Herman, Pee Wee, 70
Beloved entertainer, tuxedo model, purported serial sicko, Pee Wee Herman has passed away from complications from an apparent bicycle accident. Authorities have ruled out foul play.
Best known for his incredibly insane behavior Pee Wee Herman was last seen alive at a Level 3 Sex Offender rodeo in El Paso, Texas this past Saturday. The long-time tuxedo and bow tie touting Herman was in several feature films including Pee Wee’s Big Adventure and Big Top Pee Wee. He also was the lead weirdo in the non-award winning television series titled Pee Wee’s Playhouse where he could be spotted every Saturday morning screaming at his came-to-life furniture and singing showtunes with (a then unknown) Laurence Fishburne.
Famous for his wildly odd style, stage-ready makeup and odd voice, Herman was a terribly lonely and haunted individual, but a beloved entertainer. Many of Herman’s former co-stars and friends have commented on his passing…
“Pee Wee was misunderstood. Sure, he was a very mentally ill human, but he was my greatest customer and friend,” stated a very distraught Mario, owner of Mario’s Magic Shop.
Neighbor and bath-taker/chubby thief, Francis Buxton, is deeply grieving his departed friend and rival. “I always thought I would go before Pee Wee,” the portly, pasty gum-chewing Buxton wrote in a prepared statement. “I’ll never forgive myself for stealing his prized bicycle nearly 40 years ago. It will haunt me until I reach my own non-shallow grave.”
Herman’s lifelong companion, Dottie, assistant manager of Chuck’s Bike-o-Rama, (who predeceased him when she mysteriously died from a horn blowing incident in 2011) loved her Pee Wee. As etched on her tombstone, ‘See you on the other side Pee Wee. You were a loner and a rebel, but you were mine.”
Estranged hitch-hiking supporter, “Large Marge” was reached by phone for comment. “The last time I saw Pee Wee was at that roadside diner so many years ago when he got out of my tractor trailer. Tell the Lord Large Marge sent you, Pee Wee. Rest easy.”
Herman loved magic, tomfoolery, fashion but his lifelong passion was to his bicycle. When the prized bike was stolen in 1985 Herman traveled the country in pursuit of his famous two-wheeled form of conveyance. While Herman and his bicycle were eventually reunited it would become a total and complete compulsion. Herman vanished from main stream society in 1999 after a scandal involving a transsexual dwarf prostitute, a large supply methamphetamine and nearly 1,000 yards of red licorice in a Las Vegas brothel.
Herman leaves no family behind except for his longtime friends Clocky and Chairy who both miraculously escaped from the famed PlayHouse Fire of 1990.
Private services will be held and Herman will lie-in-state in the basement of The Alamo in San Antonio, TX on Friday, August 4 from 2:00PM-8:00PM.
In lieu of flowers, Mr. Herman’s next of kin, his dog Speck, has asked that donations be made to “The Amazing Larry Foundation”, a non-profit organization with the mission of ending furniture molestation in America.
Can I Be Frank & Crew? 