Uncategorized – Can I Be Frank & Crew?

Irrational Fear: SHARK ATTACKS

In honor of JAWS 50th anniversary (June 20, 1975) here is a throwback

(Originally published August 1, 2013)

With the onset of Shark Week, I have opened a new series in the Can I be Frank? tales; Irrational Fears. We all have fears in life. Some are founded, others are completely ridiculous. I realized that I have many of what I am calling, irrational fears.

An irrational fear, by my definition, is the fear of something – be it a person, animal, object, activity, or geography – that is likely to be perfectly safe and unlikely to cause any bodily harm.

First on my agenda of these fears is the ultimate adversary to mankind. Of course, I am referring to sharks. All shapes, all sizes.

Here are just a few “real” facts on shark attacks from the liars at National Geographic…

· 93% of shark attacks from 1580 to 2010 worldwide were on males.

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· In 2010, North American Waters had 42% of all confirmed unprovoked attacks worldwide (32 attacks).

· 2010 was the most dangerous year for unprovoked shark attacks in a decade with 79.

· Since 1907, 201 out 220 Great White Attacks have occurred when the human was less than 6ft from the surface.

And my favorite…

· You have and a 1 in 3,700,000 chance of being killed by a shark during your lifetime.

Oh, I so beg to differ, N-Geo.

Based on the extensive research I have performed, which includes watching JAWS, Finding NEMO and (foolishly) going to the beach, I am confident in revising these fraudulent statistics printed by “one of the largest nonprofit scientific and educational institutions in the world.” Hogwash.

Let me get your attention. My research leads me to believe the odds of being attacked and eaten by a shark in Massachusetts are, actually, 1 in 4.

Sobering, isn’t it?

Don’t believe me? Need more evidence? Fine. Let’s start with the most factual testimony ever produced about shark attacks; the 1975 cinematic masterpiece, JAWS. Most people believe that JAWS was simply filmed by Steven Spielberg (who, unbeknownst to most, is an international shark expert) as entertainment for movie-goers. Wrong. Dead wrong if I must use a bad pun. JAWS was a non-fictional narrative of what happens every single day on the waters off of the scenic Massachusetts shores. Sharks are there. Sharks are waiting to eat you.

The quacks over at CNN actual proclaim there was only ONE shark attack in Massa-CHEW-setts during 2012! Yeah, and I have a bridge I want to sell you (maybe the Bourne Bridge, a.k.a., “America’s Gateway to Sharkland).

In just over TWO HOURS of the JAWS documentary, we witnessed SEVEN shark attacks, SIX of which were FATAL! And for the three main characters: Brody, Hooper and Quint? One dead and two attacked. Plus, add insult to (fatal) injury, Quint was the greatest shark hunter in the world. In. The. World. And how did he ultimately die? Exactly.

Am I starting to get through to you people?

These hard and true facts are what lead me to my conclusion; a shark attack is likely going to happen to each and every one of us over the course of our lifetime (I would actually contend it will happen during a 1 week vacation to Cape Cod, but I have not concluded this segment of study).

There is an old adage that there are only two certainties in life; death and taxes.

I would revise this statement to read “death BY SHARK and taxes”.

Deep breath.

Despite my findings, the ‘main stream media’ would argue that you have a better chance of dying by being struck by lightning, catching the flu or simply taking a bad fall. These “statistics” should prompt me to pause, step back, think and lean on modern research and science to relieve me of my fear of these ruthless, blood-thirsty destroyers of man. Yes, that is what I should do. I just can’t.

Don’t say you have not been warned.

As shark attack escapee, Martin Brody so eloquently stated, “We’re gonna need a bigger boat.” I would advise you to skip the bigger boat, skip the beach, and certainly skip entering the treacherous ocean waters. Just stay home. Life is too short.

ENJOY SHARK WEEK! I’ll be under the covers.

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A Letter to Frankie: Commencement of another kind

Dear Frankie,

Happy Birthday, bud! 22! Hard to believe!

We are so proud of you as you move on to the next exciting chapter of your life. While most parents of children your age are watching them cross the stage of their college graduation, we have the privilege of watching you transition to adulthood in a different way…but equally awesome.

I know you appreciate so many people, Frank, but I will do the honor of pointing them out for you.

First, thank you to your sisters, Elizabeth and Maura, for being the most patient, loving, and soulful humans you could ask for. Words cannot capture the amount of gratitude and admiration Mom and I have for these two. What a blessing you were granted when they came into your world. We love you so much, girls.

Thank you to our family and friends for all you have done over the years. It takes a village, for certain, and you have been a great one for Frankie.

Thank you to all the amazing teachers, paraprofessionals, administrators, coaches, doctors, caregivers, and peers (you know who you are) for the incredible support you have kindly provided our son over the past two decades. Frankie’s journey has been a long and hard one at times, but he has taught our family so much.

And now, Frankie, congratulations to YOU on your “graduation.” Well deserved, my boy.

And onto the next. Moving forward. The next adventure begins for you.

Happy birthday, pal. I love you.

-Dad

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The Obituary of Pee Wee Herman

Herman, Pee Wee, 70

Beloved entertainer, tuxedo model, purported serial sicko, Pee Wee Herman has passed away from complications from an apparent bicycle accident. Authorities have ruled out foul play.

Best known for his incredibly insane behavior Pee Wee Herman was last seen alive at a Level 3 Sex Offender rodeo in El Paso, Texas this past Saturday. The long-time tuxedo and bow tie touting Herman was in several feature films including Pee Wee’s Big Adventure and Big Top Pee Wee. He also was the lead weirdo in the non-award winning television series titled Pee Wee’s Playhouse where he could be spotted every Saturday morning screaming at his came-to-life furniture and singing showtunes with (a then unknown) Laurence Fishburne.

Famous for his wildly odd style, stage-ready makeup and odd voice, Herman was a terribly lonely and haunted individual, but a beloved entertainer. Many of Herman’s former co-stars and friends have commented on his passing…

“Pee Wee was misunderstood. Sure, he was a very mentally ill human, but he was my greatest customer and friend,” stated a very distraught Mario, owner of Mario’s Magic Shop.

Neighbor and bath-taker/chubby thief, Francis Buxton, is deeply grieving his departed friend and rival. “I always thought I would go before Pee Wee,” the portly, pasty gum-chewing Buxton wrote in a prepared statement. “I’ll never forgive myself for stealing his prized bicycle nearly 40 years ago. It will haunt me until I reach my own non-shallow grave.”

Herman’s lifelong companion, Dottie, assistant manager of Chuck’s Bike-o-Rama, (who predeceased him when she mysteriously died from a horn blowing incident in 2011) loved her Pee Wee. As etched on her tombstone, ‘See you on the other side Pee Wee. You were a loner and a rebel, but you were mine.”

Estranged hitch-hiking supporter, “Large Marge” was reached by phone for comment. “The last time I saw Pee Wee was at that roadside diner so many years ago when he got out of my tractor trailer. Tell the Lord Large Marge sent you, Pee Wee. Rest easy.”

Herman loved magic, tomfoolery, fashion but his lifelong passion was to his bicycle. When the prized bike was stolen in 1985 Herman traveled the country in pursuit of his famous two-wheeled form of conveyance. While Herman and his bicycle were eventually reunited it would become a total and complete compulsion. Herman vanished from main stream society in 1999 after a scandal involving a transsexual dwarf prostitute, a large supply methamphetamine and nearly 1,000 yards of red licorice in a Las Vegas brothel.

Herman leaves no family behind except for his longtime friends Clocky and Chairy who both miraculously escaped from the famed PlayHouse Fire of 1990.

Private services will be held and Herman will lie-in-state in the basement of The Alamo in San Antonio, TX on Friday, August 4 from 2:00PM-8:00PM.

In lieu of flowers, Mr. Herman’s next of kin, his dog Speck, has asked that donations be made to “The Amazing Larry Foundation”, a non-profit organization with the mission of ending furniture molestation in America.

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REAL MEN: OPA! THE GREEKS!

Oh the Greeks. Been surrounded by them my entire life. Lowell Massachusetts is basically Athens West. Met a million in my life, friends with so many. Beyond the likes of local Greek legends Demoulas, Behrakis, Leonis that have each made undeniable contributions to the world through their grit, hard work, determination and generosity, there is also a subset of All-Star Greeks that have made a big difference in MY world.

These are their stories. (insert Law and Order intro)

Oh wait. Hold please. Need to spend a couple minutes on the Greek women.

Oh, those raven-haired vixens dominated the thoughts of this pre-pubescent boy. Those high-hair-sprayed, bushy browed, lip-wax-needing teens spawn of the Mediterranean were my kryptonite in the early 1990s. You were my Achilles Heel….only slightly farther north of my heel. (I mean my heart, you sickos)

I would have worked in their family diners if offered the opportunity.

Made Spinach Pie my favorite kind of pie even though the real answer was Key Lime.

Named our first born son “Spanikopita” if asked (or just called him Paul, George, Nick, Chris or Jimmy like the rest of them)

I even took a girl named “Sue Flaki” out a few times; but, alas, it was fleeting like the ships that Helen of Troy launched.

I tried, ladies, but my Trojan Horse of a plan was not meant to be.

Any hoo.

On to the men.

Here is a brief rundown of some of the great Sons of Sparta I have had the pleasure of knowing (Yes, 3 Pauls and a George)

Paul Diamantopoulos

“Diama!” Paul is literally a chiseled Greek God in real time. I think he came out of the womb and went to straight to the gym instead of breast feeding. As a young man, Paul was a wild man. True badass, wiseass street kind of kid You wanted to be on Paul’s good side. But, Paul is actually a sweet marshmallow of a guy – just don’t tell anyone or he’ll kill me. Hair like Sampson, built like Hercules, Paul evolved from a quasi-punk to an absolute Hall of Famer across the board- football player, husband, father and a friend to all. Glad I have been able to call him my friend more than 30 years. Not a bad fisherman too, I hear.

Paul Grillakis

Only met Paul in recent years, this guy is one of the most unique and balanced humans I have ever encountered. Introduced to him by a mutual friend, I had an instantaneous bond with Paul. Paul fought a profound battle with cancer a few years back – one that doctors assured him would be a short war that he would not win. But, guess what, he had the last laugh and living his best life with his wife and grown children. While watching my Dad fight his own cancer battle, Paul was an amazing and encouraging resource to me. He gave a perspective that only someone who went through the hell of that disease can provide. Just an overall genuine, kind, tough spirit. The best.

George Yfantopulos

George has been a guiding force in my life for a long time. He has been a mentor, advisor and true friend to me for more than than 25 years. For whatever reason the Gods placed me in George’s company in some of my darkest of hours and he has always been the perfect companion in those moments of sadness, struggle and suffering. George is incredibly loyal, honest, and true to the core. George is a like Shepard to so many. Always shouldering the burden for the common good of the flock (or ‘squad‘ as he would put it). Generous and humble. A good man. Can’t pay higher praise.

Paul Davidopoulos

At lastly, BIL (Brother-In-Law) Paul. Paul is an electric dynamo of a man. Paul makes you smile with his energy, enthusiasm and wild spirit. Paul gets the party started and keeps it going. Paul led a hard life as a younger man. Eternally loyal son, he had a hard road growing up. Working his (albeit chubby, stubby) fingers to the bone to help his survive as a younger man, Paul battled and overcame some personal demons. I am very proud of him, his grit and determination to be better. I’m proud to call him ‘brother’. He is a wonderful husband and father. Paul is awesome.

You seeing the theme here? Lot of good Greeks out there; the above are some of the best that I could happily describe to you in further detail, but I don’t think anyone wants to read The Irish Iliad.

“Life is short, the art long.”
– Hippocrates

REAL MEN.

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REAL MEN: McNeil Men

As I have referenced in the past, the entire spirit of this Real Men project was to pay tribute to the men that mean so much to me. Shaped me. Had an honest and true impact on my life.

To date, nearly all of these men I have had the privilege to recognize were friends of the late, great Frank Senior or my powerful blood brothers (uncles essentially).

As I sadly walked in to the Dockray and Thomas Funeral Home in Canton Massachusetts this afternoon to say goodbye to a true Real Man, it reminded me of the very reason I wanted to create this series of stories; to tell these men how important they were – before they were gone from this earthy world.

I have no interest in writing obituaries. My poor Dad spent 40 years of his life doing that meaningful, but painful, chore as a faithful funeral director. And he hated it.

I simply want to acknowledge some great freakin’ dudes of the world. That’s it. Period.

Today, heartbreakingly, I had to give my Father-Son-Holy Spirit through glassy, teary eyes to my wife’s Uncle, Leo McNeil.

Uncle Leo was just 64 years old and fought – like so many – a ridiculous bout with cancer. (Boy, do I hate you cancer. I’ll save that rant for another time)

Leo was the epitome of an old school gentleman. Kind, funny, cool and charismatic. A throw back. A unique specimen that fully deserves the wonderful celebration and mourning of his beautiful life I witnessed today, Leo loved hard and gave hard. A true servant and soldier of God, Leo is a 1st ballot Hall of Fame Human in my estimation.

I loved Leo.

But, Leo reminded me that I don’t want to pen another post-mortem story. No thanks.

Wisely, I took the time to tribute my FIL (father-in-law) several months back. I typed the words I wanted him to read and understand about what he means to me. Proud I did so, and hopefully I remain in his will. ;).

However, my MIL (mother in law) is 1 of 8 children. Leo, the only male in the brood of Big Leo and Ruth, the other seven lady McNeils clearly have a way with the weaker sex. Minus their dear sister Jean, who died many years back from the results of a brain tumor, the other McNeil Misses lassoed themselves a barnful of studs!

Let me just give you the briefest of descriptions, but these are the definition of Real Men and I am so thankful they have been a part of my world for over 25 years….

Uncle Ed – married to oldest McNeil, Nancy, flat-top-quaffed Ed is the big strong silent type. Pretty sure he called me by my actual name once, just a straight down the middle solid guy. John Wayne style man. Respect.

Uncle “Tut” – I didn’t know this guy’s actual name was ‘Paul’ until today, I think. An Italiano James Bond, Tut is a smooth, cool cat. A shaken, never stirred brand of gentleman. Hand him a golf club, martini, cigar …he makes it all look good. A great hugger and a great friend.

FIL – you have already been covered. Enough.

Uncle Pat – Sioux City Iowa native, a quiet rock star of a man, Pat is unassumingly cool. Give this guy a guitar and some time and you will simply relax and be intoxicated by his company. Pat is a man that gives you faith in in the notion of genuine kindness. A warm, welcoming human being.

Uncle Paul – Sharing a birthday with Jesus Christ, Paul may have actually given more to this world than our Savior himself. When I first came on the scene to the McNeil Clan, Christmas Day, Paul wasn’t celebrating his birthday but awaiting a call from the bone marrow receiver he anonymously donated to a year earlier….you know, just because he is awesome. You kidding me? Paul is one of the best, bad ass good guys matriculating around this big blue ball.

Uncle Steve – Steve, the baby of the McNeil-In-Law-brethren is simply just an awesome man. Smart, confident and fun. This dude bought a Winnebago to get to Buffalo for couple Patriots snaps each year! Spawn a crazy Polack Clan, Steve and his merry band of kids have fun – a lot of fun. Great guy – simply stated.

And let us not forget Ginny. The lone female in-law to the McNeil Testosterone Amalgam. Leo’s widow. 😦 Ginny can roll with any of these men mentioned above. Classy, kind, tough and fun Irish lady. You have an army behind you during these awful times.

So, in summation, not a bad group to call “family”. As we mourn Leo during these days, we take solace in what an incredible group of men (and woman) converged in to an already amazing family.

Thanks for not beating me up, fellas.

Real Men.

Rest easy, Leo.

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WHAT IS ‘REAL MEN’?

As I continue this REAL MEN series, I assure you, I do not take it lightly. The whole spirit and intent of this project is to pay homage to men that have had an influence on me – not some ass kissing contest. I have nothing to gain. I chose to dive into this endeavor after my Dad passed away nearly two years ago. And while I spent 3/4 of my life in a “funeral home” family, these writings are not intended to be eulogies – but tributes.

Yes, unfortunately, several of these men I wrote about – men named Tighe, McKay and Martin – have moved on to a better place, the point is to convey emotions and share the stories about great men before it is “too late”.

Everyone always says great things about loved ones when they have passed – but why wait? How many times have we all said “(S)he was such a great person. I wish I had one more day with them. I wish I told them how much they meant to me. I wish…I wish…I wish.”

You know?

Coulda. Woulda. Shoulda.

That is why I have written these words about some of the great gentlemen I have been blessed to encounter in my nearly 50 years in this earth. In certain cases, I missed my chance during this project. Men like McCarthy and Livingston. Always in my writing sites and plans, but never put pen to paper. My loss.

With that said, I am confident I have made great selections to date and I am so pleased to share them. The reactions from these posts demonstrates just how great these men are and what they have meant to so many others.

Most of these men are blood or blessings to my world. My Dad (and Mom) kept great company and exposed me to such wonderful humans.

Thank you for that.

I have a few more tributes I will pay but I only pen these stories when it feels right. In any case, just giving you all an insight to “why” I choose to author these tales…cause these people made such a mark on me.

Do yourself a favor and tell the men and women like these just how important they are to you…before its too late.

Thanks for reading.