convinced that Bernie Sanders is going to win the election and everything is going to be free, because he’s busy preparing for his third kid.  If Bernie doesn’t win those kids better be told early they’re digging ditches to pay for college because based on their father I don’t see a lot of athletic scholarships in their future, unless Jameson chugging becomes and NCAA sport.  Burkie besides having upwards of a dozen cats to care for, also has the problem of you can only write about waking up in some strange guy’s bed, wreaking of stale booze, vomit, Axe Body Spray, and shame so many times before it gets repetitive.  As for Tobes, has he actually ever written anything for this site???

 

I will now say part of the reason the guilt trip worked is I agree with our E.I.C. that we do need more content.  So in that vein of thinking this is my initial foray into what I hope will be a regularly occurring column.  It’s going to be called Fun Friday Hypothetical, where I will pose a riveting to our imaginary readers, that will hopefully cause debate amongst anyone you pose it to.  I will also breakdown what I feel are the most acceptable answers.  The entirely too optimistic plan is to do one of these a week.  I realize that we here at Can I Be Frank tend to be full of broken promises (I’m still waiting for Pist’s reviews of more Christmas Movies!!) so I wouldn’t hold my breath on the once a week idea, but we should be able to get them out at least once a month.
On to our question!! Your Fun Friday Hypothetical is the following:

 

You are on the top of a very tall building with no ledge around the roof.  The entire Kardashian/Jenner family and their significant others are along the edge of the roof looking down.  You are only allowed to push one, who will it be?
I’m going to rank them in reverse order of who I would push:

#11) Kendall Jenner – She is the only one that seems to have any kind of career that is not based entirely on the fact that her sister was funneling some guy’s hog and it got recorded.  She has a successful modeling career independent of the rest of them (I’m not saying her fame didn’t help her, but it seems she’d be successful without them) as a Calvin Klein model.  Has walked the runway in various designers fashion shows as well as the Victoria’s Secret show this past year.

 

#10) Rob Kardashian – When I think of Rob my initial thought is I feel sorry for him.  Then I think about his situation more and I realize the following thing.  He doesn’t leave the house, he just orders take out and eats and gets fat, which causes him to be sad about being fat, which causes him to eat his feelings away.  It’s a vicious cycle, yet he somehow managed to acquire a porn star girlfriend in the past 3 months.  Now two points about that  #1 Blac Chyna is not my particular cup of tea when it comes to women but I’m sure she appeals to some demographic of the 7 Billion people on this planet.  #2 It’s entirely possible she’s only dating you because her ex is fucking your sister (More on those two later) But still you’re a fat slob who doesn’t leave the house and managed to get a porn star girlfriend.  Fuck it we’re moving you up the list.

 

#10)  Tyga – I don’t know any of your music, I don’t want to know any of your music.  The only things I know about you are you’ve been fucking Kylie since she was like 16 and you used to date Blac Chyna.  Those two things are reason enough to warrant a foot in the small of your back, but we have bigger fish to fry.

 

#9) Scott Disick – I alternate between thinking he’s possibly the biggest douche on the planet and thinking he’d be hysterical to hang out with.  My guess is both things are true.  He’s living proof that to put up with all the bullshit you go through with the Kardashian Media Empire you have to use heavy, heavy drugs.

 

#8)  Kourtney Kardashian – The most intelligent thing she’s ever had come out of her mouth is Scott’s penis.  She’s the dumb sorority girl who reads and article about being vegan and decides to change her life, until she gets chicken on her burrito at Chipotle.  She comes across as wanting to be living a hippy bohemian life, until she sees a new Prada bag and has to get it.  You’ve divorced from Scott because he’s on drugs and a bad influence around your kids, well how about you get yourself the fuck off TV and actually live your life and work on your marriage instead of being under your mother’s thumb constantly?

 

#7) Caitlyn Jenner – As an unenlightened white male, I have some questions regarding Caitlyn’s transformation from Bruce that I don’t fully understand.  As far as I’m aware Caitlyn still has a penis, I get the premise that you’re a woman trapped in a man’s body, but where money is clearly not an obstacle; shouldn’t you go ahead and get the surgery?  Why are you still having that thing hang around? Are you tucking it like Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs, or are you taping it down?  It’s been 11 months since you announced you were becoming Caitlyn, it’s time to shit or get off the pot.  On a side note if I just declare that I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body does that mean I get to play the forward tees and play in the Ladies Cities?  Not saying I’m going to do that, I’m just saying that may be the best chance I have of winning the $100 bet I have with a certain Moriarty that I’ll never make the Cities.
Anyways you’re this high on the list not because of any gender issues, but because in the early stages of the Kardashian show, Bruce Jenner lent credibility to the rest of the nitwits you were living with.  People already knew who you were.  If Kris had married some non famous tennis instructor from Santa Monica instead of you, the show might never have gotten off the ground.

 

#6)  Rob Kardashian – See above, with the added bonus that you’ve taken over Khloe’s role of if we pushed you, your impact might cause an earthquake and take down the building with the rest of them on it.

 

#5)  Khloe Kardashian – This entry would have been a lot more fun to write 3 years ago when we could make fat jokes about her.  Now Khloe has transformed herself physically, and has the added bonus of half the women that watch the show still feel bad for her when everyone made fun of her for being fat.  But my Nana always taught me it’s what’s inside that counts, and for that she ranks this high. Your mother is for all intents and purposes the most reprehensible human being on the planet, and your biological father is currently inmate #1027820 in the Nevada Penal System.  You’ve tried 3 different spin off shows and all 3 have been failures because you’re not that interesting.  You seem determined to fuck as many NBA players as possible, but at least they’re getting more talented as they go.  You started with Rashad McCants  (D-League player) moved on to Lamar Odom and then James Harden.  The only way to redeem yourself is if you get back with Lamar and the two of you become this generation’s Whitney & Bobby.

 

#4) Kylie Jenner – She’s turning into Kim II, she’d be better off turning into Kim-Jon-Il.  How in God’s name does she have 52 million Instagram followers?  She’s never done anything.  Kim at least put out a porn video, she hasn’t even done that.  Congratulations you’re 18 years old and have had almost as much plastic surgery as Joan Rivers did.  Pushing her might save a generation of 14-25 year old bimbos from thinking of her as a role model and you’d be doing them a favor.  Although you could make a fair argument that if they’re dumb enough to emulate her, then they don’t deserve to be saved.

 

#3)  Kanye West – A strong argument could be made for making him numero uno on this list but hear me out. #1. He’s possibly the world’s biggest jackass, but that doesn’t mean he’s not entertaining.  This is the man, who on live television said George Bush hated black people, and that’s not even one of the craziest things he’s ever done.  #2. He’s undeniably talented musically.  His College Drop-Out album is an all-time classic #3. His twitter account: When he says things like “Puff Daddy is the most important cultural figure in my life. His influence means everything to me” it makes a random Monday that much more tolerable.  Also when the man tweets out “Shut the fuck up and enjoy the greatness” I listen to him  #3a  His twitter account also allows him to beef with other people online, which is good because in real life he’d get his ass kicked. Seriously he’s like 5’8” 150 lbs, which is basically the same size as Tobes, and Tobes couldn’t fight his way out of a wet paper bag. When he beefs with people online you get little nuggets of information from the other people that provide endless comedic fodder, like when he went after Wiz Khalifa a couple weeks ago, and then he had a litany of ex-lovers talk about how Kanye liked to be fingered in the ass, and multiple girls testified to it.  So let’s keep Kanye around and instead push his bride.

 

#2)  Kim Kardashian – She sucks, both literally and figuratively.  She’s famous for absolutely no reason other than sucking Ray J’s dick.  She was running Paris Hilton’s errands 12 years ago, and now is a social media queen with over 40 million twitter followers.  Her tweets are all promoting either products she’s been paid to promote or herself.  She’s never been intentionally entertaining or funny a day in her life.  Seriously if she was forced to enter a talent show, what would her talent be?  She’s a complete waste of oxygen, and is the very definition of a load that should have been swallowed.  She’s basically a puppet with the strings being pulled by the only person more despicable than her.

 

#1)  Kris Jenner – the Queen of the Kardashian empire, she’s the one that pulls all the strings.  It’s entirely possible she’s the worst human being on the planet.  She exploits all her children and pretty soon her grandchildren every single chance she gets, in order to increase her well being.  She controls everything, how they are all perceived and spins everything to make them look the way she wants.  Let’s look at the following facts.  Her Daughter had a sex tape she starred in and she’s on record as saying as her manager she were thrilled about it.  She’s told her son that he’s too fat to be on TV and has basically shunned him until he lost weight so he could appear in public with the rest of the plastic family.  Kim’s marriage to Kris Humphries was basically a sham encouraged by her so she could put a wedding on her TV show.  When her other daughter’s estranged husband suffered an overdose, she brought cameras with them to the hospital when they went to see him as he was in a medically induced coma.  Her youngest daughter at age 16 was fucking a 24 year old, but hey he’s a famous rapper so it’s ok, we’ll just keep him off camera until she turns 18.  If there’s a dollar to be wrung out of her children she’ll do it without a moment’s hesitation, and she doesn’t care what it does to her kids.  Also you have the added bonus of if you push Kris, there’s like a 70% chance that the rest of her family will follow her blindly, like they do everything else in life, and go over the edge after her like lemmings.

kardashian-jenner

You can’t really go wrong no matter who you decide to push

 

So there we have my case for our first Friday Fun Hypothetical.  You can agree to disagree as that’s what makes these questions fun.  If you’re one of the 4 people reading this please feel free to submit your own hypothetical.  If we choose yours Leah will buy you your first beer at the Catcher’s Mitt on Friday afternoon.

 

 

 

 

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Fall Penance

 

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On Thursday my wife took a look at this weekend’s forecast, saw that it would be in the 60’s & Sunny, and like the Swallows Returning To Capistrano, her natural instinct was to instantly demand that we go Apple Picking / Get Pumpkins.  I quickly tried to schedule a last minute colonoscopy but the nurse saying something about “not medically necessary” and my wife holding an 8 iron threatening to pull her best Elle Woods imitation convinced me to concede  So today we took the trek up to Parlee Farms. This is going to come as a shock but I had some thoughts while wading through the sea of humanity having a quintessential New England Fall Experience.

  • God bless them but somehow Parlee doesn’t charge for parking.  Considering there were easily 1000 cars there, I’m thinking there’s a wasted business opportunity there.
  • Speaking of parking. I felt like I was at the Burlington Mall in December. I had cars following me as I wheeled the pumpkins to the car. I had to tell 4 different cars that I wasn’t actually leaving just dropping off
  • I could not believe the amount of High School Aged Basic White Girls in official BWG uniform (High Boots, Leggings, Puffy Vest) dragging their boyfriends around taking selfies.  Fellas if you’re reading this 2 things. #1. Don’t put up with that. Let her go with her friends, she’ll have a way better time. This is not the girl you’re going to spend the rest of your life with so don’t waste a Football Sunday getting dragged around.  #2. Why the fuck are you reading this?  It’s a blog by a bunch of Cantankerous Middle Aged white guys, who all think 2001 was like 4 years ago, and Leah, who is quite lovely, but A) you guys would consider a cougar and B) wouldn’t be able to pick her up until your knowledge of wine goes beyond Arbor Mist.  But I digress.
  • How in the name of God is there not a bar here?  You sell apple cider donuts (fantastic by the way) apple crisp, and every other fall food item in the world. How on earth can I not get a Shipyard, an Octoberfest or even some Hard Apple Cider?  I would have paid $9 for a beer and not thought twice about it. And by the looks of it, every other guy there would have as well.  Next year when you see the Handsfactor Pavilion (21+) on the far side of the field, you can mention this blog post to bartender Leah for half off your first beer!
  • This place should be called Parlee Farms subtitled “Hold Still” sub-subtitled “Look at mommy and say cheese”. Mother’s this is not you and your 2 girlfriend’s posing in the restaurant bathroom taking 42 selfies until you get the right one where your heads are at the right angle and your skinny arm is just so.  Your 3 year old in the pumpkin shirt doesn’t care if your frenemy is going to be soooo jealous when she sees your perfect little angel contemplating which pumpkin to choose or reaching for the Apple on the branch just out of reach (Hint: It’s not a metaphor for their hopes and dreams it’s something they want to throw at the back of your head when you’re not looking) on Instagram.  All your kid knows is Mommy dragged him out to the middle of a field surrounded by pumpkins lying in the dirt but she keeps yelling to stop touching them because they’re dirty and threatening under her breath and gritted teeth to smile and stop crying or she’s going to give you something to really cry about.      If you had a drink in hand you’d be way more mellow.
  • Next year on your way in you may see Tobes and PistoffIrishman with a stand outside the grounds. While I’m not sharing the alcohol concession (Pistoff can’t be trusted not to drink our stock) I will toss them a bone and have them open a Starbucks franchise outside so all those BWG’s can get their Spiced Pumpkin Latte fix right there. For an extra $5 they’ll even throw leaves up in the air while you snap your selfie.

Now my fall penance is done as my wife thankfully doesn’t see the point of driving to New Hampshire for leaf peeping (we probably wouldn’t be married if she did) so now it’s back to weekends of football on the couch and crockpot meals. Two things I can get behind.

My next seasonal penance won’t be until after Thanksgiving. Rollie’s Christmas Tree Farm you’re on notice as to how to improve my experience *Hint – Hot Chocolate Stand with optional Peppermint Schnaaps*

My Life as an Addict

Confession: I have an addiction that I’ve carried for 20 years.  Like most people I got hooked in High School,  My friends were all doing it and encouraged me to try it, I didn’t want to be the only one not doing it so I gave it a shot.  Let me tell you I loved it, it was exhilarating. Like most addictions I thought I had everything under control and I could handle it. But within a couple of years my addiction had doubled then tripled. It seemed like all my money was being poured into this habit and inevitably I grew to hate it and myself a little bit.  I saw other people drop the addiction and up until 2 weeks ago I never thought I could be one of those people, doomed to live with it until I died. But it’s been 2 weeks free & clear now, and the sun shine is brighter, the air smells cleaner, & food tastes better.  The temptation is always there especially now that it’s easier than ever to get it, but I remain strong.     My name is Handsfactor and I’m a recovering Fantsy Football addict.

This is the first time since 1995 I haven’t played Fantasy and I highly recommend it.  The first time since Clinton was in office,having Monica Hoover his Arkansas Razorback, that the only Football games I’ve cared about are the Pats & whatever wagers I happen to have going.  I no longer care that Chicago’s kicker hit a 52 yard FG, so that gives me an extra bonus point. In fact I don’t even know who the Bears kicker is! A fact that would have been I fathomable to me a couple of years ago.

Besides you know Fantsy Football has jumped the shark when the 50 year old mother of 3 is talking about how she was excited that Jamaal Charles fell to her at the #3 pick.  Much like Facebook if it’s something my wife’s grandmother is doing then it’s probably not cool anymore.  Football Sunday’s are supposed to be wonderful, you eat bad food, day drink on a Sunday afternoon and lie around the house for anywhere from 3 – 10 hours, and it’s perfectly acceptable.  So why taint such a glorious experience by having your mood ruined because Kenny Britt only had 48 yards receiving when you needed him to have 50+?  The only time I want to be upset after watching football on a Sunday is because someone didn’t cover the spread, and then I’m not even that mad because I can just double up my Monday Night bet & win it back  (It’s not like I’m going to lose 2 in a row!)  So now that I’ve kicked my addiction, my life can best be summed up by quoting the noted 20th Century Philosopher, Pipes Slattery, “My only vices are Drinking, Drugs & Black Women!”