As I was attending the Lowell MENSA Chapter’s virtual meeting, AKA a Can I Be Frank & Crew Group Text, a thought provoking question was posed. Our Editor in Chief, after whining about our content output, suggested that it would make for a good blog topic and I got guilt tripped into obliging.
I will first defend our content output by saying, we all live extremely busy lives. I have a newborn and am in Zombie mode of far too little sleep and not nearly enough alcohol. For that reason I have a hard time stringing together two coherent sentences let alone putting words to a screen. Pist is apparently convinced that Bernie Sanders is going to win the election and everything is going to be free, because he’s busy preparing for his third kid. If Bernie doesn’t win those kids better be told early they’re digging ditches to pay for college because based on their father I don’t see a lot of athletic scholarships in their future, unless Jameson chugging becomes and NCAA sport. Burkie besides having upwards of a dozen cats to care for, also has the problem of you can only write about waking up in some strange guy’s bed, wreaking of stale booze, vomit, Axe Body Spray, and shame so many times before it gets repetitive. As for Tobes, has he actually ever written anything for this site???
I will now say part of the reason the guilt trip worked is I agree with our E.I.C. that we do need more content. So in that vein of thinking this is my initial foray into what I hope will be a regularly occurring column. It’s going to be called Fun Friday Hypothetical, where I will pose a riveting to our imaginary readers, that will hopefully cause debate amongst anyone you pose it to. I will also breakdown what I feel are the most acceptable answers. The entirely too optimistic plan is to do one of these a week. I realize that we here at Can I Be Frank tend to be full of broken promises (I’m still waiting for Pist’s reviews of more Christmas Movies!!) so I wouldn’t hold my breath on the once a week idea, but we should be able to get them out at least once a month.
On to our question!! Your Fun Friday Hypothetical is the following:
You are on the top of a very tall building with no ledge around the roof. The entire Kardashian/Jenner family and their significant others are along the edge of the roof looking down. You are only allowed to push one, who will it be?
I’m going to rank them in reverse order of who I would push:
#11) Kendall Jenner – She is the only one that seems to have any kind of career that is not based entirely on the fact that her sister was funneling some guy’s hog and it got recorded. She has a successful modeling career independent of the rest of them (I’m not saying her fame didn’t help her, but it seems she’d be successful without them) as a Calvin Klein model. Has walked the runway in various designers fashion shows as well as the Victoria’s Secret show this past year.
#10) Rob Kardashian – When I think of Rob my initial thought is I feel sorry for him. Then I think about his situation more and I realize the following thing. He doesn’t leave the house, he just orders take out and eats and gets fat, which causes him to be sad about being fat, which causes him to eat his feelings away. It’s a vicious cycle, yet he somehow managed to acquire a porn star girlfriend in the past 3 months. Now two points about that #1 Blac Chyna is not my particular cup of tea when it comes to women but I’m sure she appeals to some demographic of the 7 Billion people on this planet. #2 It’s entirely possible she’s only dating you because her ex is fucking your sister (More on those two later) But still you’re a fat slob who doesn’t leave the house and managed to get a porn star girlfriend. Fuck it we’re moving you up the list.
#10) Tyga – I don’t know any of your music, I don’t want to know any of your music. The only things I know about you are you’ve been fucking Kylie since she was like 16 and you used to date Blac Chyna. Those two things are reason enough to warrant a foot in the small of your back, but we have bigger fish to fry.
#9) Scott Disick – I alternate between thinking he’s possibly the biggest douche on the planet and thinking he’d be hysterical to hang out with. My guess is both things are true. He’s living proof that to put up with all the bullshit you go through with the Kardashian Media Empire you have to use heavy, heavy drugs.
#8) Kourtney Kardashian – The most intelligent thing she’s ever had come out of her mouth is Scott’s penis. She’s the dumb sorority girl who reads and article about being vegan and decides to change her life, until she gets chicken on her burrito at Chipotle. She comes across as wanting to be living a hippy bohemian life, until she sees a new Prada bag and has to get it. You’ve divorced from Scott because he’s on drugs and a bad influence around your kids, well how about you get yourself the fuck off TV and actually live your life and work on your marriage instead of being under your mother’s thumb constantly?
#7) Caitlyn Jenner – As an unenlightened white male, I have some questions regarding Caitlyn’s transformation from Bruce that I don’t fully understand. As far as I’m aware Caitlyn still has a penis, I get the premise that you’re a woman trapped in a man’s body, but where money is clearly not an obstacle; shouldn’t you go ahead and get the surgery? Why are you still having that thing hang around? Are you tucking it like Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs, or are you taping it down? It’s been 11 months since you announced you were becoming Caitlyn, it’s time to shit or get off the pot. On a side note if I just declare that I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body does that mean I get to play the forward tees and play in the Ladies Cities? Not saying I’m going to do that, I’m just saying that may be the best chance I have of winning the $100 bet I have with a certain Moriarty that I’ll never make the Cities.
Anyways you’re this high on the list not because of any gender issues, but because in the early stages of the Kardashian show, Bruce Jenner lent credibility to the rest of the nitwits you were living with. People already knew who you were. If Kris had married some non famous tennis instructor from Santa Monica instead of you, the show might never have gotten off the ground.
#6) Rob Kardashian – See above, with the added bonus that you’ve taken over Khloe’s role of if we pushed you, your impact might cause an earthquake and take down the building with the rest of them on it.
#5) Khloe Kardashian – This entry would have been a lot more fun to write 3 years ago when we could make fat jokes about her. Now Khloe has transformed herself physically, and has the added bonus of half the women that watch the show still feel bad for her when everyone made fun of her for being fat. But my Nana always taught me it’s what’s inside that counts, and for that she ranks this high. Your mother is for all intents and purposes the most reprehensible human being on the planet, and your biological father is currently inmate #1027820 in the Nevada Penal System. You’ve tried 3 different spin off shows and all 3 have been failures because you’re not that interesting. You seem determined to fuck as many NBA players as possible, but at least they’re getting more talented as they go. You started with Rashad McCants (D-League player) moved on to Lamar Odom and then James Harden. The only way to redeem yourself is if you get back with Lamar and the two of you become this generation’s Whitney & Bobby.
#4) Kylie Jenner – She’s turning into Kim II, she’d be better off turning into Kim-Jon-Il. How in God’s name does she have 52 million Instagram followers? She’s never done anything. Kim at least put out a porn video, she hasn’t even done that. Congratulations you’re 18 years old and have had almost as much plastic surgery as Joan Rivers did. Pushing her might save a generation of 14-25 year old bimbos from thinking of her as a role model and you’d be doing them a favor. Although you could make a fair argument that if they’re dumb enough to emulate her, then they don’t deserve to be saved.
#3) Kanye West – A strong argument could be made for making him numero uno on this list but hear me out. #1. He’s possibly the world’s biggest jackass, but that doesn’t mean he’s not entertaining. This is the man, who on live television said George Bush hated black people, and that’s not even one of the craziest things he’s ever done. #2. He’s undeniably talented musically. His College Drop-Out album is an all-time classic #3. His twitter account: When he says things like “Puff Daddy is the most important cultural figure in my life. His influence means everything to me” it makes a random Monday that much more tolerable. Also when the man tweets out “Shut the fuck up and enjoy the greatness” I listen to him #3a His twitter account also allows him to beef with other people online, which is good because in real life he’d get his ass kicked. Seriously he’s like 5’8” 150 lbs, which is basically the same size as Tobes, and Tobes couldn’t fight his way out of a wet paper bag. When he beefs with people online you get little nuggets of information from the other people that provide endless comedic fodder, like when he went after Wiz Khalifa a couple weeks ago, and then he had a litany of ex-lovers talk about how Kanye liked to be fingered in the ass, and multiple girls testified to it. So let’s keep Kanye around and instead push his bride.
#2) Kim Kardashian – She sucks, both literally and figuratively. She’s famous for absolutely no reason other than sucking Ray J’s dick. She was running Paris Hilton’s errands 12 years ago, and now is a social media queen with over 40 million twitter followers. Her tweets are all promoting either products she’s been paid to promote or herself. She’s never been intentionally entertaining or funny a day in her life. Seriously if she was forced to enter a talent show, what would her talent be? She’s a complete waste of oxygen, and is the very definition of a load that should have been swallowed. She’s basically a puppet with the strings being pulled by the only person more despicable than her.
#1) Kris Jenner – the Queen of the Kardashian empire, she’s the one that pulls all the strings. It’s entirely possible she’s the worst human being on the planet. She exploits all her children and pretty soon her grandchildren every single chance she gets, in order to increase her well being. She controls everything, how they are all perceived and spins everything to make them look the way she wants. Let’s look at the following facts. Her Daughter had a sex tape she starred in and she’s on record as saying as her manager she were thrilled about it. She’s told her son that he’s too fat to be on TV and has basically shunned him until he lost weight so he could appear in public with the rest of the plastic family. Kim’s marriage to Kris Humphries was basically a sham encouraged by her so she could put a wedding on her TV show. When her other daughter’s estranged husband suffered an overdose, she brought cameras with them to the hospital when they went to see him as he was in a medically induced coma. Her youngest daughter at age 16 was fucking a 24 year old, but hey he’s a famous rapper so it’s ok, we’ll just keep him off camera until she turns 18. If there’s a dollar to be wrung out of her children she’ll do it without a moment’s hesitation, and she doesn’t care what it does to her kids. Also you have the added bonus of if you push Kris, there’s like a 70% chance that the rest of her family will follow her blindly, like they do everything else in life, and go over the edge after her like lemmings.
So there we have my case for our first Friday Fun Hypothetical. You can agree to disagree as that’s what makes these questions fun. If you’re one of the 4 people reading this please feel free to submit your own hypothetical. If we choose yours Leah will buy you your first beer at the Catcher’s Mitt on Friday afternoon.