The Greatest Football Player of All Time, Thomas Edward Patrick Brady (Christ, that might be the greatest freaking NAME of all time!) is about to be mortal. He is about to become a regular person. Human.
In the coming days, our beloved TB12 has to join the rest of us “fans” and simply sit back and watch the first 4 weeks of NFL action. Tom will be sitting at home and watching HIS Patriots play their first four games like he was just another Joe (Montana). It is hard to imagine. Hard to digest. Hard to believe. And while this is a devastating blow to the Pats, this is the one team in professional sports that can likely manage it, even with TFB sidelined (insert gratuitous FUCK YOU, GOODELL!)
And so, got me thinking. What to do during this black hole in Boston sports history? Of course I will remain glued to the TV each week with the rest of you but also…what will Tom be doing? Per his suspension he can have no contact with his teammates. Can’t visit the stadium, sit on the sidelines, throw a pass, communicate in any way with anyone in the NFL. (Yeah sure. As if Coach Bill and J McD don’t have more burner phones hidden than Anthony Weiner’s weiner)
Got thinking more – what would I do if I could spend these 4 weeks with Tom Brady?
(SIDEBAR: If Tom was ever actually willing to host a contest where one lucky fan could spend the suspension month with him, the funds raised would make the entire history of The Jimmy Fund Radiothon look like a 6 year old’s $.25/cup lemonade stand. He’d probably cure cancer too. Just sayin’.)
What would you do with Tom if you got that opportunity?
The listing of possible activities is endless, but here is my top 10. (all entries are rooted in strict hetero-sexuality, I assure you)
Lets get this one off the table, who would not want to assist in assembling the G.O.A.T. everyday? What the hell kind of magic potions, ointments, soaps, shampoos, lotions, creams, etc. create that level of magnificence? Even this new, ah hem, ‘interesting’ hair style. So what. I need to know.
9. Go to the mall:
Yup, I bet TB never can do this given his fame, but I want that experience. I want to walk in to Structure and watch the heads turn. I want to pepper spray oncoming crazed fans. I want to be the one protecting him. I want to hold his hand in the food court while waiting in line for an Orange Julius.
8. Prank calls to Sports Radio:
I want to be the Bart Simpson or Baba Booey to these stations that loath the Patriots and Tommy Boy. I would use Tom to legitimize the call and then scream drunken obscenities (see #5 before they could cut us off. Then #12 and I would giggle and have a quick pillow fight before our next call to glory.
Enough said here.
6. Tandem-Bike-Ride (could be substituted for Motorcycle with sidecar, but whatever, whatever) -through-Boston-to-Duck-Boats-Sit-on-Good-Will-Hunting-Bench-for-3 -Hours-in-Silence
(or something generally along those lines)
Yes, I know, Tom is not completely fueled and energized by booze like the rest of Patriots Nation, but this is fantasy. In this world, Tom and I hit the bottle hard…every afternoon. And I’m not talking about ‘sitting around the house sipping on some Bad Larrys’-kind of drinking. I mean bar hopping from Back Bay to Brighton to Barnstable. I mean jello shots with every Barstool Smokeshow since 2010. White Girl wasted. Watching the Greatest throw up a little late night Moons Over My Hammie in a Denny’s parking lot would be a privilege and an honor.
4. Get arrested…
…for streaking…at Gillette Stadium, but during a Revolution practice. Cause…Fuck you twice Goodell!
3. Visit a Michigan University Sorority House.
Be like hunting with nuclear weapons.
2. Potato Sack Race Against the Manning Brothers (no, not you Cooper. Sit back down)
Win, lose or draw the Mannings are going in those sacks and being thrown off the Tobin.
1. PLAY CATCH! DUH!
And so, may the month of September fly by as fast as the salmon of Capistrano!